I cannot believe that it's been seven years since I was pregnant. It was such a brief, lovely time, and it's crazy to me that it's so far in the past, that seven years ago today I was pregnant and hadn't started bleeding yet, hadn't had a crash in my numbers, didn't know that it would be the LAST day I would ever be pregnant and thinking we had a whole hopeful future ahead of us.
I don't think about it a lot, but I saw a post today that reminded me -- unfortunately there are events that happened around both my ill-fated pregnancies (the ectopic was sandwiched between two friends' weddings), and the seemingly-normal uterine one ended right at the same time a colleague at the school where I was teaching suffered a horrible death while biking thanks to reckless and impaired drivers. I was enjoying a lazy summer day, probably eating some ginger chews, and I saw the awful news and thought how suddenly everything could be ripped out from under you, and then I couldn't go to the calling hours or funeral because I was on bed rest starting the very next day, haplessly trying to keep the inevitable from occurring.
Today is the anniversary, and this teacher's best friend put up a post with her picture and disbelief that it's been seven years, and it sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole.
I feel a little irrationally guilty feeling so sad about my own smaller scale personal tragedy that happened at the same time, but it's crazy to me that seven years ago I was so happy, and had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that everything would come crashing down in the course of a day. That I would never have that exact feeling of joy and anticipation like I did on July 29th, 2012... that I'd be looking back on the last day I was ever pregnant and optimistic about it from a life that would have been so foreign to the woman I was then.
When we were actively striving (and failing and failing and failing) to bring a child into our lives, this realization would have devastated me. I would have probably spent some time on the floor, crying, or staring at the space between my glasses and the wall, and it would have ruined my day.
Now I go down the rabbit hole, feel an edge of sadness to the day like the haze on the horizon when it's humid, and then look at where I am now and the wonderful life that we achieved despite not having children, acknowledge that I am sitting in a moment of grief, and continue on with my lazy summer day.
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Abiding with you as you feel all these feels that come from this day 7 years ago. The older I get, the more I think life is well-designed in giving us only a day at a time. If we knew what sad things were coming, we'd be unable to believe that other happy things would also come.
ReplyDeleteI am also abiding with you. 7 years doesn’t actually seem like it was that long ago. But then I think back to 2012, and I can barely remember it. I know it was a year of loss (February) but WOW does it seem like a lifetime ago.
ReplyDeleteI am so very glad you were able to acknowledge what it was and move on today, and not have it drag you down and ruin your day. (((Hugs)))
You know what? I'm glad that you had that day seven years ago, that you experienced that joy and anticipation. It was borne of love - for your baby, and your husband and your life you had hoped for. I'm very grateful for those brief days of hope I had before everything started going downhill. Remembering them might make me sad, but time has allowed me to feel self-compassion, and real love for those lost babies too. Feeling the feels, as LLL said. Sitting with you in this too.
ReplyDeleteI think of 2012 and i can't believe that was seven years ago. thinking of you today. That edge of sadness is all too familiar sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThose anniversaries kind of feel like time folds a little - it's both in the past and also a little present on that day too. I'm glad that you're able to both acknowledge the grief and also be in the beautiful life you've created.
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