Monday, June 10, 2019

#Microblog Mondays: That's What Fear Is

 Last Sunday, Bryce asked me to come out to see something in my garden, and so I put on my flip flops and went out, fully expecting the deer to have devoured something they shouldn't have. He kept looking at the sky, and when we rounded the corner to my garden, there was a redwing blackbird noisily squawking at us.

"There it is, watch it! It was flying back and forth in the trees when I was working at the mailbox!" (Our mailbox got taken out by the lawn guys, so they came back to fix it but the cement needed to cure overnight so the last bit was Bryce's to take care of.)

"Yeah...cool," I said, mostly thankful that the deer hadn't touched anything pretty.

I went to go back inside, and the bird squawked louder, and flew from tree to tree as I went down the driveway.

AND THEN THE DAMN THING STARTED DIVEBOMBING MY HEAD, and I completely freaked out and started to run. But it was that panicked, off-balance run where you can feel yourself tipping forward awkwardly and you just know... you're going DOWN.

I was out of sight from Bryce, and he thought I was laughing (I was crying and clutching my arm, which thankfully wasn't broken but was very, very bruised up), but then came to help me up as I sobbed in embarrassment, pain, and fear.

"It would have hurt less if you'd let the bird peck you!" he said.

True, true, but as it was coming a foot from my head, all I could see was it getting tangled in my hair, or landing on my glasses and pecking at my eyes, and everything was all Alfred Hitchcock inspired and I was certain they were all going to turn on me and I'd be a pile of shreds and feathers before anyone could stop the horror.

So I ran.

And Bryce tended to my wounds but then said, "that was a crazy reaction -- it was a little bird! That's so irrational." (Okay, Spock.)

That's where I said, "But THAT'S WHAT FEAR IS!" It's irrational, but no less scary! It's like freaking out at a tiny spider that can literally do you no harm, it's being afraid of swimming in the ocean even though you're more likely to get hit by lightning then munched on by a shark, it's being worried about killers getting in your house and so you double check all the windows and doors to make sure they're locked even when you have an alarm system... all of it has at least a little bit of irrational!"

And then I thought about all the times that I was afraid and I wasn't really in any danger, but it still felt terrifying. Exploring the resolution of living childfree not by choice was definitely one of them -- I was so afraid at the possibility of living a life without children that I was willing to throw myself facefirst on the driveway to avoid that flappy, screechy specter. I drove myself into the ground. It's easy to say now that it shouldn't have been so scary, because I know I'm okay now and I'm past the horribly-raw-howling-with-loss part, but to even ENTERTAIN the idea that I could stop the quest and start living life was every bit as scary as an attacking territorial bird swooping at my head. More so, probably. Like a shark with wings coming at me while I'm standing in a pit of spiders.

Fear is a good thing, to a point -- it's a survival skill and you can do some really dumb shit if you aren't afraid of anything. But that paralyzing, fall-on-your-face fear? While it is by definition irrational, it helps to reflect back on it and realize that some things aren't as scary in the rearview as you thought when they were flying at your head.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy! 

10 comments:

  1. This post is so very wise.

    I love the idea of taking something from those throw-down, face-first falls after fear. I tend to sort of shame-spiral, thinking that it was so silly to be afraid/react the way I did, so this is an amazing way of rethinking those reactions.

    And...yikes that bird! That sounds really terrifying - so glad that you're (mostly) alright after the fall. Hope the bruises heal quickly.

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    1. YES to the shame-spiral! I am a shame-spiral-er too, but to stop and rethink it makes a body feel less crazy. The bruises are almost gone, but I am definitely skittish around the birds now! They seem to be getting less squawky, maybe the babies are getting less vulnerable. What a crazy thing (although if you see below in Court's comment, it's not just me!).

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  2. Honestly I'd be scared if a bird started dive bombing towards my head also! I've heard of seagulls doing that but not so much blackbirds! Wonder if it thought you had something in your hair?

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    1. Right? Any bird swooping by my head is terrifying, like pigeons in the city or sea gulls like you said, but this one was ACTIVELY TARGETING my head! Ack! I think it was trying to get me away from its nest. Or maybe it wanted my hair for the nest, like a two-for-one deal? :)

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  3. This one just hit home.

    Fear is irrational and that is why it is fear. And I would have ran too if that bird was around. Good to know you are safe.

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    1. Thank you, I"m glad it hit home. And I'm glad I'm not alone in running from a bird much smaller (but also much sharper and faster) than myself! My bruises are finally faded!

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  4. Hi Jess, I haven't commented before, but have been following your journey and praying for your recovery from surgery. I just saw this pop up and had to send it your way so you know you are not alone!

    https://blockclubchicago.org/2019/06/11/natures-a-holes-are-back-red-winged-blackbirds-attacking-people-along-the-river-as-nesting-season-gets-underway/?fbclid=IwAR0nFhBsH6CMl438FLu5xjm3-zyyTiHu3MGLQ-dl67buCx472-Rvyy2-W5w

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    1. Thank you! I AM SO RELIEVED!!!! I felt like this was a total freak occurrence, and it is oddly comforting to know that redwing blackbird attacks are a thing. :) Thanks for commenting! I've recovered quite nicely, thank you!

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  5. Wow, this spoke to me. I remember the 'do we stop here' fear, and boy was it ugly and terrifying. By facing down that fear and it's relative 'childfree life', you've shown such incredible strength and bravery. I always worried that my fear outweighed my logic, and I think that's something else to consider a success as you look in that rear-view mirror.

    As for the birds. . . when we lived in CA, we actually had to put plastic grocery bags on our car's side view mirrors each night because there was a crazed robin in our yard who would endlessly peck at his own reflection in them, dirtying the mirror to the point it was unusable! I was terrified that some day he'd come after us inside of our cars' mirrors!

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    1. Oh noooo! That's crazy about the robin. Birds are so weird. My grandfather hated pigeons, and he bought those plastic owls to put on the roof, but the pigeons just roosted on the owls. Then he was driving us to the airport and a pigeon was flying in the road ahead, and he growled, "I'm going to get me a pigeon!" He hit the pigeon, but it took out the sideview mirror. And then flew away. :)

      Thank you for your thoughts on fear and logic, too -- it is scary to wonder if what you fear could possibly be worse than what you're experiencing, and to wonder if it ever could have worked out differently...but in that space of fear, what followed for me was FREEDOM. It was pushing past that fear that was so hard, but once it was behind me, I was so relieved.

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