Last week I had the opportunity to join in a Professional Learning class based on the book The Writing Revolution by Judith C. Hochman and Natalie Wexler -- I bought the book last summer with all intentions of reading it and it just didn't happen, so when I found out there was a PL for the book they added me to it. It was primarily reading specialists (elementary and middle school) and ELA teachers grades 6 & 7.
It was also primarily a bunch of moms, which I discovered when someone asked a teacher I didn't know how she was feeling, and she responded "Halfway there!" ...and so the assumption that this was a common experience began.
It went from a perfectly reasonable "how are you doing?" to a 10 minute litany of personal experiences with first babies, hospital stories, "everyone remembers what that first drive home with your first is like!" type conversations... It was unrelenting and full of "don't you remember?"
I pasted a smile on my face and resisted being the evil fairy not invited to the christening who desperately wanted to say, "NO, actually, I don't, this is not as common an experience as you think."
During this whole momfest, I noticed another woman intently focused on her computer and something off to the side of the screen. It could be that something else was going on for her. It could be that this assumption of a common experience that is painfully uncommon for some of us was also affecting her and she was trying to concentrate on something, ANYTHING else.
Hmmm. No one else seemed to pick up on the fact that not everyone was participating, that there were two very silent people in the group. Another woman joined later who does not have children and is single, and I thought to myself, Oh man, you dodged a stabby bullet there.
As a teacher, I find myself in this position A LOT. People love talking about their pregnancy and birth experiences even when those moments are DECADES in their pasts. People love to say things like, "Don't apologize for your toddler bombing your screen! We've all been there, trying to balance work and young children, right ladies?" WRONG. We have not all been there.
These are moments that make me feel so excluded, and a little bitter, honestly. It's not hard to say "I remember" rather than "We've all been there." It's not hard to pick up on the fact that what you think is a common bonding experience among moms is actually painfully uncommon for those of us who for whatever reason didn't get to have those moments.
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I'm sorry you had to cop the "stabby bullet." I'm not sure I would "paste a smile on my face," although the do-what-is-polite gene is very strong and hard to resist! I like to think that I'd do what the other woman was doing - very pointedly do something else until they return to a conversation that everyone can join. Because I wonder if, by being so polite, we just help in perpetuating their behaviour?
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to be polite! I think I was trying a Jedi trick and looking mildly polite but sending out vibes of "GOOD GRACIOUS PEOPLE GIVE IT A REST." But subtly. Because I am a wimp in these situations where I don't know at least half of the people well. I have NO problem piping up when I do know them! :) I should have totally followed the other woman's lead. Next time! Because unfortunately you know there will be a next time...
DeleteSo sorry you had to experience that - it's incredibly frustrating. It's such prevalent thing, especially surrounding pregnancy/birth - I've been absolutely amazed at how certain experiences are assumed to be held in common by all women (and, of course, they often aren't for any number of reasons). Painful and really tough for sure.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely love your phrasing for those moments of trying to relate while not assuming a universal experience.
Thank you, lady. Yup, it's the assumptions that drive me nuts. If people shared their experiences and limited it to a reasonable amount of time that would be one thing, but all the "we've all been there" nonsense drives me batty. The next time we met there was ZERO of the nonsense though, so that was good! (Maybe they got it all out at the first meeting?) ;)
DeleteThose conversations frustrate me. I have two kids now, but there still exists that awkwardness, that feeling of not quite belonging even though on the outside you do. It's that feeling of being an imposter, and then coming off looking stuck up because you're not participating. I hate that you had to experience that on something that was an entirely unrelated topic.
ReplyDeleteOoof, that would be tough... the assumption hits that perspective too, that everyone's experience with pregnancy and birth is the same. Which it's not. Blerghhh
DeleteI had a recent "We've all been there!" experience on a zoom call/webinar, and I've actually written about it in a post yet to be published. People can be so clueless... I remember a time 15 years ago or so, when one of dh's cousins' wives skipped a couple of family gatherings -- her husband came by himself. They were the only other long-married adult couple in the family besides us who didn't have kids. Some of the other female cousins/in-laws were sniping "What's with her??" and "I guess she doesn't like us very much..." and it was SO CLEAR to me that she was having a difficult time being around small children & mommy talk. She & I would often chat with each other about work & travel and other non-kid topics while the moms around us talked about kid stuff. She did eventually have two children, one at 43 & one at 45 (!), but for a while, it was nice not to be the only one...!
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