I got particularly sad when the closing on our "old" house was pushed up, presumably so the family could spend Christmas in their new house. This was a family who we saw going in for one of the showings from our neighbor's house, and their youngest is a little towheaded boy. With curly hair. A highly energetic, adorable stab to the heart by way of my uterus. I was so very excited to get into our new house, to start this new life in earnest, in a house where all the memories were yet to be made and there weren't any hard moments to sneak up on us, but I couldn't help but feel down about the fact that some other family, with a child that looked very much like what I imagined our biological child might have looked like, was going to have the Christmas we'd always hoped for in our old house. That they were going to live the alternate reality we couldn't make happen, and their rooms would be full of the beautiful chaos we'd wanted so badly.
I was kind of a disaster for a few days, quick to tear up, and just bummed about that one last loss.
But then, once we got settled into our new home, a home of new life and new dreams, that loss just sort of...evaporated.
We had a beautiful Christmas in our new home. We have spent untold hours unpacking and organizing and arranging and rearranging, and the house already looks like our home. It FELT like our home from the very beginning. It was weird, actually.
I don't feel creeped out in this home at all. I can walk the halls in the dark and not feel scared. It is surrounded by woods, and I am not fearful at all. I feel...happy. Settled. Content. Amazed at our good fortune to have found this house and snagged it for ourselves.
I feel as though we were haunted by the pain of our losses, of the dreams that couldn't be realized, in our old house. It's like there was a veil of sadness over everything. More than once we felt like the house didn't want us to have children, which sounds kookoocrazypants but it was a very real feeling. My office was steeped in sadness and loss -- it went from Bryce's exwife's son's room when he was small, to a guest room, to a guest room I redecorated to be happy and beachy, to a room we knew was going to be a nursery, to an actual nursery, and then to my office, but with board books under the chaise lounge and the lovebird decals still up from the nursery wall set. A new and glorious space, yes, but also one with a definite feel of something was lost here.
We loved our old home, our old cozy little hobbit house. But it wasn't until we settled into this new space that we realized how free we feel in this one. How perfect it is for us. How we have nothing but new dreams to pursue here, and some have already been realized.
What we see in this house are the positives of our relatively new childfree life, and not the negatives. We can embrace what is and let go of what isn't. There's no room that was meant for a child here. This house is actually not too terribly child friendly, which I think is why it took a bit to sell and we didn't have to fight anyone for it. There's plenty of room for books, and delicious meals, and a fire, and sitting out on a deck and listening to birds and watching the sunset.
And there's room for something I've always wanted and is now a reality -- a dream realized that never could have happened in our old house -- that was my last Christmas present from Bryce.
|We are now the proud owners of a PING PONG TABLE! And a room with ceilings high enough and a large enough space to fit it (as long as we fold it up against the wall or wheel it into the closet when we're done).|
It's a good life. It's a good move, starting fresh somewhere else that is clearly manufactured for our life now, and not the dreams that died.
|My wall of books in my new office -- I'm going to put my diplomas and National Board Certification on the wall in that top middle cubby box and feel all fancy!|
|More books! Bryce has a wall of built in bookshelves in his office, so his fancy giant bookcase is shared out in the hall.|
|EVEN MORE BOOKS! And the fireplace. And the cat. And a sneak peek into the dining room/kitchen.|
|Sunset view from the deck out back.|
I feel like we are truly living a dream right now.