Monday, March 21, 2016
#Microblog Mondays: Saying No
Up until this past week, we have said yes to every profile opportunity that we have been presented with. We have yet to be "yes'd" in return, but every call gets us a little closer.
Friday, we received another profile call -- we've had three in three months, which I'm pretty darn excited about.
However, this call was...COMPLICATED. It was not a call-Bryce-and-formalize-that-we'll-say-yes. It was the first time that we didn't call back with a decision on the first day, the first time that we needed more time to deliberate and think and get back to them first thing Monday morning.
The thing is, with adoption, as much as you have to be prepared to say yes...you need to be prepared to say no, too. You need to know what you are prepared for and what situations just don't seem right for you.
I have a friend who once seemed indignant that we would get to choose, that there could be situations that we'd say no to. I'm not sure why that would be -- we are not in adoption to be saviors, and quite frankly, if we'd been able to conceive and carry, we would have had choices as well. For instance, I was on an asthma medication that was Pregnancy Category C, and my doctor decided it was worth slightly less effectiveness to switch to a Pregnancy Category B medication. I didn't smoke or drink when briefly pregnant. I knew a lot of information about all the players in my pregnancies.
I am not in any way judging the women who decide to place -- but as our agency put it, it is rare to place a baby for adoption when you are in the best of circumstances. Many expectant mothers smoke. Many are in need of medication that isn't exactly ideal for pregnancy. Many do not reveal information about the biological father and/or have an expectant father who wants nothing to do with the situation, now or ever. These are all things that we accept.
However, when a situation has a level of severity and multiple factors that we are okay with on their own or in conjunction with maybe one or two others, but compounded? You have to pause. You can't say yes to a profile opportunity to be nice -- this is your life. And in your life, the decisions of others impact your lifelong reality.
It does feel incredibly icky. I did not relish calling this morning to say that there were just too many factors to make us feel comfortable with the situation. I was incredibly grateful that they did not make me feel bad or question our decision, and the way that I presented it was well-received. I felt badly and a little selfish, like we have this amazing home environment and maybe we should have said yes because we could provide excellent future outcomes for a baby exposed to all the things involved in this opportunity...but those outcomes could still be poor and there were just so many risk factors involved that again, we can't say yes because we feel bad. We have a lifetime for us, for the baby, and for the birth parents to consider.
How does it feel to say no? Crappy. But also good in a way, because we have a great decision-making process to go through these tough decisions and make the best possible for us, for our future family...and hope that another opportunity comes our way that works all the way around. It's scary to say no and then wonder when the next call might come...but you can't say yes just to get something in motion. It is complicated, and difficult, but so important to be able to say no. And to keep the hope that yes is right around the corner.
Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? here and enjoy!