Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Piece by Peace

Over a week ago, when the world of IVF crumbled to dust around around our feet and we found ourselves done in the most unsatisfying way, I was a mess -- not just because I was horribly sick with a stomach virus, but because an impending loss had become tangible and the words "IT'S OVER" hung over us, all in caps,  like a messed up caption for that moment.

While I know that grief comes in waves and it's certainly not over and done with, I am finding that a sense of peace has come over me like a warm heated blanket, offering comfort in the face of this unfair end to our quest for pregnancy and a baby. It is both surprising and...not.

We have been mourning piecemeal for years, it seems. We started mourning our genetic components over two years ago, first mine and then Bryce's. This turn of events where we lose all genetic components isn't a shocking tragedy but rather a final acceptance of what has been a death of a thousand cuts. It hurts, but we can be at peace with it. Bryce actually said the other day, "I hope you don't think this comes off as callous, but I am SO GLAD THIS IS OVER, because now we can finally have our family."

I didn't think that was callous, I thought it was a beautiful truth. I will not miss jabbing myself with needles and getting probed vaginally and driving all over kingdom come for NOTHING. Because, at the end of all this hard work and positive thinking and changes in habits and hoping harder than a human should have to for a bodily function to work, we were left empty-handed. Chasing genetics and pregnancy (really, it was all about chasing pregnancy) led us further from a child of our own, not closer. We lost sight of the true goal, a lifetime of parenting, when we strove for an experience that lasts less than one year despite overwhelming evidence that things just weren't working out (and underwhelming reasons to explain WHY). I don't regret the journey, but it is so eye opening to realize how much freedom I feel in finally letting that go. I hadn't realized just how much weight I carried until it was gone.

It's time for hope, REAL hope, and a process that comes with its own complications and loss and potential for hurts, but one that works and will make us a family. (Expanded family, Bryce hates it when I say we will be a family, as he firmly believes we are a family already.) It has been surprisingly easy to embrace this new path, to feel excitement and hope and anticipation for this different process. We feel lighter, left without that awful sense of "WHAT HORRIBLE NEWS/BIZARRE TURN OF EVENTS WAITS FOR US NOW???" that came with our infertility journey. Now, we truly feel like expectant parents.

 FutureBaby, we're coming for you.

16 comments:

  1. I so get what you are saying in this post!! I am so happy you too are now able to enjoy "excitement and hope and anticipation for this different process. We feel lighter." After hesitating for months, I've always been amazes at how quickly Mr. MPB and I both took to adoption once we decided it was our path forward. And I'm so excited to see that you and Bryce are as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I'm so glad! It is definitely a sense of lightness. I am so glad to travel this path with you, if a few steps behind! :)

      Delete
  2. Yayayayayay! Can't wait to meet FutureBaby! Beautiful post. I am so happy for you and Bryce!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! We are super excited to meet FutureBaby. Glad you are, too! :)

      Delete
  3. I can't wait to meet futurebaby! You always put thoughts into such eloquent words that I know you'll be a source of strength for someone else who is still on the chasing pregnancy journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am not by any means forsaking the chasing pregnancy journey, but for me I have transitioned to another journey that will hopefully bring more joy than chasing pregnancy ever did. It hurts that I will never be a success story, but I am so glad we came to the conclusion that we needed a different path at this point. We can have hope again! I hope to be helpful to anyone who needs it... :) Thank you for your compliments and your support and thoughts. I so appreciate it!

      Delete
  4. I understand giving it your all to get pregnant, but I'm so happy that you're so happy to be moving in this direction. There's a lightness to your writing that is heartwarming. Such a wonderful development. Have you read/are you reading the adoption journal on NYT's Motherlode, I've been enjoying it: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/category/adoption-journal/?module=BlogCategory&version=Blog%20Post&action=Click&contentCollection=U.S.&pgtype=Blogs&region=Header

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man, we really did give it our all until it was far more pain than anything remotely hopeful. And YES, we are so happy and light now, and it just feels so... good. I will have to check out this link! We just got our inches-thick manual from our agency, and so I am feeling buried in reading material, but I will check it out. Your links are always so helpful! :) Thank you for the support and the love!

      Delete
  5. I love the tone of this- the true joy that I can sense from your writing. I'm with Bryce, I'm so glad you're moving forward -- there is something so freeing in letting go of one thing and moving on to the next when you really are ready. I'm glad you're there, and I can't wait to read as this next chapter unfolds!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! There is definitely joy and freedom here. Thank you so much for your kind words and your support! :)

      Delete
  6. If I were there I'd give you a big high five, like the run and jump kind. Do people still do that? If not they should. Coming for future baby is SO high five worthy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I take your high five! I love your high five! I am that kind of person... :) Thank you so much!

      Delete