Happy Places

I am finally out of the funk from Monday, although it really went from Sunday night through Tuesday morning. An eight-and-a-half hour day at school (unpaid, school doesn't start until next week) sure did help to get me out of my funk. I think sometimes the end of summer is tough because while I'm prepping for a new year, I've also had a lot of time to think on our circumstance without a ton of distractions. I think I'm happier when I have less time to think on infertility and adoption. Of course going back in has resulted in a ton of onesie-twosie interactions with people I haven't seen since June, anxious for an update. I can't actually do this, but part of me is like, "MY PRESENCE HERE IS AN UPDATE." That's not fair, because they are only trying to be supportive and cheer us on, but I had so hoped not to be starting this year. And updates can come without me being gone, so I am grateful for that weird blind profile that turned into an inactive case because it means there WAS some kind of movement over the summer. I at least have SOMETHING to report. It's just hard to see the fallen faces or people wondering how we live like this. It's a great question.

So, how we live like this is in three stages -- FUNKYTOWN, TOO BUSY TO THINK TOO MUCH ON IT, and SUPER OPTIMISTIC HAPPY PLACE.

Funkytown is like how Monday was -- everything seems dismal, the dark pit is hiding under a scant layer of dead leaves waiting to swallow me up, and everything seems impossible and never, never, never.

Too Busy To Think Too Much On It is where we lie most of the year (well, Bryce lives here most of the time). When I am teaching and in the middle of the beautiful chaos that is the school year, I have WAAYYYY too much to do to dedicate too much thought to our limbo. It comes up, especially when triggers arise, but generally I am so immersed in other people's lives to really have deep thinking time on my own. Because it's great to be reflective, but deep thinking time and really making connections between all the things that can trigger moments from infertility or adoption angst can put me in that loop that isn't so healthy. It's not healthy to swallow it all down and concentrate outwardly all the time either, but when I'm busy there's a little more balance.

Super Optimistic Happy Place is sort of a rarity lately, but it exists. It's usually when we are being profiled, or we've received some kind of encouraging news. Or it's when we're in the Fuckit mode, and we just go on vacation or do something crazy BECAUSE WE CAN. And "crazy" means going away for a short vacation, or having a fancy dinner with fancy appetizers and fancy wine at 10:00 at night, because NO ONE ELSE LIVES HERE. It's reveling in our just-us existence instead of bemoaning it. It's feeling like adoption could take place any moment. I wish this feeling came more often than it has, but it's important to either note it or find ways to make it happen.

Things that qualify as Happy Places:

The scallop appetizer Bryce made us at 8:30 at night on a summer Saturday when the main course was a deliciously crispy and tender duck breast. That's rose champagne, because I wanted pink champagne. Why not.

Out to dinner at one of our favorite spots that has Sin Bins -- used to be private whoring rooms but now are tiny dining rooms for 2-4 people to enjoy. Then we can be as crass as we want, ha ha.

Beautiful Maine moments. This one from the shore of Wolfe's Neck State Park in Freeport.

Quiet moments in the woods (this is also Wolfe's Neck), just enjoying the awesome beauty of nature.

A stack of great books. These were the ones I bought while on vacation. I have a problem.

My favorite at-home reading space, on my chaise lounge in the backyard.

Finding beautiful reading spots on vacation. (This is a different book, and that swimming hole is full of tadpoles.)

Having my reading buddy around. He's not really helping the reading cause (this one's Amy Schumer's book), but he's so darn cute you can't help but be happy near him. Also, that empty tub of Trader Joe's Fruit Jellies are (were) a happy place.

Apparently my happy places are food, nature, and book-related. I've found them again, and it's good to have them at my disposal. Because sometimes it feels like life just chews you up and spits you out and you somehow miss out on things you thought were a given in life, and so the funky days will always be there. But as long as the happiness-making places and moments are still accessible and effective, it will be okay in the end. No matter what.