Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, August 31, 2015

#Microblog Mondays: I Don't Want To Get Pregnant


Seems kind of backwards, right? But that was what I found myself saying, while half-naked in stirrups and pretty close to blubbering in my appointment with my OB/GYN on Friday, when he asked:

"So what is your goal with regulating your period?"

Interesting question, because I somehow thought that miracles would happen and after a lifetime of wonky cycles when not on the Pill and what seemed like a lifetime of trying to wrangle my body into doing something it just DID NOT want to do, it turns out that my cycles will not regulate themselves. And now, I do nothing but worry that despite all the evidence otherwise, I might be pregnant and pickling my baby with wine, or pregnant with an ectopic in my remaining tube and all set to pass out from internal bleeding where no one will find me and I will die alone. I need to be on birth control of some kind. (And possibly address what seems to be burgeoning anxiety.)

"I want regular periods and/or at least know that I am not pregnant. I don't want to even think it's possible that I'm pregnant anymore."

I was not pregnant (go figure), but was in the doctor's office because I've pretty much been spotting since July 25th and haven't had a proper Day One since June 25th, which seems... not right (and definitely hampers quality of life). My new doctor doesn't want me on the regular estradiol-based Pills because of my sneaky peeky heterozygous prothrombin mutation, which puts me at 2-5X risk of deep vein thrombosis, plus the whole migraine with aura thing... too much of a stroke/blood clot risk.

Soooo, my options were: the norplant thing in your arm (no), IUD (not if I can help it, I think my uterus has had enough invasions thankyouverymuch), progesterone-only pills, or Depo Provera. Which I didn't even know still existed. But it does, and sounds lovely. A shot every three months? Effective birth control despite my completely ineffective reproductive system? Dwindling period that eventually pretty much disappears? Yes, please.

I barely made it through the waiting room filled with happy pregos without spilling over, and then cried my eyes out in the car. I never thought that I would be begging to know that I am NOT pregnant at any time in the past six years. I realize that I am effectively ruling out that "miracle" pregnancy that some people are so sure will happen now that we're in the adoption process, despite all the incredible evidence that no miracle will be happening in this uterus, ever. I am okay with that, although feeling guilty and sad and traumatized by all my experiences.

But it's completely, utterly, inescapably true... I don't want to get pregnant. Not anymore. I want to enjoy my paper pregnancy without the fear of something going awry. Because in my mind and to my experience, no double line came with happiness that lasted. But hopefully my pretty pink binder filled with signed and submitted paperwork will. And I can relax into being an expectant mom this way a whole lot easier if I know it is completely impossible to become one, albeit briefly most likely, the other way.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays, ones probably shorter than this one? Go here and enjoy!

17 comments:

  1. Even though I haven't been in your situation, my heart aches for you. I continue to send good vibes, in the hopes that your journey to becoming a mother (with your binder in tow) is easier from here on out.

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    1. Thank you, it was a tough day. I will accept your good vibes! :)

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  2. Oh, I totally get this. Your brain is somewhere else now, and you don't want to keep having it dragged back to this other place; especially since it was a place that wasn't especially happy or hopefilled. Let your brain live in that happier, planning space. Good for you.

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    1. Yes, exactly. Logically I know to live in that happier, planning space but it's been tough the past few days having reminders that the other space just wasn't mine.

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  3. That's the min playing games I guess..

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    1. For sure... although my body plays the nastier games! :) I'm looking forward to having my body get with the program so that it can be synchronous with my mind's plan. If that makes any sense at all... :)

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  4. I am with Traci. My heart goes out to you right now, hoping and praying your paper pregnancy has good results!

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    1. Thank you! I am hopeful that it will be a fairly uneventful and smooth paper pregnancy. That would sure be nice.

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  5. I'm going to have to be on birth control for the rest of my non-menopause years to keep my endo under conrol. I did Depo Provera for a little over a year and I thought it was fantastic. Just a little reminder on your phone every 3 months and you don't have to think about it any other time. I hope it works well for you.

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    1. Oh, so happy to hear someone endorse the Depo! It really did sound fantastic. I feel like you should have a button, and when you don't need it for reproduction, you could just shut off your system. Poof, no more endo, no more PCOS hormonal wackiness, just menopause without the side effects. (And then if you were able, push the button back on if you wanted to try to conceive again.) A girl can dream, right?

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  6. I totally get this too! I'm going for Nexplanon this week, as I don't want to risk being that urban legend who gets pregnant after infertility. The biggest issue with Nexplanon is irregular bleeding, which is actually fine with me. After scheduling treatments and living on hold around my menstrual cycle, I'm happy to have a bleeding pattern that is in no way regular. Nexplanon suppresses ovulation, so even better not to ovulate!

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    1. I'll be interested to hear how you like the Nexplanon. Isn't it interesting how the whole infertility experience makes your birth control choices so personal? I want regular bleeding because mine never was and it reminds me that my system is dysfunctional, but I can totally see that irregular bleeding would take you away from all the scheduled regularity of treatment. Good luck with the Nexplanon!

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  7. Such great comments. Abiding with you. Hugs!

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    1. I know -- totally feeling the love! Thank you. I appreciate the hugs so much!

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  8. I'm so so so glad you didn't go for the IUD option, Jess. (Hugs!) It is a lot of pain if it's not done right, and even then it can be a lot of pain anyway. I love you and am thinking of you. This (anxiety and need to control outcomes where possible) is a completely, totally understandable thing to go through...you are not alone.

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    1. Thanks, Amanda. There's actually a new smaller IUD that just came out that is supposed to help make it easier, but I hate the invasiveness of it more than anything else. Yikes.

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  9. It's one of the weirdest, achiest, most surreal things in the world to discuss birth control after infertility. Because, yeah, there's a sort of packing up of that particular vision/dream, and even when it's in service of a new hope/dream, there's still a letting go involved. It's hard. Hoping this difficult day allows you to keep moving forward towards that new dream.

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