I reached a point this past year where I could give away things in the "not ready to part with" box, and not feel hollow or super sad, like my tender insides were being scooped out bit by bit.
I gave a handful of things to my friend who adopted her son last year -- some board books, an owl puppet that makes him squeal. And, the stuffed elephant that my grandma gave us that goes with the book You're Here For A Reason. His nursery ended up being African Savannah themed, so it fit perfectly.
It felt good to pass these things on to a real live baby, and to have them not moulder in my attic space like creepy wasted relics. I honestly didn't feel sad when I gifted them, and even less sad when he so clearly adored the owl puppet.
So I was surprised when I felt a tinge of sorrow after coming home from a visit with my friend and her completely delicious baby. But not really, because it's one thing to give someone things that were supposed to be for your baby that never existed, and to see them in your own home or a restaurant. It's quite another to see them in their now-native environment, scattered on a toy-peppered couch, or placed just-so in a gorgeous nursery.
That brings a little more echo of What-Could-Have-Been-But-Never-Will-Be that reverberates in the beaten and onionskinned regions of my heart.
Do I regret giving those things away? NO.
Did I love seeing them used and cherished by someone else's hard-won family? YES.
Did it hurt? YES.
Would I choose differently given the chance? NO.
It just caught me off guard, is all.
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Sending hugs. Being caught off guard sucks. But I like your responses in the questions you put to yourself. That's all we can ask for. More hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mali. It's all a process.
DeleteSending lots of love and hugs, Jess. You are such a strong, beautiful, generous soul. Of course a situation so close to yours would bring up feeling of sadness. I’m sorry it caught you off guard...those times are the absolute worst. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Charlotte. It was a toughie, but worth it.
DeleteIt's just like with infertility that took me years to learn: we can be both happy and sad. Both blessed and grieving.
ReplyDeleteSo true, Risa. That happy/sad and blessed/grieving dichotomy does a number on you and can be hard for others to understand (although this friend totally got it).
DeleteWhat Risa says. I felt the pangs of sorrow as you walked us through the scene. I love how you are so mindful of feeling your feelings and processing here with us. I think it is probably a huge factor in your healing and resilience. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lori... I bet you're right. It helps so much to get the feelings out here and then they sort of stop bouncing around in my head.
Delete"Their now-native environment." Reading that phrase stuck with me all week. Very well put!
ReplyDeleteThank you, lady. It was weird to see them where they belong, because in a tub in my attic is definitely not a good place for things that could be so obviously enjoyed.
DeleteComplex feelings, complex situation. You are strong. I love you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mom. It sure was.
DeleteBeing caught off-guard and those tender moments are so hard. I'm sorry you were caught that way.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Renee. I totally didn't expect it, but it does totally make sense. Tender moments, indeed!
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