School starts a week from Thursday...and I am in full on panic mode. Well, I waffle between "OHMYGODI'MNOTREADYANDWE'REALLGONNADIE" to complete exhaustion and denial and lying facedown in the couch. I guess that's pretty normal, actually...just heightened by the whole pandemic thing.
I was in a writing PD last Friday when we were talking about how to teach in this new environment, and I said at one point in a faculty meeting (we had a Special Ed Meeting, followed by a Union meeting, followed by a faculty meeting, all online) I had to turn my camera off so I could cry. It was just so overwhelming.
And then, a wonderful literacy teacher who I enjoy said that someone told her this:
Lose what was, it doesn't exist anymore.
I think for clarity it needs to be adjusted to lose the expectations of what was, but I did like it.
I can't go into this school year expecting things to be how they've been in the past -- the setup of my room, the way we'll interact, the differences in teaching modes, my own anxiety. That's GONE. I can be sad about it, but ultimately, that's not the world I live in. That world doesn't exist -- I can't have groups at a table, I can't have my own dedicated half of a room to decorate, I can't wear my fun back to school clothes instead of my "trying to keep me safe" PPE. I could spend all my time wondering what it would look like if I could have that world back, but it's probably better at this point to focus on the world that DOES exist, and how to work with THAT reality. Find the ways to make it doable. Figure out how to connect with my kids as fast as possible so that it will be okay if we close.
It's not to say it's not HARD. The new reality can be hard, and I can mourn the loss of the old one. But I can't spend all my time bemoaning what used to be, because then I'll have nothing left for what's very, very real in front of me.
It's freeing, actually. It's like getting to that point of resolution where you're no longer expecting your life to go down a certain path. At this point, I'm in a different house and I don't have spaces where I imagine where a child could have been or what their room might have looked like, because that doesn't exist anymore. It's what was. In that active striving and grieving space it was impossible to lose that, because all I felt was loss. I was drowning in it. But to be able to move forward into a space where I could focus on what exists NOW, and not what COULD HAVE or SHOULD HAVE been? It took work, but what a heavy heavy weight, lifted.
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I have been back in person with a hybrid schedule and teaching a full remote section. It is hard, I have cried everyday not because of my fear of the virus but the sheer exhaustion from all the work. This is my 20th year, I hope I survive.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. Perfect. Yes, we've done it before, and we know the freedom of letting that dream go. (But if we need it, we also know the value of having a good cry!) I'm glad you're feeling the freedom of lifting that weight of what should have been, and you can enjoy the best (not the worst) of what is. Your students will feel that from you - what an amazing gift you'll be giving them, Jess.
ReplyDeleteYup. That’s where I’m at. Letting go of all expectations of normal. I try really hard to focus on what I should be able to do regardless. Outdoor teaching! Why not?
ReplyDeleteBut yes it’s very tiring. Schools are huge complicated operations and trying to do things differently can feel like being a very small tugboat beside a very big tanker. And both the tugboat and the tanker are often in my own head.
It's hard. It's really, really hard and teachers are taking on such an almost impossible task here. I hope you're able to figure out a plan that works, keeps you sane and safe, and that everyone stays healthy.
ReplyDeleteThe framing of this whole thing is wonderful - yes to "lose what was, it doesn't exist anymore". I'm sorry that this is the situation because it really does suck. Acknowledging that the world as it was just isn't there any longer is so important and powerful. I love that idea of accepting that it is a huge loss, mourning the loss, and allowing that to move into the now.
(Totally bookmarking this because it's so well put.)
I really needed to hear this, as I had my first day back in a classroom yesterday with both in-person an remote students IN THE SAME CLASS AT THE SAME TIME. The masks, the new procedures, etc...I kept wishing it could be back like it was, when I didn't even know it was the good old days. So yes, I need to lose all that. Sigh...
ReplyDeleteDefinitely some parallels there -- you've had practice! ;) Sending hugs & positive vibes for next week.
ReplyDeleteYou have prepared and prepared, bought the scrubs and attended all the meetings...you are as prepared for the unknown as well as anyone can be. The only thing remaining is living in to this new reality. No matter what happens, you are strong. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteI may only imagine the difficult challenges you and others face. May peace and strength be with you.
ReplyDeleteWarriors all.