I had a checklist of things meant to ensure that THIS year would be better than the years before, that it would be less cursed-feeling, less painful, and bring more good things than challenging. Now that I think on it, it was eerily similar to my rituals during fertility treatment (I must wear orange underwear during the 2 week wait! I must light and burn red candles and snuff them if I must, never blow them out! I must spend time willfully visualizing the baby that was surely hatching and attaching!), where I felt like I would be personally responsible for a shitty year if the rituals weren't completed just so.
A short list:
- bowl of oranges on the table
- complete cleanout of the house, with all dirt removed from even the trash bins before the ball drop, so it could be a clean slate
- Banging on pots with a spoon out each door with weird banshee yelling, to scare away bad fortune
My mom always said you should have a tea kettle singing at midnight, but I'm not entirely sure why (maybe she can tell us in the comments) and I haven't had a proper tea kettle in years and years, so I let that one go.
I knew things were getting on the obsessive/unhealthy side when I yelled at Bryce for not getting his pot and spoon ready to bang out the door on time, and then I may have actually said, "If anything shitty happens this year it's YOUR FAULT!" Which, in retrospect, I regret and feel real stupid for saying. (That one came with fairly instant regret, actually.) A wooden spoon clanging against a pot never really did anything for us, so I don't know why each year I clung to that.
Also, two years in a row Bryce broke the wooden spoon he whacked against the pot. I'm not sure what that means in terms of good luck/bad luck, but I think the force with which Bryce clanged the spoon against the pot said more about how he felt about this particular tradition than about any luck that would or would not come our way.
This year, we started in a brand new house, with no need to do a deep cleaning as it was pretty darn spotless when we moved in and not much had schmutzed it up by 12/31.
And I let all that other stuff go, minus the champagne toast and the kiss.
There were no oranges.
There was no pot banging out the door.
There was no panicked running of the kitchen garbage bag to the garbage toter outside at 11:50.
And it felt...freeing. Bryce was able to return to his own tradition of reading a math book at the turn of the year (one that I may have overrode with the crazy cookware percussion demands). It was calm, and quiet, and without demands or expectation.
Maybe we didn't feel the need to do any of those things because we are at peace.
Maybe it doesn't feel like there is any bad fortune skulking at the door to chase away, anymore.
Maybe all of those rituals are unnecessary because there's nothing we need to demand of the new year -- we aren't asking for anything beyond happiness and health, and we've accepted that our happy life is going to be different from what we'd originally envisioned, and we are surviving and thriving in that new reality.
It is lovely to be free of the striving, of the bargaining, of the constant feeling of disappointment that came from always hoping and expecting things to be different. It is wonderful to sit in what is, and to soak in every beautiful moment.
That’s so interesting to know what the pot-clanging was supposed to symbolize. I learned of this from a friend, and never knew any significance behind it before now.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t grow up doing any sort of New Years traditions, and as an adult felt like I needed to, so we did go outside and bang pots one year, and then we also wrote down something we wanted to “let go of” and burned the paper in the same pots, and it all sort of felt a bit ridiculous really. So we no longer try and force it and really try and end up asleep we’ll before midnight which is nice in so many ways.
The only good New Years I ever had was one spent in Scotland during Hogmanay. Now their tradition is one I can definitely get behind...you kiss EVERYONE at midnight...everyone around you, and everyone you walk past for the next hour. It was happy and joyous, and free.
How funny -- a few years ago we used Flying Wish Paper with our neighbors, who came over for New Year's Eve, and what you do is basically write down a wish for the year, or a message for someone who's gone, or something you want to let go of (as you did), and then when you roll it up you DON'T smoke it, you light it from the bottom and it burns up the paper and it sort of flies up. It was stuff we used during fertility, as a goodbye ritual for losses, so it was a little bittersweet to use it for something hopeful. But, both my next door neighbor and Bryce wished for new jobs and they both had new jobs before the next year was done. Which is an odd coincidence. I'm good with not burning stuff, though. :)
DeleteOooh, Scottish new year's! So much kissing... I hope no one got a little too into it. :) I feel like I'd be too worried about germs to partake in that one, but in theory it sounds fun! Happy New Year's to you!
I now have this amazing image in my head of Bryce, banging away on a pot with a wooden spoon, with an expression that is somewhere between "let's get this over with" and "BUT MY BOOK, DAMNIT!" And one has to laugh now that you're on the other side of adhering to this ritual given that image and knowing that you are both benefiting from not subjecting yourselves to it anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to let go of rituals. I've often found myself in a panic for letting things go that I once clung to so readily. But I also know the feeling of freedom you are talking about and know the relief that comes when one is no longer torturing themselves with the fear of "what if."
May 2019 be a fantastic year, with your new home, Bryce advancing in his PhD program, you advancing at work and life you are building becoming a reality.
You made me laugh so hard! I read this to Bryce, and he was like, "I like this woman...what does she do?" He guessed you were linked to academia based on your PhD comment. :) Here's to a wonderful, free new year!
DeleteYour last paragraph is so perfect. It works in No Kidding terms as well as the adherence to rituals. Rituals are only useful I think if they give you comfort. Clearly, not having this ritual gives you more comfort. Brava! And cheers to 2019.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mali! Absolutely, when the ritual doesn't bring comfort (or becomes unhealthy), it's got to go. Happy 2019 to you, too!
DeleteHappy New Year! Yay to be free of the ritual shackles.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you, too! "Ritual shackles" -- such a perfect phrase.
DeleteThe best ritual (or non-ritual) of all: "we didn't feel the need to do any of those things because we are at peace."
ReplyDeleteAcceptance is a beautiful thing when we can get ourselves there. May your 2019 bring so many days of contentment and peace.
Thanks, Lori! It's a hard, hard road to acceptance. I'm so glad I can look at our life for what is rather than what could have been.
DeleteI've never heard of the pot banging ritual! In Germany when someone moves house, you are expected to bring over a loaf of bread and some salt as a welcome present. I guess both are useful items to have.
ReplyDeleteHa, that's hilarious... if someone brought me bread I'd wonder if they were trying to send me a message (bread is my nemesis unless it's gluten free thanks to Celiac). It wouldn't be a welcome! I have a student this year who keeps telling me how important it is to carry salt, in case of evil spirits (she's super into the show Supernatural). So maybe the salt and the pot banging aren't that far off... :)
DeleteI hadn't heard of the pot-banging ritual either for New Year. I hear what you're saying about rituals, though - I used to have several I'd do at various times and get super stressed if they weren't carried out "properly". It's...not a good feeling. I'm so, so glad that you were able to have a peaceful holiday.
ReplyDeleteYour last paragraph is gorgeous. And so is the photo. Happy New Year to you and Bryce!
This reminds me of when I was about 12... we used to have slumber parties with the three girls who lived across the street, also on New Years Eve when our parents were out partying together. I'd read somewhere ("Anne's House of Dreams," I think?) about opening the door to let the new year in, which we did, and then went to bed. One girl wanted to sleep and the rest of us were talking & keeping her up, so she went into another bedroom. Unfortunately, we hadn't closed the door properly, and when our parents got home, there was the front door open -- and one girl missing -- she was a sleepwalker (!) -- and it was about -35 outside that night. Momentary panic, and we weren't allowed to have slumber parties for quite a while after that, lol.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, rituals can be comforting, and I'm a big believer in ritual and tradition -- but when they become a burden, it's time to rethink things and perhaps pare down a bit. I wrote a post about Christmastime this past December and how the burdens of work & grief forced me to rethink what was absolutely essential to my idea of Christmas -- and then add in other stuff as I have time, money & energy. Happy new year, Jess! Looking forward to reading more from you in 2019!