Sometimes you wake from a dream and it colors the whole rest of your day, maybe even longer than that.
The other day I had a dream that I was pregnant.
Even my dream consciousness knew how unlikely this was, so I wasn't pregnant in my nonexistent uterus, I was pregnant in my right ovary. In the dream world this was possibly viable, and not an ectopic situation.
I thought, huh...where will we put this baby? I thought this was behind me, but now a strange possibility is growing in an unusual place, so can we convert the craft room/guest room into a nursery? Can we fit this baby into our babyless, childless life that we've so carefully and lovingly crafted from the ruins of the dreams we once chased so voraciously?
I didn't have to worry for long.
I started to feel cramping in my right ovary, and in my dream I thought, "ah. I know this feeling. I'm sorry, little ovary baby, I'm not good at hanging on to things like you."
For the rest of the dream I was losing, not losing, possibly losing, probably losing the improbable baby.
I woke up unsurprisingly unsettled, and also with a fresh sense of sadness for what we lost in the Before, and with a pain in my right ovary that I'm hoping isn't some horrible harbinger of something else growing that wants to destroy me (I have an irrational/rational fear of ovarian cancer after all the hormonal manipulation I endured that never resulted in a second trimester).
I blame it on August. I lost both my babies in August, although now 9 and 8 years ago, in what feels like another lifetime, but also an alternate world that sometimes pokes its head through to remind me that really isn't that long ago.
This dream is haunting me still...maybe in writing it out I can exorcise it.
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I hope you have managed to exorcise it. I suspect it is due to August. Our subconscious knows much more than we ever want it to know sometimes! (I have had similar reactions in December.) I've had these dreams. They do change - in the way that in your dream you acknowledged the unlikely nature of a viable ovarian pregnancy. They are very disconcerting, but they fade. Still, the sadness is real. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI, too, have experienced those haunting dreams that stay with you all day. After all, who can get to the heart of you better than your own subconscious?
ReplyDeleteJust abiding with you and sending you and Ms O so much love.
Oh my. It is amazing how much our subconscious hangs on to, even years later! Sending (((hugs))).
ReplyDeleteOh man, I hate this unsettledness for you. I hate dreams like that. They can really put me off track for days. We all have our months that our bodies won't let us forget.
ReplyDeletePlease allow me to wish you a very happy, enjoyable, calm, and centered September! :)
That sounds like an absolutely terrible dream. Hoping that it is indeed exorcised and September ushers in better sleep/dreams.
ReplyDeleteI hope you were very kind to yourself that day...dreams like that are so very hard...
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