Monday, October 24, 2016
#Microblog Mondays: Different Time, Same Old Place
Remember back to November 2014, when I wrote about the house that we saw on a whim, that was absolutely perfect for us (well, except for being a tad over our budget and having a pool and being over 3000 square feet which is a LOT of house)--but we couldn't buy it because we were living in uncertainty, doing our tenth cycle (which would be canceled the week my grandmother passed away), and we just felt the timing wasn't right?
If it came up for sale again, which we were sure it wouldn't anytime soon (because it was GORGEOUS and had a great location), we would be in a different place and maybe then we could buy it, because it truly was The House That Got Away. The house where I could see us doing Christmas in the living room and having people over for dinner in the open kitchen dining area and hosting book club in the family room out back, but that (like SO MUCH ELSE) just wasn't timed right.
We went to get pumpkins on Sunday after lunch, and drove past the very same house, and I just about caused an accident when I saw that it had an OPEN HOUSE TODAY sign out front.
What choice did we have? We walked through it, quite possibly the most depressed potential (and yet not at all potential) homebuyers the real estate agent had seen that day (possibly ever). We noticed where the new owners painted the bedrooms neat colors, where their daughter's room had blackboard paint in the dormer that read, "Olivia is da bomb!" and "I want to live in a world where normal is an insult," and her walk-in closet held a Griffyndor scarf by the hideaway window. Like the only child who lived there was even the one who got away, in a weird moment of irrational thought.
The house is slightly different, and something bad's happened where they have to move -- some kind of downsizing not quite two years after they bought it, some kind of personal tragedy or rift. A lot can happen in two years.
Unless you're us. Unless you are walking through the SAME HOUSE you walked through two years ago, seeing how time has changed and things have shifted FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU.
Because for us, really, nothing has changed -- we still live in uncertainty. We still have to keep the money that we might be able to use as a down payment at the ready in case we get that call. We are still hoping and waiting and trying not to feel so incredibly STATIONARY, so put on pause while everyone else seems to go on living their lives.
It put me in a funk. I had to buy something like 14 pumpkins, grief pumpkins, to help cheer me up and even then I was in a "What is going ON? Why do we always get the cosmic FINGER?" mood.
There are perfectly good reasons why we won't buy this house. If we bought it, we'd have to get ours ready for sale (and it is not ready whatsoever), we'd have to redo our home study for a new house, and we'd be strapping ourselves financially at the worst possible time. We'd be putting the length of my maternity leave at risk. We'd be putting our ability to take any call that comes at risk. And Bryce hates pools.
And I have to say that walking through the house again didn't quite have the same giddy "this is totally OUR HOUSE" feel it did the first time. Maybe because it felt a little used, a little tainted by the quick turnaround. Maybe because we've accepted that we are in a place of stasis and we were just torturing ourselves, going through the house that we knew we ultimately can't make ours.
Living like this just reminds us how far infertility reaches, how long we've lived in this hideous limbo, and how very different absolutely EVERYTHING would be had we been able to have a child without quite so much effort.
Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!