Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Cancelled

Last night I was in my kitchen, helping out with setting up dinner, when I received an email from our Superintendent, informing us that new regulations had come to light with the school closures, and while Governor Cuomo (who everyone seems to be crushing hard on lately) lifted the 180 day requirement that schools need to meet in order to receive their state funding for education, he updated that stipulation to say that's true ONLY IF YOU ARE MAINTAINING CONTINUITY OF LEARNING, ACTIVITIES, FOOD, AND CHILDCARE FOR EVERY WEEKDAY THROUGH APRIL 15th, which is the current date schools are closed until.

Spring break was supposed to be next week, and now it is cancelled.

Next week will be like any other week (which is definitely NOT like any other week before 3/16), with us still trying to figure out how to deliver instruction remotely when our district wasn't set up for that before this, and when we haven't been reliably receiving work from around 50% of the student population. Of my 9 students I service in my special education program that is half self-contained and half integrated co-taught, I have received work that I can provide feedback on from TWO students so far. In my Social Studies class of 9, I have received work and feedback from 3 students. But every day I am trying to connect with students and families and provide learning opportunities and feedback when I can, and connecting with colleagues to try to figure out just how we execute this unprecedented plan to teach remotely for the first time under crisis.

So the idea of a break was super appealing, to have space to NOT be logged in all the time, to NOT feel uncertainty and guilt about what I am or am not doing and who I am and am not reaching despite my best efforts. To, even though I am not leaving the house except for walks in my somewhat rural neighborhood and the occasional take out pickup where they place it in the trunk and we wipe everything down with Clorox wipes before we even bring it upstairs, PRETEND THAT I AM ON A STAYCATION and this isn't a terrible global pandemic we're living through.

I understand the need for continuous delivery of food. I understand the need for childcare. I can't help but think that the students (and their families) could use a break from instruction, too...a little normalcy in the face of everything changing so rapidly and the world being so scary.

I guess it's that loss of normalcy in the Break Is Cancelled email that prompted me to burst into tears and then have a good ugly cry for about a half hour.

You're going to be shocked by this, but I am having a hard time with balance and this new reality. I worked a lot when school was in session (I stayed late, did stuff at home, worked many weekend hours, needed my TA to remind me to go pee), but now it looks so differently and there's this weird blur in the day. I'm logged in to my school account and get emails on my phone and my iPad and my laptop all day (and I feel like I need to have one of those on me at all times), and I have a hard time saying "okay, it's after 3, I will wait to respond until tomorrow."

Part of that is because I know there are a lot of people who are balancing doing this teaching thing AND parenting/teaching their own small children, and while I am grateful that I do not have to do that, I also have tremendous, super-un-productive guilt over NOT having that piece in my day, and that it somehow means that I need to do MORE because I don't have that added responsibility. And I take on the responsibility of trying to make sure everyone is doing what they should and has what they need and it's just too much. Logically I know that this is pretty much all outside of my control, and there is nothing I can do but practice that whole acceptance thing.

It turns out I suck at that.

I have guilt that maybe I'm not doing enough. I have guilt that maybe I'm doing too much and stressing out my students and families. I have guilt that I have more freedoms than others (which is real dumb because I doubt that they have guilt for having what I wanted so badly but couldn't have). I have guilt that I have food and housing security. I have guilt that I have a steady paycheck coming (which helps to feed the guilt about not doing enough, even though I know that's not true, logically). I have guilt that we can afford to do Instacart and not step foot in a grocery store. I have guilt that I can reduce my risk substantially because I can pay for services that put others at risk. I have guilt that I have all these beautiful books to read but I feel too guilty to sit and read them. I have guilt that I feel so sad about the cancellation of break when there are healthcare workers who are working way more than normal and putting their lives at risk, and kids who desperately need the structure and routine of school but who can't access that right now. I have guilt that I am so sad about not having a break that doesn't even work like a "real" break anyway.

It's so heavy. And I know it is an unnecessary load, one that I've piled on my back for no good reason, but that's just how my brain works. And the break thing really screwed with my head. Because as it is, we are working off of 2 week increments -- we are closed until April 15th, and yet we know that if the apex of this in NY is likely 2-3 weeks out, WE WILL BE CLOSED FAR LONGER THAN THAT. But it's coming out in these little onesie twosie two week increments, which makes it harder to plan and feel like there is any certainty.

Because of course, there IS NO CERTAINTY.

Certainty is an illusion.

Which you'd think I would have learned through all the years of infertility treatments and IVF and adoption that did not result in the child we wanted. And so much of it came in 2 week increments. And so much of it was made up of plans that were cancelled. Of feeling wildly out of control but still wanting to grasp at some way to corral it into something manageable, through obsessive data charting and thought spirals and projecting when things might work out and what next year might look like IF things were successful.

It feels so terribly familiar.

And the cancelled break felt like all the other cancellations that went with my life before, and took this opportunity for self care and threw it away.

I suppose the upside to this is that I will just have to figure out my own regimen for self care and how to manage all this better than I am now (which falls under NOT AT ALL). I will have to plot out my day and make parameters for myself so I don't lose my fucking mind. Unless it's too late, ha HA ha ha. I will have to practice the whole letting go and acceptance that I did with something way more momentous, but figure out how to do it with something that has no foreseeable end and could possibly kill people I love.

This sucks.

Someone sent me this today, and I really need to remind myself those last two lines aren't just for students... they are for me, too.


So just do your very best.
And do not worry about the rest. 

Solid advice I need to take.

8 comments:

  1. Whoa, lady. I get the stress and uncertainty you are feeling and the fact the rug got pulled out from underneath you over this break being canceled. Seriously, that sucks (I agree that everyone could use a break with all of this). But I’m here to tell you that you’re taking on WAY too much for all of this. Online learning is hard for those of us who have been transitioning and learning about how to do it. Doing it overnight is a Herculean task. Not having students engaged is expected because that requires erasing all the gaps that exist between those who have and those who don’t. That’s a social justice issue that isn’t solely on you.

    I have some ideas for you for this canceled Spring Break. First involves making a more relaxed curriculum for the week that focuses on self-care. Seriously, they need it and it may help you reach those students you haven’t been able to connect with (lower the bar). The second thought is using this week to also better familiarize your students with the online tools available. Do they know how to connect? The final thought is finding out about what isn’t working. Do all your students have access to be online? If not, how can remote learning be modified? In other words, don’t spend a week continuing to push forward, but use it to reassess. In my book, that’s invaluable and gives you all a chance to reset.

    Please reach out. We’re all in this together and you are far from alone with being overwhelmed.

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts! And your ideas. So, the vast majority of my students have the technology they need to do the work, but I am only receiving it from a small handful, and you are so right about the social justice/equity side. It's horrific. And I feel like my students are disproportionately impacted (just because you have the internet or a laptop in your home doesn't mean there's anyone to help keep you focused or on task or that there aren't multiple other people who need to use it...and many of my parents either are working from home and stressed about their own situation, deemed essential and so working outside the home and stressed about their own situation, or lost their job and are stressed about their situation). I have managed to call all of my students (and did get a parent for the one I haven't successfully contacted yet), and some are brutally honest in the fact that they just aren't doing the work. I had several conversations this week that were fascinating with parents who thought their child was doing the work and who were actually being dishonest... which is unfortunately not surprising to me because we had many issues with work completion when I actually saw this group on a daily basis. So honestly it shouldn't be such a shock that it's continuing in a crisis where none of us feel like we have mental bandwidth to do all the things.

      So anyway, I am shifting the way I am providing materials this next week in hopes that I'll get more of a response, and I am getting delayed responses from some students who were hoodwinking their parents but thanks to phone calls from me are not being held more accountable, especially since it's clear we're not going back anytime soon even though the executive order only runs to 4/15 for now.

      I am totally doing your self-care thing and loading up some breathing exercises with visuals and easy Google Forms tasks with short video clips for next week. I'm hoping to do a google meet with everyone, as for my 12:1:1 social studies the teacher who has the rest of the program had success getting most of the kids virtually live, while only 3ish kids are sending in work on Google Classroom. So there's that. :)

      Thank you, and holy moses. What a learning curve. Good thing being a special education teacher means flexibility is part of my repertoire, at least instructionally (definitely not mentally for myself, ha ha ha).

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  2. Snort. Here in Colorado some districts took the opposite approach. Back when we thought it wasn't going to be too bad or too long, several districts just started spring break a week early -- an extension.

    Now we are all scrambling with the same things you mention. I'm kind of on as a teacher much of the time. I want to be that point of predictability and certainty for my students.

    This whole things has been, for me, an exercise in mindfulness and reprioritizing.

    Your last few lines are very very wise.

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    1. Oh man, that's interesting that Colorado went the other way (at least some of it). I'm with you, I can say I'm going to set boundaries and try to do an 8-3, but I responded to texts and emails and chats from students all day today because HOW CAN I NOT when they reach out??? Especially when I'm receiving stuff from students who didn't hand things in before...I feel like I have to jump on it and connect and be like you said -- a point of predictability and certainty.

      I go back and forth on feeling good and feeling utterly hot messy, but I'm starting to trend towards good more reliably when it comes to school. Yeesh. Good luck to you too!

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  3. Ughhh, that is rough! I'm so sorry to hear that - it feels unfair to both you and the kids to not get a break in the midst of all of this. It's another loss on top of so many other losses (both before and now).

    Hear you about all the changes and how things are coming in little 1-2 week waves. We're dealing with some of that too and it's emotionally so anxiety-producing and exhausting. You're very right about certainty being an illusion.

    Wishing you the best of luck with so many changes and hoping you're able to prioritize some self care as you adjust and get through all of this.

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  4. I am a little late, but just wanted to send you some (((hugs)))... I hope things have settled down a little more into a "new normal (?)" of sorts. This must be so hard all round for parents, teachers & kids, and I don't think anyone expects the same level of productivity as what would happen in the classroom under more normal circumstances. You're doing the best you can!

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  5. I agree with Loribeth since I am also late in commenting. I hope that you have found more of groove and have realized that this is 100% new for all of us. Things will not be perfect because this is new and everyone is stressed out from it as well.

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  6. I'm just catching up on some of your older posts. I'm sorry to hear how much you were struggling. I hope things are better now. Teachers and students definitely need a break too. This whole pandemic is stressful on so many people in different ways. I really hope you've been able to take some time to read some books guilt free- you definitely deserve it.

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