Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, March 2, 2015

#Microblog Mondays: Red Flag Worries



There is a staggering amount of paperwork involved in adoption -- stacks and stacks and stacks -- before you even have those home study visits and are eligible to be profiled by expectant parents.  I don't mind sending in all the required paperwork to prove that we are upstanding people with an incredible marriage and good, stable lives (although it did seem awfully morbid to have to send in a report from my doctor that stated that I was "likely to live to the majority of my child" -- a little creepy, that one, so glad the answer was YES). 

But I AM a little worried that my way of attacking all this paperwork is causing little alarm bells to ring on the part of the agency. 

We have gotten a TON of the paperwork in already -- all that's left is Bryce's medical form, our employment form, our financial form, our 2015 tax forms, and the autobiographies, once we mail in the birth certificates, marriage certificates, and divorce decrees that are now in our possession. In fact, I'm waiting to mail those documents until this weekend, because... 

When I called for clarification on filling out the background check form with the 28 addresses (Bryce lived here first, then I moved in, so -- just in case you have this similar situation -- you list it on the "shared addresses" page on the front to the date that the second person moved in, and then the first person lists it again on their individual addresses page to account for the time before the other person combined households), it was a week after we'd met to get all the forms. 

Our family advocate was like, a little hesitant, "You don't have to actually get all this in now...your classes aren't until May. [It won't speed things up to crank through this.]" *unclear if this was actually said, or inferred by me

So I was immediately red-faced on my end of the phone connection, and rushed, "Oh no no no no no no, I am in no way sending in my stuff ASAP and then expecting things to move on your end as fast as I can crank through the paperwork and get it to you. I just want it off my plate, into your hands, sooner than later--especially since I'm on school break and can run around to get some of the things done that require appointments and visits to government buildings." 

That seemed to soothe the worries, real or imagined, that I was going to be like, "I GOT MY PAPERWORK IN! GIVE ME MY BABY NOW!" Which I really am not like at all. I just like, when there is a task to be done, to figure out the best possible way to attack it and get it done

But now I'm a teensy bit worried I'm making a reputation for myself as being overly eager and/or high maintenance. It's not really so hard to feel a little overanalyzed as you're basically opening yourself up for deep inspection on this path to become parents, even if you are being a tad sensitive along the way.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy! (Sorry, this one was a little longer than it should have been.)

14 comments:

  1. Mr. MPB is incredibly worried that I'm going to make a reputation for myself as being overly eager and/or high maintenance with our adoption agency! In our mandatory seminar, thankfully he would tap my leg to tell me to shut-up every now and again. And now I am working to limit my questions and general "annoyance" of our local agency.
    That said, I wanted more contact with them so I did volunteer for a pretty big role with our local agency to fill a short-term need, in part so I could continually be in contact with them in a positive way, without actually nagging them. Now that that roll is done (thankfully), they all know me and seem to like me which is a bonus. :)
    And, if it helps, I was just like you with the paperwork when we started all of this, but now I have a bunch of stuff to do (i.e. dear birth mother letters, photos, etc.) and I am procrastinating like there is no tomorrow because me getting them done early will not speed up the other stuff.
    I hope you can find the right balance!

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    1. Ha! Wow, go you for volunteering. I signed up for a committee, but it may be hard to do too much since the agency is over an hour away. I can be an ambassador, though! Our classes aren't for a while, but I feel like I will also have to rein in my inner (outer) Hermione. I was that kid in class who raised their hand all the time and wouldn't shut up. That is an interesting perspective--slamming through the stuff you can, and then holding out on things that won't make the process speed up any, taking a little room to breathe. I just need us to have everything in by the time we do our classes, because if we do that then we can schedule our social worker visits as soon as possible after the classes end. You're right, it's a hard balance! I'm glad you're finding yours.

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  2. I love that bit about giving you a baby now, it made me chuckle.

    On the whole, I see that as being a positive, of course you're excited! The agency should be worried if the opposite were happening.

    I understand the vulnerability especially when you are giving the agency all this information about yourselves. It's stressful and the feelings are absolutely natural.

    For what it's worth, I definitely don't think you are being over eager or high maintenance. Just doing what any responsible and organized person would do!

    Wishing you all the best and a speedy match with a birth mother :)

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    1. Oh good, I'm glad I'm not coming across over eager, although I am super excited! I just want to do the things I have control over, since there's so much out of my hands, you know? Thank you so much for your thoughts, and so glad I made you chuckle! :)

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  3. As a former teacher, I can completely understand the feeling of making a list of what needs to be done and then getting it done. As you said, out of your hands and out of your mind. People really do not understand how busy a teacher's life can be and I think you are so smart to use your spring break to your advantage, so much less stress of trying to figure out how you are going to get to all of those government buildings with their probably funny hours of operation. Churning it out now is less stress for you and I wouldn't read too much into it. You gave your explanation and it sounds like it was suffice. I think they will ease up when they realize over the next few months that you are not high maintenance because you will be chilling and not banging down their door. You are organized and use your time wisely. I have a friend who was a teacher and she adopted a little boy. She got all of her paperwork done in a month. You will not be the first, and you will not be the last. Teachers rock! And they are much more efficient and organized than what some ever fully realize or appreciate. You are staying true to yourself and you are doing a great job!

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    1. YES! Thank you so much. If I had to be doing all that running around now, I'd just cry. School takes so much of your time, and as it is I'm feeling guilty I didn't spend more time over break working on IEPs. I definitely think they will get to know me, as all of our clinic staff has had to do, and they will get how we "tick." Thanks for the encouragement and letting me know that overachieving on the paperwork front is normal for a teacher! :) Thanks for your thoughts and for soothing my hypersensitive beast within.

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  4. I can't imagine they'd ding you for being organized and efficient. Maybe they're trying to protect you and want to manage your expectations, make sure you aren't going to be disappointed by long lush times. At least I hope that's what they're thinking. I can't wait for May!

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    1. I think I'm not as worried about actually being dinged (okay, fine, I'm totally worried about a running ding count) as I am about being misunderstood. You're right, they are totally trying to manage expectations and be sure that we are aware that the process is long and full of waiting. I can't wait for May, either! So excited for what's to come. Thanks for being here with me! :)

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  5. It's an awakening (a rude one, perhaps) to reach the age of adulthood, thinking that you're done being judged by people in authority, and then put yourself in a position to be judged.

    In hindsight, I can see that through our process, the caseworkers were trying to usher us in rather than weed us out. If I'd known that at the start, I might not have stressed so much.

    I know you're gonna sail through :-). Green flags only.

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    1. Yes! I totally feel like I've put myself in a position to be judged. Willingly, and happily for the outcome, but it's a little disconcerting. Especially when your life isn't a straight line, but a jagged one.

      Love that idea of ushering you in rather than weeding you out! We feel that way with this agency, whereas we went to an open house for another agency years ago and it felt VERY much like a weeding out. I will try to rein in my stress.

      Thank you for your green flag thoughts! I just have to remember everything is far less complicated outside my mind than inside it, where I tend to perseverate on all the what ifs. Time to spend quality time with your meditation... :)

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  6. I am like that, too, and I always worry that I am upsetting people on the other end. I don't care (well, I mean, yes I do) how long THEY take. But I want my stuff done and checked off and out of my hands ASAP.

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    1. That's exactly how I feel! Exactly.

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  7. The women in our family are very strong, organized, and quick to respond to important items on our list! It should be viewed as a positive (quick to respond is not a bad quality in a future-mom!). Love you.

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