Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, February 16, 2015

#Microblog Mondays: Safe To Come Out

One of the many rituals that I completed when in the throes of IVF was the epitome of "magical thinking." It was suggested that I buy onesies, wash them, and set them out in the room a baby would one day inhabit--so that I might send a message to the Universe that I was ready to receive this special little soul. In retrospect, I find this incredibly ill-advised, as my message was sent, and sent, and sent and never was my invitation accepted and confirmed. No phantom baby suddenly filled the adorable onesies that littered the bed and the tiny rocking chair and, at times, the chair in our master bedroom so that I could look on them when I went to sleep and when I woke. There's nothing wrong with visualizing a baby, and planning ahead, and giving yourself permission to dream that an actual baby will fill out that onesie, but when the cycles inevitably went wrong in whatever way, I was left with empty husks embroidered with elephants, leaving my heart emptier every time I saw them.

So we'd put them away. And then after so much loss, I had Bryce hide the ones I'd already bought, because they were just too painful to leave in plain sight.

But now...

...now I have had Bryce excavate them from their hiding places (which were hilariously in plain sight and in rooms I spend a LOT of time in, so they were never actually very far away). They are freshly laundered and reset from their position of grief and emptiness in our home. They are carefully folded and placed in the tiny dresser that is already in our little room. They are ready for FutureBaby, because now that we are stepping deeper into the adoption process, he/she is a distinct reality, almost tangible, and completely expected--we are so, so ready for him/her to come into that room, into our lives, looking adorable in clothes picked out years and years before his/her arrival.

Little dresser... obviously going to need a bigger one.

The tiniest onesies drawer, elephant plush blanket, and the baby blanket
my sister knitted us years ago that can now come out to play.

Little onesies that didn't fit in the tiny drawer, larger sizes, some
adorable matching bibs. The pink and blue ones came from two sets I
bought during our first DE cycle, wanted to be sure the Universe knew I
wasn't preferring one over the other. Sounds a tad nutso now. :)
Love the jellyfish. That one's a favorite...
Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy! 

10 comments:

  1. Those are just so adorably cute! I am waiting eagerly to see the tiny feet that will be warmed by those clothes soon. May that day come speedily to your home.

    Love and light, Shailaja

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    1. Thank you! I am just going to ignore gender stereotypes and use it all. I appreciate your enthusiasm and good wishes! I'm just in awe of how tiny the newborn sizes are... tiny feet indeed! :)

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  2. May there soon be a baby to fill those clothes; arriving soon.

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    1. Thank you so much... soon is incredibly relative but it's sooner than it would have been, I'd like to think. If that makes sense at all!

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  3. Clothing often carries significant meaning for parents or parents-to-be. Sounds like you are giving them new meaning with FutureBaby as a way to reflect on your journey to welcome them into your family. Many hopes sent your way along this new road.

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    1. Absolutely -- you've got it. They are symbolic to us as well as newly practical. Thank you so much for your hopes and your thoughts!

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  4. Great post and I love that they are freshly laundered and ready and waiting :)

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    1. Thank you -- it was strangely cathartic to wash them again. If I was really serious I'd wash them in Dreft, but I know they'll be in that drawer for a little while and so I may as well consider my fragrance-and-dye-free, plant-based detergent a good placeholder. They are totally waiting! But patiently, of course. It is so incredibly nice to have a drawer full of baby clothes feel hopeful, not sad. Thank you for your thoughts!

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  5. Will you want/need a baby shower? I'd love to help with that! So happy for you!

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    1. Thanks for your happiness! Baby showering is a complicated subject, we'll have to talk, but I appreciate that you want to be involved with helping--thank you!

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