Today was a weird day. I went for my yearly uterus check, which is crazy because that means it's been a whole year since I've had my melonballer procedure (more accurately known as endomyometrial resection), and almost a year since I've had any form of period. A trend I hope continues indefinitely.
At my check, I asked if the doctor could also check out my ovaries, you know, because I have a (somewhat) irrational fear that all the hormones I subjected myself to to no avail are going to try to kill me via ovarian or breast cancer. Ovarian cancer is particularly scary to me because it can be asymptomatic for a while and then BAM, bad news.
Good news -- I don't have ovarian cancer.
Also good news -- I can take care of all my gynecological exam needs at my specialist's office, which means that next year I can get my uterus (and ovaries) checked AND get a pap smear/chat about impending menopause. And there won't be any pregnant people milling about (sorry pregnant people but that's a plus for me), AND no one will EVER ask me if I could be pregnant. Everyone there knows that's impossible.
Then I went and had a lovely facial -- I decided to start doing fancy things for my skin in October, and this is my second facial at the same place where I get massages. The first time was lovely, and even though the aesthetician (never know if I spell that right) was pregnant, it wasn't awkward. Well, she's way more pregnant now and it came up EVERY FIVE MINUTES of the hour, no joke. I look forward to when she is no longer pregnant. I think the low part of the chatting was when she told me that she specifically timed this pregnancy to fall around the holidays so that she wouldn't have to do too much and would get out of hanging lights and whatnot, which was funny but also HOW NICE TO BE ABLE TO PLAN THAT KIND OF THING...she's in her early 20s though so maybe it's easier then for most people. Yeesh. My skin is very soft though, and she is actually very nice despite being all about the belly right now.
Anyway. I am feeling less brutally sad about the demise of our final embryos (and I wasn't in tune with the universe, the thaw date was 11/29, because I had to ask, but I can pretend that the news traveled to me early or something, right?), and steeling myself to write the card to the couple to respond to the incredibly heartfelt words of sorrow that they sent to us through Snowflakes. Words that made me cry, as we'll never share an odd sort of family together, but I loved how they said that we'd always be part of their story. How do you write a card that is both condolence and encouraging, I'm sorry for your loss and our loss and all the loss, period? I guess I'll find out. It's definitely still weird to think that this whole chapter of our life is totally over.
Huh. This is somewhat of a WHOMP WHOMP downer update, but some of them are just like that. I hope that the holiday season is kind to you!
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Very good news from your yearly exam. And more good news that you can do all your check-ups there instead of having to bear the OB/GYN. Also good about the facial. I’m glad you are treating yourself.
ReplyDeleteStill holding you in my heart over those final embryos.
So good, right? In the midst of sadness and a crap sandwich, there's some good stuff. Anything that makes that yearly thing more pleasant is good for me! And I love having butterskin. I don't know how they get my chin so soft (or what happened that made my chin texture rougher over the years), but it is so lovely!
DeleteI'm glad to hear you're in good health, and have the wisdom to do something nice for yourself in the face of such sad news re. the embryos. My heart is with you as you traverse the holiday season in spite of the sorrow and the pain. December can be particularly difficult - facing loss while the rest of the world rejoices is not easy. Love you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, December is definitely difficult for so many people, for so many reasons...yourself included. If there's one thing I learned from the whole infertility experience, it is that self care is incredibly important!
DeleteFor some reason, I like thinking of the connection between you and the intended parents of your embryos via letters. It's beautiful that amid their heartache, they reached out to you as others who were also profoundly affected. I know you have a way with words and will find perfect ones to write back.
ReplyDeleteIt is nice, right? In some weird way I hope that there can be some kind of connection there, although it's all been through the agency. We've exchanged words before, and it was comforting in some way, strengthened a sense of a thread holding us together across the country. I think tomorrow is card-writing day, I feel like I can do it now. It is a beautiful connection.
DeleteThat's one of the things that I love about your blog - you're honest, even if the truth is painful. Sending loads and loads of holiday cheer to you and hubby. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you! There's definitely not any "life is always amazing" facade going on here... :) Thank you for the hugs and the holiday cheer. Same back to you!
DeleteUgh, I worry about ovarian cancer too. One plus about being involved with a fertility clinic was I got lots of peeks on there. Not for that purpose but it’s been reassuring that if anything was amiss it was likely to be noticed. Glad you have a clean bill of health and you can look forward to peaceful monitoring of you lady parts. I’ve enjoyed seeing your Christmas decor updates. Not a sniff of Christmas around here: it looks like the perpetual season of chaos you’d expect from 3 people getting sick in tandem.
ReplyDeleteRight? I feel like I can come up with a new possible way to die every time I'm cleared for one, but it is comforting to know that there are periodic checks. Most women don't get those, so there's a silver lining. I hope you are feeling better! A little more holiday spirit in our house every day. Still no tree though...we may have missed the boat on that one this year. :(
DeleteSometimes the best updates are the Whomp Whomp type ones!
ReplyDeleteA facial sounds lovely. Practicing self-care is so important, and I feel like as women we always put ourselves at the bottom of the to-do list. So good for you for taking some time to do that!
That is a hard card to try and write, but like Lori said, you have a way with words, so I have no doubt you found a way to say what most would find impossible.
That's good news that you can go to the specialist now and have less awkwardness/triggers. I worry about ovarian cancer too! That and pancreas cancer is another one that has few symptoms but if you get it it's normally advanced and bad news. I'm glad you found a nice beauty place for massages and facials. I stopped going to the place I was going to as the lady kept commenting on things. For instance asking if I had gained weight! (I think it was mid IVF cycle when I was super bloated and a little heavier & sensitive) and another time commenting on my acne breakout. Sorry about all the pregnancy talk from your girl though. People need to be more aware of their audience and find topics that are interesting for both parties! I find asking about holidays is normally a safe and fun topic.
ReplyDeleteAgreed with dubliner's comment on the person that did your facial- I assume you weren't jumping at the chance to talk about her pregnancy every 5 minutes so why bring it up all the time? Plus during a facial the point is to relax so maybe she should have stopped talking!
ReplyDeleteYes, now I don't get smears (as I don't have a cervix anymore) I do worry about ovarian cancer. Though to be fair, not as much as I worry about two other types of cancer! (Yes, I'm a worry wart!)
ReplyDeleteAs for the woman giving you your facial, what is she doing talking to you? Any facial I've ever had (in many different salons and different countries) has involved the person giving it only speaking very softly about what they are doing, and then they have just continued in blissful silence. I'd dump her, or just say you'd like your facial in silence.
I recently had my very perfunctory three-yearly PAP smear appointment (free here) and asked the doctor how I could go about having an annual gynaecological check appointment (womb & ovaries etc, in light of having endo and also high-dose ivf etc). I explained how I wanted an annual check "the way that women in the States do it every year". The doctor expressed surprise and asked if I had symptoms or unusual bleeding. I said no, I'm talking about a preventative, self-advocating-type gynae check-up. She replied "Oh, Irish ladies don't really do that. I have Spanish patients who like to have appointments when they don't even have anything wrong with them! Ha ha. But just keep an eye out and if you have any strange bleeding make an appointment with us". So, as she said, it isn't something people do here in Ireland and I can't find any clinic that will take me annually without me getting a referral letter from a GP (€65) or a well-woman clinic (€150) EVERY time. I'm bloody incandescent about it, this country is f*cking stupid.
ReplyDeleteBut good post Jess!!