Monday, March 21, 2016

#Microblog Mondays: Saying No

Up until this past week, we have said yes to every profile opportunity that we have been presented with. We have yet to be "yes'd" in return, but every call gets us a little closer.

Friday, we received another profile call -- we've had three in three months, which I'm pretty darn excited about.

However, this call was...COMPLICATED. It was not a call-Bryce-and-formalize-that-we'll-say-yes. It was the first time that we didn't call back with a decision on the first day, the first time that we needed more time to deliberate and think and get back to them first thing Monday morning.

The thing is, with adoption, as much as you have to be prepared to say need to be prepared to say no, too. You need to know what you are prepared for and what situations just don't seem right for you.

I have a friend who once seemed indignant that we would get to choose, that there could be situations that we'd say no to. I'm not sure why that would be -- we are not in adoption to be saviors, and quite frankly, if we'd been able to conceive and carry, we would have had choices as well. For instance, I was on an asthma medication that was Pregnancy Category C, and my doctor decided it was worth slightly less effectiveness to switch to a Pregnancy Category B medication. I didn't smoke or drink when briefly pregnant. I knew a lot of information about all the players in my pregnancies.

I am not in any way judging the women who decide to place -- but as our agency put it, it is rare to place a baby for adoption when you are in the best of circumstances. Many expectant mothers smoke. Many are in need of medication that isn't exactly ideal for pregnancy. Many do not reveal information about the biological father and/or have an expectant father who wants nothing to do with the situation, now or ever. These are all things that we accept.

However, when a situation has a level of severity and multiple factors that we are okay with on their own or in conjunction with maybe one or two others, but compounded? You have to pause. You can't say yes to a profile opportunity to be nice -- this is your life. And in your life, the decisions of others impact your lifelong reality.

It does feel incredibly icky. I did not relish calling this morning to say that there were just too many factors to make us feel comfortable with the situation. I was incredibly grateful that they did not make me feel bad or question our decision, and the way that I presented it was well-received. I felt badly and a little selfish, like we have this amazing home environment and maybe we should have said yes because we could provide excellent future outcomes for a baby exposed to all the things involved in this opportunity...but those outcomes could still be poor and there were just so many risk factors involved that again, we can't say yes because we feel bad. We have a lifetime for us, for the baby, and for the birth parents to consider.

How does it feel to say no? Crappy. But also good in a way, because we have a great decision-making process to go through these tough decisions and make the best possible for us, for our future family...and hope that another opportunity comes our way that works all the way around. It's scary to say no and then wonder when the next call might come...but you can't say yes just to get something in motion. It is complicated, and difficult, but so important to be able to say no. And to keep the hope that yes is right around the corner.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? here and enjoy!


  1. That last paragraph is perfect. Whenever you doubt yourself, return to that paragraph.

  2. There is this strange assumption that if one is adopting, they should be grateful for any opportunity to adopt that is presented to them. Interesting, the people who hold fast to this assumption are also the ones who have zero experience with adoption and will likely never find themselves in these situations.

    I'm so sorry you had to encounter a case where you had to say no. But I'm also glad you exercised your ability to say no after assess the situation. It's sad that there is a child who will be born with some many potential complications and my hope is the birth mother will be receiving support and help as she prepares to bring this little one into the world, but it is not your job to "save" anyone.

    Thinking of you during this time and hoping you are being kind to yourself during this time

  3. Saying No is totally necessary. I am so glad that you have a process in place and you are able to say No when the situation calls for it. I hope that the YES is around the corner for you.

  4. " . . a great decision making process." Golden. For that is exactly what it is, a process. And you said it, this is your life.

    My thoughts are with you as you continue the navigation, the selection for your family.


  5. What a great post. The key is that you and your husband can spend the time to know what is best for you, and you don't need to justify this to anyone.

    And what Mel said!

  6. While it may be sad to hear that you exercised your right to say no, because it was very likely not easy, I'm glad to hear you all stuck with your process, your inner voice and your heart. Good for you and bravo to your agency for being understanding and supportive of your decision! This is the icky, ugly, and dark side of adoption that many do not understand. It genuinely ticks me off when people say, "You should be happy with what you get." Or it really brothers me when they say that you don't get to pick when you have your own. But you know what? If you carry your own child, you get to choose how you care for your body and growing baby. You have the choice to not smoke, to not use drugs, to abstain from behaviors that may result in STI's, to eat healthy, to exercise, to get enough rest and to surround yourself in a positive, loving environment. No, being infertile does not make it your job to "save" children. Everyone has their limits and it is important to establish boundaries. It will be okay. This child will find their way to the right family. Hold onto that hope that you are getting closer to yes. Hugs, and more hugs.

  7. Some of the hardest moments in life are when you have to simply say "no". I commend you for having the strength to do so.

  8. As hard as it was for you to say no, I agree with Cristy- it isn't your job to save anyone. This is the rest of your life you are talking about. I'm glad that you felt comfortable to say no and that your agency was understanding. I'm really hoping that YES comes very soon.

  9. We had that happen to us. We said no and I felt horrible. I cried so hard, thinking that we were crazy when someone finally picked us and really wanted us, that we had to say no. There were some warning flags and hubby said he had a feeling it wasn't the right choice for us. He was right and we found our way to our little guy and though the journey was a rollercoaster, I am so glad we waited for him!

  10. I, too, had one of those indignant friends. And we, too, had one of those not-clear-cut decisions placed in front of us. It was AGONIZING.

    I like your last line.

  11. Knowing yourself is so important when you're adding a life to your life. I'm proud of you for sticking to the decisions that are right for you. It's the best kind of integrity.