A big fat huzzah to the fact that we are officially, OFFICIALLY moving next week! The movers come Monday, and we got the clear to move this past Tuesday, so we have been frantically packing up what seems like literal tons of books and trying to get as much stuff as possible over to the new house before the movers come and charge us money to do us that favor.
Packing up has been a mixed bag. It is so very exciting to be on to a new adventure, to be going to a house that is all new to us and just waiting to have new memories made within its walls. But packing things has brought up an awful lot of sadness for me, sadness that I'm hoping to shed as we move from this house to the new one.
My office was a place of quiet remembrance this weekend, as I packed up all my books and realized just how many picture books I have that I really have no use for. I have the ones from my own childhood, and ones from when I worked for Scholastic, and ones I use in my classroom, and ones that I just bought and loved for myself because the art is beautiful. Those all made it over.
But then there's the sad ones. The ones that were clearly meant for a child who didn't come. The ones that have nameplates from my shower with notes from the people who gifted them to us, addressed to our nonexistent baby, declaring love for this amorphous being in the ether who didn't materialize, imagining storytimes snuggled up in a cozy blanket together that just will never be.
That was a heavy shelf, let me tell you.
I am finding that I am okay with saying goodbye to some of these books, even though I feel horribly guilty (my best friend assures me that I don't have to feel guilty, but I do). I really don't want them in the new house. I want the new house to be free of little bombs of devastation hidden in bookshelves or tubs in a closet. I want the books I bring over to have meaning for me, not for a sad reminder of what did not come to pass. I don't need books or other physical items as reminders of what is deeply entwined within me.
And so I am putting together boxes to donate, and refusing to shelve books that have no value to me, for me. They will be better honored in the hands of some other tiny child, one who exists and isn't a ghost. It's better to have books that are used and enjoyed by someone, rather than moldering like dusty relics of our grief. They don't belong in this new space.
It's just so, so hard to feel all this so acutely, and so I hope by dealing with these things before we are fully settled I can start fresh in a new home that is filled with light and music and books and the joy of our new life together.
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That's a tough project for sure. Sending thoughts and a hug for getting through this part of packing.
ReplyDeleteAhhh Jess, I can only imagine how hard that shelf was, how difficult it is to be revisiting all of those feeling and images during a time when you just want to be excited and joyous. Made more difficult by the fact that you don’t have all the time in the world to dwell on it because of the timely nature of the move, so I imagine you are having to feel this bomb of feels pretty wuickly in rapid succession, leaving you in a whirlwind of emotions. Moving on, especially in this physical sense, is hard because there is always something being left behind. So give yourself some grace to acknowledge this ending, and to move forward to your new home a bit lighter. These are exciting times, but you are still allowed to feel the way you need to feel about it in order to truly move forward. (((Hugs))) and so much excitement for you, while also feeling the sadness with you.❤️❤️❤️
ReplyDeleteYay that you have a moving date. But yes, dealing with those precious books for the baby you never met would have been heartbreaking. I almost forget how close you are to your loss - the ultimate one of ending your family-building attempts - because you seem to be doing so well. But this wonderful post not only honours what you have lost, it honours yourself too - recognising your grief, but honouring your future too. None of this is easy, I know. And the emotions must be so complicated. Be kind to yourself as you go through this.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and love.
Aw, that must have been hard.. I think you are making the right choice to give those books away. Hoping you will make lots of wonderful memories in your new place!
ReplyDeleteOnce again I am in awe of your ability to embrace What Is. Over the years you have cleared out the painful and brought in the fresh, remaining undaunted by tasks that seem big to me (like moving!). I'm excited for this next chapter!
ReplyDeleteI have tears in my eyes reading this. You have been so hopeful, so sad, and so brave. May lightness fill your heart as you let go and pass along these beautiful books to other little hands. May you have much love and laughter in your new home, and may all the sorrows of the past stay far, far behind. Love you. ❤️
ReplyDeleteI love what you said, about refusing to feel guilty for removing these little bombs of devastation to they don't follow you to the new house. (Congrats by the way!) Here's to new memories. Ones for just you and your husband. <3
ReplyDeleteYay for the clearance to move!
ReplyDeleteI want the new house to be free of little bombs of devastation hidden in bookshelves or tubs in a closet.
So brave. So strong. Getting stronger every day.
Hugs to you.