Friday, December 8, 2017

Heartbroken

My phone rang just minutes ago, and it was an 800 number. I don't usually pick up unless I know who will be on the other end, but for some reason I thought maybe I should pick this call up.

Maybe it was because I just placed a whole boatload of Christmas shopping orders and I worried something was wrong.

Well, something WAS wrong, it just had nothing to do with the holiday purchases.

It was my contact at Snowflakes, who was calling with an unexpected update.

At first when she said that I thought that maybe the woman in the couple was unexpectedly, spontaneously pregnant, and I braced myself for this news, because that would be wonderful for them but I didn't know how I would feel about it.

I never in a million years expected that they decided to do a transfer and didn't call with an update until all was said and done (which I totally understand, my goodness the pressure of updating people on your cycle doings). And that when they went to thaw the 2PN embryos that were Bryce's sperm and donor eggs... NOT ONE OF THEM SURVIVED THAW.

None.

And just like that, the last dream of hope has died.

The hope that we held that our embryos could survive and become children to be raised by another family.

The hope that another uterus was the answer to our fertility woes.

The hope of any answer at all.

The hope for this couple, who was beyond sweet and we felt a strange long-distance kinship with and exchanged words of hope and condolences with over the past two years.

I feel like all my hard-won scar tissue has been ripped open and I'm raw and bleeding all over again.

I am devastated. I am devastated first for this couple, who took a chance on embryos that came from a couple who were unsuccessful at EVERYTHING related to family-building, who believed in our embryos and wanted to give them the chance we couldn't. I am devastated that NONE of our embryos worked for them. I can't imagine how it must feel (well, maybe I can, actually) to thaw 6 one-day embryos in hopes of maybe 2-3 survivors and be left with NONE, right before Christmas. To have fought for a transfer day over a period of years, and have it end with a fizzle.

I know what it's like to have an anticlimactic end to an era of cycles. I don't know what their plans are, but if they continue on they'll need to match up with another family looking to place their embryos and go through all this all over again, or start a brand new process, or make peace with a life without children. But to have things end with this loss of all hope instilled in those 6 tiny cells... how awful.

And of course I am heartbroken for us. There were no second chances. There won't be a strange, grafted family tree. We won't get to see any of our genetics play out in other children raised halfway across the country. That dream is dead. The hope that some part of us could live on and we could have some kind of relationship in the future is dead. And for the love of all that's holy, we couldn't catch a break with ANYTHING?

I am also heartbroken because I feel somehow responsible for this couple's misfortune, for their grief. I know it's not logical. I know that they chose us knowing that our material was "unproven." But we still feel like we set them up for failure somehow. That anything related to us and our journey was somehow tainted by whatever dark and noxious cloud sat on everything reproductive for us.

The odd thing is that yesterday I was unbearably sad. I can't explain it. I literally just felt like curling up in a ball and pretending to hibernate. I told Bryce I felt like a pillbug (or a roly-poly, or an armadilla bug, depends on where you're from). I just sat in my chair downstairs and cried silent tears. I sincerely wonder if the thaw failed yesterday. If somehow I knew that something was not quite right in the universe, that there was something to cry for, something big to mourn. I chalked it up to the holiday blues, but now I wonder if it was some sort of in-tune-with-the-cosmos mourning.

There's just so many layers to this loss.

25 comments:

  1. I don’t have any answers or any idea why such amazingly wonderful people have to go through such shitty things over and over. Unfair doesn’t begin to cover it.
    I do very much believe you were in tune with the cosmos. I am sending you and Bryce so much love tonight.

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    1. Thanks, Charlotte. Me either. It turns out the thaw date was 11/29, so I wasn't totally in tune with the universe, but maybe in some way I was. Thank you for the love. So sucky.

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  2. Oh God I’m so sorry. Like Charlotte I just don’t understand why awful things have to happen to good people again and again. I know you will rise again but this is so hard. You tried so hard to do the right thing and do it with optimism! I’m sorry the universe keeps kicking you. I hope better daycare on their way. Many hugs to you and Bryce.

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    1. Thank you so much. I don't get it either, but so it goes. Thank you for the hugs... at some point the kicking has to stop, I would hope, right? I wish it didn't feel like we dragged someone else into our Universal Bullying situation.

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  3. I’m so sorry Jess. I’m completely devastated for all of you. Wrapping you in love today

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    1. Thank you so much, it sucks so much. For everyone.

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  4. Oh Jess! I am so sorry! Sending love and hugs your way!

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    1. Thank you so much, love and hugs are very much appreciated.

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  5. I can feel along with you all the pains of this news, especially when you are so far along on your healing path. I totally get the roly-poly premonition you had.

    I'm abiding with you. And with the other couple, whoever they are.

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    1. Thank you so much. It's awful on so many levels. For everyone. Especially the other couple -- they are in the thick of it.

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  6. I am sorry for the loss, yours and theirs. My thoughts are with you all.

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  7. I am so, so sorry. I wish there was something better to say. Sending thoughts to all of you and a hug.

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    1. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Those words are perfect.

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  8. You have such a caring heart. It was such a brave thing you did to donate in the first place, then to know you were opening yourself up for more emotions either way. I'm sorry it didn't go the way you'd hoped, and I hope you find the same peace and closure you have been finding in the rest of your journey.

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    1. Thank you so much. It felt like a hopeful thing, and weirdly a selfish thing, but in the end it just caused more pain for everyone involved. I mean, we tried to give possibilities to our little embryos, and they got another chance, but now we're left with questions...was it bad luck? the clinic? the number of times the embryos traveled before thaw? So strange that so many didn't make it when we never had that issue, but then again at the end if there was an issue we had it, so there's that. It is weird to think there's a closure here. That 2017 saw the end of everything, and the beginning of a new existence. Thank you for your words!

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  9. Jess, I'm so sorry for yet another loss. You have suffered through so much. I am holding you and Bryce in my heart and mind...love you...

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    1. Thank you...this time the suffering was shared with others, and the hopes were shared with others, and it all went wrong. Again. Thanks for the love!

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  10. You're right, there are so many layers to this. You'd kept open that tiny bit of hope for a relationship with a child, and now it has been closed. And I know that when that last bit of hope, however small, however remote, is gone, then there really is another loss. Sending you hugs.

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    1. Thank you -- that's it exactly. It opened up the other losses, and was a new finality all its own. Thank you for the hugs!

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  11. I am so sorry, Jess, for all of you. :( Sending (((hugs))).

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    1. Thank you so much, I appreciate it, and I'm sure through the airwaves/ether the other couple does, too. Hugs are so appreciated.

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  12. I'm so far behind in blog reading that I apologize for my late comment. Jess, I'm so sorry for both you and Bryce and the other couple that your embryos didn't survive the thaw. You had a bit of hope that someone else could carry the embryos and it's devastating that the hope is gone. I don't have any words to make you feel better and frankly, maybe there are no words? Just know that we are all thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way.

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  13. I am so incredibly sorry. What awful awful awful news. Holding you in my heart right now.

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  14. I'm sorry to hear your news. A very sorrowful day with such finality. Heavy heart for you and Bryce.

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