Near Misses

I hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason." HATE IT. It seems such a glib response to what is usually something inexplicable -- and there are so many things that I cannot comprehend a good reason for. So many things. 

I personally don't believe that our lives are mapped out for us, that there's a pre-ordained plan that we are living out, that our choices are ultimately not choices at all but delivering us along the line we were always going to be on, no matter what. No thread snipped by a Fate at a preordained time, no one pulling the strings. 

I sort of believe in marbles. I think people are like these pretty glass marbles, all unique but with some similarities, bumping about in the cosmos. Your marble might be shot in one direction, and you might hit any number of other marbles, but hitting one marble sends you off in one direction, until you hit another marble, and it keeps going in a kind of organized chaos of sorts. There's some kind of benevolent force out there holding the marbles together, and you don't have total control over the path your marble will take but each marble you hit leads you to where you are today, and where you end up...if that makes ANY sense at all.

But, occasionally, it does seem like there's a swerve of the path, a hop over a bump, something that prevents a close call, something that skirts you away from a particular marble. 

Apparently, we've had a few of these, the first one in February, disguised as a particularly disappointing profile opportunity where we were ALMOST chosen but not quite. 

When we had our homestudy update, we talked through our profile opportunities, our decision making processes and how we dealt with either not being chosen or choosing not to be put in the hat. We mentioned the super disappointing one, gave a few details, and then saw our social worker's eyes go wide. She was silent for a moment, and then solemnly said, "Be very, very glad you were NOT chosen for that situation." 

Well. I can't share much, but basically it was a situation where during the 30 day revocation period things got contentious and went to court and turned into a bit of a legal battle and while the adopting couple did have the placement stand and are parenting the baby, it was a horrible situation. And will probably continue to color the experience, and the relationship with the birth mother, and will be one heck of a thing to explain to a child. I felt horrible for everyone, EVERYONE involved in this circumstance. 

When we had received the profile opportunity, we were a little concerned because it seemed like from all the information that the expectant mother had tried to make things work and then shortly before her due date made the decision to place for adoption, and we feared a change of heart. 

I guess our intuition was spot on, although we did hope that we would have been chosen at the time, MAN am I glad that we missed that situation. I don't know how I would have done. I know this is a possibility with adoption, but I hope it doesn't happen when we are matched on day. Because I found this case (admittedly missing a ton of information that was privileged) tragic, for everyone but especially the birth mother, because she changed her mind later and fought so hard and lost, and maybe she wasn't ready to sign the surrenders but felt she had no choice until it was too late. I am extrapolating all over the place because I know so little (as I should not being a player in this situation), but holy moly what a MESS. 

A messy convoluted marble strike, averted. 

Then, when we were providing additional information for the homestudy update that was forgotten in our meeting, it was mentioned that we had been in the running for a last-minute situation that fell through before we even knew about it. Apparently the agency called our homestudy social worker to see if she could expedite the report because of a possible last-minute opportunity, but then called back shortly thereafter to say that the situation had fallen through (no reason given). It was given to us as a crumb of sorts, proof that although we don't always hear from the agency, they are always trying to match us with a potential birth mother for our child. 

That one was so interesting -- I mean, the marble barely came close enough to graze ours, but we never ever heard about it. 

It got me wondering...how many times has this happened? How many times have there been "almost" profile opportunities that never made it to any kind of decision call? Is it sort of like how you don't hear about all the terrorist attack plans on the U.S. that have been averted, because it would totally freak you out to know how many there were that were near misses? Or does it give you more confidence in our national security forces to know that a zillion horrible things that COULD have happened, didn't? 

I feel like for me, I would love to know how often something like that has occurred...because it would make me feel not sad for all the missed opportunities that never became a baby for us, but glad that our agency is working tirelessly to find situations that we are a good match for, and even if they don't get to the profile opportunity or blind profile stage, we were considered a boatload of times. I think that would feel pretty awesome, actually. 

I am trying to figure out how to ask about that without blowing in our social worker, in case she wasn't supposed to share that information with us. I mean, there was no sensitive information involved, so I can't see why that would be verboten, but you just never know. Because I would love to know how often our marble has been in play, narrowly missing all these other marbles, slowly leading us to the one that will allow us to parent our FutureBaby...some day.