Coping With Anxiety In A Pandemic

Pandemics are, by their very nature, anxiety-causing. I don't think there's anyone who is like, "Oh, can't wait for that super-relaxing pandemic to start! Going to be so much fun!"

But as someone who struggles with anxiety, this coronavirus situation is throwing me a big infectious curveball.

I wrote on Monday about finding the positives. And I am still trying to do that, but when the news gets worse and worse and the uncertainty of just how long we will be home and what's happening to my students... it's hard.

The physicality of my anxiety is definitely ramped up. I am experiencing that fight-or-flight response daily, and am SO SO SO glad that when I had the flu my NP gave me a refill prescription on my lorazepam. Because I've needed it. My heart starts racing around 3:00 every day...I can't really figure out why. It's not like I go on a news binge at that time every day, but by dinnertime I am a wreck.

Logically, I know that I am as fine as I could be. I am isolated, I am washing my hands every time I bring the mail or packages in, I am putting cardboard right into the recycling bin and washing my hands after handling, we are sanitizing doorknobs and surfaces all the time. And my phone. My phone is getting an alcohol wipe sponge bath at least once per day. We have food. I have 60 days of all my meds (except lorazepam, but I'm hoping if I need to I can get that too, or maybe I can figure out a way to manage this panic response sans medication before I run out of that stuff). Both Bryce and I are working at home. I have tons of books and stuff to do, and I've been posting up things to my Google Classroom like mad (probably more than I should at this point, I don't want to overwhelm people). So far I'm not seeing a whole lot of activity on my Google Classroom, despite an hour long conversation with a parent and several emails. I did get three journal entries from one student, which was amazing, and a message from her that said "I miss you a lot!" which warmed my heart. I miss them too. And I'm worried, especially about those I've yet to hear from.

BUT. Bryce found out today that someone in his building had symptoms, checked in with a health professional and is now home waiting for results. This person works in a department that he visits regularly. So that starts that 14 day clock again from the last time he was in the office. And then there's the time he went to the grocery store to pick up my prescription that was only a partial earlier, and got more supplies, and was around A LOT of people. That was Sunday 3/15. So 14 days from that is 3/29.

That's the other thing, this time warp aspect. We feel like until we've been home for 14 days and neither of us is sick, we are living in a constant state of shoe-over-the-head, waiting to drop. Because last Wednesday, 3/11, we had one confirmed case that was travel related, and then Saturday was the press conference announcing the new case with community transmission who was a school employee, and now, today, as of this morning, we have 34 confirmed cases, one death, 11 people in the hospital, and 195 people in mandatory quarantine. Half of our cases are under 60. BUT WHY SHOULD I BE SCARED??? It's freaking nervewracking.

Then again, it's exactly what we expected, given the nature of the virus. It spreads when people feel perfectly fine, and is like a time machine of contagion. But it doesn't make it any less scary.

Sooo... my coping mechanisms. For all my books, my brain is all lizardy and unable to focus on relaxing things AT ALL. I'm having a hard time keeping my attention on any one thing. I feel panicky and jittery. I did do two mini puzzles though. And I am recording audio for a book we're reading in my English Google Classroom, because Bryce set me up with my own mini recording studio so my kids can hear me reading it. Which is all kinds of awesome. I'm walking outside and doing online Pilates classes and taking naps.

Just a mini recording studio in with my cardstock, washi tape, and modpodge... :)

But it's overwhelming. Just the state of the world is overwhelming. The fact that it feels like End of Days is overwhelming. I keep having dreams about people coming to the door dressed in weird ferret mascot costumes looking to rob us of our supplies, or all of our oranges going blue and moldy at once. Both are scary. One is slightly more realistic than the other.

I'm following Infertile Phoenix's advice  and showering every day and even putting real clothes on. I may have bought some things online to cheer me up, too. Like these Danforth Pewter four-leaf clover earrings and mini necklace that were on sale, because who couldn't use a little extra luck right now?

I guess I'll save money on makeup during this time? Also, I WISH SO HARD that I'd changed my hair appointment to two weeks earlier. I'll be back to my very silvery natural roots in no time! 

That's another funny thing to think about...when this is over we'll know just how much of everyone's physical appearance is artificial! The hair, the fillers, the waxing... I'm working on a solid goatee at the moment. (Tweezers can fix that though, so I really have no excuse other than laziness.)

I'm supremely grateful to be able to go outside. I feel for my city-dwelling friends who are stuck inside and/or have to be super careful when going out for a walk. I've seen more deer than people when out and about, and the natural outdoors is healing. That whole forest bathing thing? TRUE.

My neighbor's snowdrops. So pretty and hopeful. 

So pretty! Around the "block" from my house

Hard to see, but there are little white blooms on that tree in the middle/left front. HOPE!

Pretty budded twig on the road. 

The dandelions are pushing out! I always love them in the early spring. 

The other thing that's good to look forward to is my garden. I am on Bulb Watch -- I planted a shit-ton of daffodils and anemones, and totally forgot that I planted some crocuses too!

So cute and tiny and vibrant!

Daffodils that came with the house starting to poke up out of the lawn. 

Lastly, we have a neighbor with a flock of guinea fowl who come traipsing through our yard most days. They make me laugh and add a bright spot to the day. 

Whatchoo looking at?

Running through the wild raspberries that are the untamed side of the front yard...

TEE HEE HEE, they are so funny!

These are the little things that are keeping me together. These are the things that keep me off the ledge of my anxiety. I am hoping that it gets better as this becomes the new normal. I am hoping to find a way to balance and take care of myself during this bizarre time.

I hope you can find the same, and that my little treasures that get me through the day help bring some brightness to yours, too.