Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, September 14, 2015

#Microblog Mondays: Readjusting My Family Vision



I pretty much always wanted two kids. An eldest and a youngest, even if that was marked by only minutes. I was one of two, and it seemed like a nice even number, a child for each parent. Bryce, on the other hand, was an only child and didn't feel as such like he missed out on anything. He was (is) perfectly happy to dream of a family of three, with a fourth member as something possible, maybe, a nice round number, but not necessary.

I've been thinking lately about how often I use the pronoun "they" for our future child(ren), when it really kind of seems like I should pick the singular.

Once upon a time it was a lot easier to think about having two... when the having of these children was only mildly complicated. But now? I am happy to think about having one child, and so am slowly readjusting my dream to a family of three.

Would it be so lonely, having one child? Bryce didn't think so. He was really great at entertaining himself, and had friends to keep him company when he wanted and quiet time to himself when he didn't.

I know a fair number of families of three, and they seem to be doing okay great. I know adults who were only children (somehow the phrase "only children" seems like one coined by someone who was trying to make a point about how sad and lonely that must be... there must be a better term out there), and they seem very well-adjusted, not lacking in social skills, with the added benefit of being the sole beneficiary of parental attention and budgetary funds.

I find myself asking these questions, wondering how much of a choice I really have here, at this point, as we wait for our first child through adoption at 39 and 41, having spent six years of time and money trying to make our FutureBaby materialize, and aren't as of yet successful.

A family of three sounds pretty damn good right now.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!

10 comments:

  1. I so get everything you say here! I too am trying to adjust my dream of two children to the reality of very likely having just one. I've even noticed that in basic conversation we seem to interchangeably say kid or kids, both knowing that the "s" just might not be in our future.

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  2. I thought I would have more than one child, but as you know, I only have one. And unfortunately, he's the type of kid who would have thrived with a sibling. He hates being alone. He hates sleeping alone. He used to ask me if he could have a baby brother or sister and it was brutal trying to explain to him why that could not happen. It's simply about the nature of the child. I feel bad for him, and it's a regret I have. Had I only been 10 years younger! One the other hand, I'm pretty sure I would have lost my natural mind.

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  3. It's pretty good! A family of 3 or 2 as in my case is a family :) :)

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  4. Once upon a time, I had imagined and wanted four to six kids. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and I wanted a medium family. My dad is one of thirteen, so four to six kids was medium to me. :) As I have gotten older, I am having to readjust my dreams both in what my heart has wanted since childhood to how things naturally progress and change over time. Much of my youth is behind me and as my window is getting smaller, one or two sounds pretty good. I have several friends who only have one child and they are very happy families. The dream of having more children that was once imagined is worthy of grief. Letting go of those dreams makes room for new ones. :)

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  5. Your child will have a wonderful life with or without sibling(s). I couldn't imagine my life without you, but I needed you so much because I was special needs and mom and dad couldn't be there 100% of the time. You've already had a lot of experience mothering me. :) You'll have a wonderful family, whether it is a family of three, or a family of more.

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  6. Yes, out of necessity I think everyone changes our expectations as our lives change. I think too that as we're forced to face realities, we are also forced to see different perspectives, and be open to the idea that life doesn't have to be exactly as we planned it, and most importantly, that it can still be wonderful. If you get your child(ren) that will be pretty damn good!

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  7. Thanks for sharing this - it is an awesome post. We're going through this adjustment in our household right now as well. Before infertility, we'd planned on a family of 2-3 kids. Now, we're well aware that for numerous reasons, our daughter may be our one. I think it's harder on my husband, who is the oldest of five (!), but we're getting there.

    Being in the readjustment phase is a bit of a challenge - it's a sort of sneaky grief that creeps in around the edges (at least for me). But I love and keep coming back to your conclusion "A family of three sounds pretty damn good right now." Yes. Exactly that.



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  8. It's another thing that IF takes away from people--the choice of family size. I think we'll have two children, but it still seems like the decision was made for me rather than our family being completed on our terms.

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  9. It's trite but there's no one right way to be a family. I think whether you're a family of three or more it will be the perfect number. I say this with great conviction as I attempt to convince myself of the same ;-)

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  10. I've been thinking of you a lot over the past few months and have been curious how things are going.... always hoping that your family of 3 or more happens soon!

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