The flutters are back.
It's a weird feeling, a quick racing of my heart that makes me feel a little dizzy, a little out of breath, but it has nothing to do with anything physical.
It's my stupid anxiety, making its presence known, making sure I acknowledge that it's rising. I've been having more moments where I can't ignore it, and I'm trying to figure out why it's whacking me in the face (chest) now.
This time of year is tough, filled with school pressures from annual meetings coming up and a change in certification requirements if you teach secondary special classes, which I do. I loaded up my plate, running a new girl empowerment club and joining the Diversity Council and volunteering to work on the union newsletter. And then there's the trauma soup that is my class, and the secondary trauma that results from holding everything I know about these kids' challenges. It multiplies the trauma I hold from my own experiences and grief.
Okay, yeah... That's a lot. Add to it my evil back of the brain voice that tells me I suck at everything and it's just a matter of time before it all comes crashing down and my ineptitude is exposed. Oh, and add to it news updates that sound like we're solidly in Armageddon (Fires! Floods! Coronavirus! Hail! Government disaster!), and it equals me on the couch in my giant fleece bathrobe with my hair in front of my eyes just wanting to go to bed and shut down and hope tomorrow is better.
So, I've done a couple things: I decided to be more upfront about the uptick to my therapist and Bryce (last time, pretending to be okay as long as possible when I wasn't bit me in the ass), I'm trying to get more cardio in (raise the heart rate! Raise the endorphins!), hold Pilates time sacred, and get more sleep. I'm trying to breathe more mindfully. I'm trying to keep some downtime and not feel guilty about it.
I just want my mind to slow down a bit, and for my heart to stop pretending to flutter like a lost bird in my ribcage.
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I hope you are able to stop the flutters soon. How long is it until spring break?
ReplyDeleteUgh, they are rampant.
Delete9 days now! I am not counting AT ALL. :) Niiiiiine dayyyyys!
I can so relate to this. My anxiety has been up and it's awful. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the love lady, and I hope your anxiety abates as well.
DeleteYou do have a lot on your plate. I'm glad you are acknowledging the flutter and talking with your peeps about it.
ReplyDeleteMay I say that I'm jealous of your giant fleece bathrobe? That sounds very comforting <3.
Ah, acknowledging the flutter was only the first part... it's been rather sucky. And OH YES, that fleece bathrobe is like a blanket you wear. Best mother-in-law Christmas present ever.
DeleteThat all sounds incredibly hard to process/deal with regularly. Sending thoughts and hoping that the flutters/anxiety start to calm soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much... it's not so much slowing down and I have to take other steps, but acknowledging it is the first step!
DeleteI know this won't help you, but you've given me a lightbulb moment. My mother talked about her heart flutters for all of her life. No doctors could find anything wrong. Not one of them told her that it was probably due to anxiety. And now, reading this, I am convinced that was it. (She definitely suffered from anxiety.)
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad that you are being open about this with your docs and Bryce, and that you're practising self-care. Downtime is part of that, and you definitely should not feel guilty. Sending love and peaceful thoughts.
It's crazy how often anxiety is the root of physical issues, and how infrequently doctors connect those dots (until you have a breakdown or something). I bet if she had those flutters it was anxiety related. I've had EKGs and holter monitor tests and all kinds of stuff checked out over the years, and it has always, always been anxiety. :(
DeleteIt's so hard to find downtime in this season of crazy paperwork, but I'll try. I may have to have a mental health day, I haven't taken a sick day yet this year. I definitely need to make space. Thanks for the love and peaceful thoughts!
Have you had an ekg, Jess? In addition to anxiety, palpitations can be caused by menopause-related changes. Just a thought. I’m glad you’re paying attention to what your body is telling you. I had palpitations starting about 20 years ago, when I was your age. It’s a good idea to get it checked out. Heart disease runs in our family. (Sorry - another thing to cause anxiety!) ❤️
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I've had multiple EKGs over the years and nothing is ever wrong with my ticker. I'm actually not solidly in the perimenopause yet, but I'll ask about it. You can rest assured that I've been tested for my heart tons, and it's always turned out to be anxiety (even if that was discovered retroactively). All good!
DeleteIm late to comment but Jess! I so understand. Give yourself some grace during this time. This anxiety business is no joke. It’s so super hard. It’s so crazy how anxiety can manifest itself in so many crazy ways. I’m rooting for you, and understand this part of your journey. Sending lots of love and good, calming vibes!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're able to recognize & name what's happening to you & that you're taking some steps to remedy the situation. Which doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. (((hugs!)))
ReplyDelete