Monday, November 2, 2020

Manifesting

Throughout infertility, I was encouraged to manifest my desired outcome -- to buy onesies to show I was serious and imagine them, like the exorcism scene in Beetlejuice, puffing out into a real live baby; to only allow positive thoughts during transfer and the 2-week wait; to listen to guided meditations that helped to visualize plentiful follicles, and firmly rooted embryos in my plush lining. 

It didn't even seem to work, no matter how hard I tried. It often made me feel worse, actually. 

Well, apparently I could not manifest a baby but I am a champ at manifesting stress, physically in my body. 

I have freaking shingles. Which for me, manifests in a nasty colony on my spine that reaches up to my shoulder blade, but the rash isn't there thing that's awful. It's the nerve pain. It goes from my spine and wraps around my right side along my ribs, along my braline. It hurts to breathe. It is fairly impossible to sleep. 

They told me it was likely caused by stress (REEEAAAALLY? YOU DON'T SAY! WHAT COULD BE STRESSFUL RIGHT NOW???) and I laughed and laughed. And then cried. Because I need this not at all. And it's been going on a week already. 

I need some time, I think. The body is real talented at letting you know when you've overextended yourself. Last night scared me because it was return of insomnia, and insomnia and pain together make for crisis. It just feels like sub plans are also painful, but I think there balance is shifting to STAY HOME, DAMMIT. When you're crying into your planning binder at your desk it's no good. 

Be kind to yourself. Know that stress is great at manifesting in your body. Put your own oxygen mask on first, yada yada yada. I'm off to take some pain meds. Sigh.


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21 comments:

  1. I hear you, Jess. Somebody posted on FB: "If you don't choose to give yourself time to rest, your body will choose it for you." It really spoke to me but the case is also: "THERE IS NO TIME!" I go through my days with daily headaches, just trying to keep my head above water. I am so sorry that this happening to you - hang in there and give yourself space when you can! MISS YOU!

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    1. Oh no, I hope even though there's NO TIME you can eke some out to take care of yourself. Says the woman who worked herself into shingles! I ended up talking a chunk of sick time. My body chose it for me! Thinking of you, and MISSING YOU too!

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  2. So sorry!! I had stress induced shingles a few years ago on my face and it was awful. Hang in there!

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    1. Oh no, I have heard face horror stories! I'm so sorry, that's scary. Hopefully it stayed away from your eye. Thank you for the well wishes!

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  3. Oh no Jess! I'm so sorry to hear about your shingles- my dad had them right before my wedding! I hope that they go away quickly. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

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    1. Oh no! That's terrible timing for shingles! I have pulled a full stop and I'm out all this week. I have (mostly) been sleeping and Netflixing and reading. So hard when the drugs make it hard to concentrate, but then it sure forces the relaxation! Thank you!

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  4. I’m so glad you decided to take time to heal. There aren’t any rewards for sacrificing yourself on the altar of work. You have to take care of yourself in your work environment, because nobody else will.

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    1. Thank you! I live that, "sacrificing yourself on the altar of work." I needed this time, it wasn't going to go away otherwise! Ugh.

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  5. I am so sorry you have shingles! I hope it clears up quickly. You definitely need this not at all. I am so sorry.

    I'm challenging myself to do less each day. As long as I am fully present with the students I see at work, my boyfriend at home, and myself, I have no problem doing the absolute bare minimum with everything else.

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    1. Yes, that sounds like a good plan. It's hard to do less but apparently my body is screaming at me to back it off! Thank you, the meds are making it way more bearable.

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  6. Oooof, I am so sorry. That sounds really really painful.

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    1. Thank you! The new meds are working their magic though. Much more bearable, just equally much more loopy!

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  7. I was so sad to hear this, Jess. Sounds awful, on top of everything else that's going on.

    Like you, I discovered that positive thinking had negative effects on me with fertility treatments. It sets you up to think that you can manifest anything if you just think about it correctly. And if it doesn't manifest, then obviously you didn't think about it correctly. Great -- another way I fail!

    I don't buy it anymore. I've become a Serenity Prayer gal. I'm getting better and better about discerning if something is changeable (take the courage path) or not changeable (take the acceptance path). For me, a much better model than thinking I can manifest just by wishing hard.

    And the foundation of this discerning is listening. To what? To me! To my physical body, my emotional body, my soul. As my yoga teacher says (similar to WRK above) "If you listen to your body when it whispers, you won't have to hear it scream."

    I hope you feel better soon. Abiding with you.

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    1. Thank you! Yes, yes, to "just one more way to fail" -- that's totally how I felt. And yeah, my body is screaming, but now it's more of a stern finger wagging. Getting there!

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  8. I am so, so sorry to hear that you have shingles. Hope you are feeling better soon and that it clears up as quickly as possible.

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    1. Thank you so much! I almost cried when they said they nerve pain can linger for months. I'm in week three and it is definitely worlds away from the horrible beginning, bit of by gosh the meds! I'm hoping I can go back Monday, but it all depends on if I can function on the gabapentin by then. Ugh.

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  9. Oh no, Jess, I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope the pain is easing by now. Nerve pain is the worst. Sending gentle hugs.

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  10. oh how awful Jess. I really hope the pain meds help. If it gets too much, you should consider taking some sick leave. I hope you feel better soon and are able to sleep ok ! Insomnia is the worst

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    1. Thank you! I'm proud of myself, because I'm out this whole week while I get used to a higher dose of the nerve pain med and get off the oxycodone so I can hopefully get back to work Monday because it looks like we are in danger of going fully virtual with our sharply rising cases. uggghhhhhh. But I have taken almost 2 weeks! Such a step for be, ha ha. Insomnia really is the worst, thankfully the new med is helping with that! 💜

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  11. I always cringe whenever I hear about "manifesting" in a "The Secret" sense, but yeah, unfortunately, stress does manifest itself in some pretty scary ways in our bodies sometimes. :( I think I've told you that I had shingles -- diagnosed about a week after my 40th birthday weekend, during which I was attended a baby shower, WHILE I was doing infertility treatments. My doctor also told me they are often induced by stress. Stressed, me?? Hahahahahahaha.... Luckily, I came to him when it was still in the early stages & we were able to nip it in the bud with drugs. Sending healing hugs & wishes!

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