Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, August 29, 2016

#Microblog Mondays: Funked Up Day

I have been in a pervasive funk.

Possibly it's related and exasperated by the end of summer (I spent 4/5 days last week in one classroom or the other, and have two parent meetings this week, and just never feel truly ready no matter how much early prep time I put in), but I think I know what it really is.

I am feeling very sorry for myself, and it was kicked off by an IVF emergency suffered by someone I know yesterday. It's been so long since I've been in those shoes, but not really all that long. Her estrogen dropped inexplicably over the weekend, and she needed to have it rechecked Monday, knowing that if it truly had dropped then things were in trouble. I am not close enough friends with this person to feel like I can offer advice in any way (and really, who am I to offer IVF advice when I so completely failed at it?), but there were some things that bothered me, and I don't feel empowered to voice any concerns because I don't really know her all that well and I don't really like the clinic she goes to for a variety of reasons. The nurse told her that they'd never seen anything like that before (I know so many people who had an estrogen crash), then the doctor said that he WILL save this cycle, no matter what! Um, if your estrogen truly crashed, that pretty much trashes your egg quality if you can even get to a retrieval, and I hate when doctors promise things they can't truly deliver on.

Well, it turns out that it must have been an error or a weird thing, because today's bloods revealed normal values. Here is where I feel like a horrible person. I am happy that her cycle wasn't trashed, truly I am. They are tight financially and that would be disastrous for them. But for me, all I could think of was, WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE EVER BEEN AN ERROR FOR ME? Why was every single thing that was questionable a freaking tragedy? How many times did I have my bloods redone to check that the estrogen drop was truly that crazy, or that the HCG drop was truly that crazy, and never ever ever gotten a reprieve, a WHOOPS, those numbers were a mistake?

Never, that's how many times.

And it makes me sad. It makes me sad that the medical part of our journey was so filled with one weird thing after another, one wrong turn after another, until we were forced to be like, NO MAS.

I guess I am wary of doctors that overpromise, even if in times they do make good on fantastic claims. And I feel glad that others don't have my series of unfortunate events, but it would sure be nice if WE could have something come through, somewhere, in this quest to have a child. I feel increasingly stagnant in adoption and like others around me are adopting and having more success with having opportunities, and so I'm just down.

I'm afraid I'm always going to be on the outs in this arena.

I'm afraid of not getting the chance to be a mom. That would turn out okay if that was the case, but I'll have to reframe my whole idea of the next couple decades. I won't get to say "not yet" when prying eyes ask if we have kids, because the answer will just be unequivocally NO, not EVER.

Oh, and after writing this draft, running out of time to finish and heading out to book club (after dropping a favorite crockery bowl and shattering it), someone announced a surprise third pregnancy while I tried to concentrate real hard at the salad dressing label to make sure it was gluten free and I could eat it...so no one could see me trying so hard not to tear up.

Such a funky, funked up day.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!

16 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you are in a funk. Not an easy way to head into the school year. I'm sorry you had many weird things happen on your journey as you were trying to get PG. Not fair. No fun to have reminders either, nor to feel left out. Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. There are days where you wish you didn't get out of day. This sounds like it was one of them. I'm sorry that this was a trigger. That on top of the emotions you're dealing with regarding adoption and the start of another school year, you are also reliving trauma from treatment. And that surprise pregnancy announcement is enough to make anyone drink (seriously, I'm groaning over here).

    There's no doubt that the adoption process is an insane one, mainly due to the waiting period. I'm so sorry that you're still in limbo and I wish I could say something to make it better. Here sending you hugs, love and many good thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Big (((Hugs))) for you Jess. Those are the kinds of days where all I want to do is climb in bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the funk away. I pray that you wake up with your heart a little lighter and that today is better than yesterday.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can feel those hot tears at book club with you. I can completely understand why any one of these things might make you sad, let alone all of them.

    {{{{Jess}}}}

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so sorry you are in a funk. It is unfair that you never got that "reprieve." It's helpful to compromise and reframe and reprioritize and attitude-adjust but it's also true that most (all?) of us also expect life to JUST GIVE US A BREAK sometimes. Whether we think the break comes from some benevolent deity or the random forces of the universe, we still want it. (For me, it's half or more of the whole "strategy".) And yes, one never feels totally ready for the school year. I have to play sort of a game with myself to not become over anxious about it: what I can do and what I can let go in order to feel relaxed enough to function in the moment. I know we are both experienced and skilled and informed enough to roll with it. Oh, and you would approve of my fertility doctor, she never over promises and always gives the worst odds lol. Anyway, no real advice here; looking forward to reading good news when you have it, accepting the sucky part when that's the reality.

    ReplyDelete
  6. While my funked up days have a different narrative, it still sounds like the same story. I hope you're not too hard on yourself for feeling this way (which is how mine usually goes - I feel awful, then I feel more awful with myself for feeling awful). I try to remember to allow myself to ache, then look for some distraction until it passes. I hope things (in every positive way possible) turn around for you soon. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oooof, that sounds like a terribly rough day. It's hard when so many things hit the sore spots all at once. It's truly unfair that you've gotten served up so many rough situations in trying to become parents and I'm so sorry that you're still in limbo on things. Sending thoughts and a hug.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh hon, that sucks, all around. I find it really hard to get out of the never mindset once I enter it. Because when you're in a hole it feels so hard to climb out. And then the universe magically gives you its hand and drags you out and you think, "Why did I ever say it would be never?" And yet, even knowing that, you go through the same thing the next time you're in the pit. I am very familiar with this loop :-( All I can say is that I hope the hand reaches in and drags you out soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh thank you. I hope for that hand, but just felt like I'm always passed over and I can't quite tell why. It IS a shitty loop.

      Delete
  9. Yeah that's definitely a funked up day. I'm so sorry. I hate when so many bad things happen all at once, because I can never work through it as well as if it was one thing at a time. Sending you hugs, my dear.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I hope writing about the funked up times help ease. I hope . . I hope for. . . you.

    Hugsm

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh boy, that is a real bitch of a day. Certainly, it's deeply unfair that you did all these things and the treatments failed you (not the other way around) and there's only the hope that it won't always be like this. It's hard to be patient with the adoption process and maintain optimism when you've already been pummeled with so much disappointment. I am holding out hope for you that even this can't last and that you'll eventually step into those mommy-shoes. ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, yes to that distinction. I can always tell where my headspace is by how I frame that failure. :)

      Delete
  12. THank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement. The day had everything to do with my thoughts triggered by all these things (also yesterday morning I got news that a friend is adopting her second baby, also great news but I was like SERIOUSLY? IS EVERYONE SEEING PROGRESS BUT ME?) and very little to do with any of the people who announced or had difficulty that turned out fine or whatever. By yesterday afternoon I was in much better head space, probably because I spent all day in school, too busy to perseverate on anything. I thank you so much for your understanding...it helped me not to feel like such a horrible person for feeling so sad and on the outs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am glad you are feeling in a better head space now. But how you felt that day was totally normal and there's no way you are a horrible person - so never think that! :). I also have moments where I hear a pregnancy announcement of someone's third child and my first thought is "oh come on, really? why can't I just get one?!" but I don't feel anger at that person it's more frustration at the situation. It sounds like you just had a load of triggers at once.

      Delete
  13. There are days when odds just feel so...stacked. Know that we're thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete