Monday, June 8, 2015
#Microblog Mondays: You Keep Some, You Lose Some
Things are getting more and more real for us over here -- we were assigned our social worker, she's reviewing our files as we speak, and we were told to expect a call by late this week to schedule our two home visits.
I am super excited, but also suddenly slapped in the face with how much we have to get done once our home study is complete and approved and we are officially waiting parents.
So naturally, I went through the Baby Binder to see all the on articles on registering I've razored out (to supplement my obsessive Pinterest collection of lists).
That was a bittersweet activity, let me tell you. There are a lot of pages, a LOT, that I can keep right where they are--a lot of parenting advice, milestones, newborn stuff, gear and nursery stuff, diaper comparisons, photo shoot recommendations, choosing daycare options and pediatricians, all that good stuff. All things we need to seriously start considering so that we're ready for FutureBaby, even if we wait a really long time. You just don't know how long or short that wait will be.
The heavy heart lump that I've not had for a really long time started rising up into my throat though when I saw all of the pages that I don't need anymore, but haven't yet had the heart to pull out of the binder. Pages on eating right for pregnancy, exercises to prepare you for labor and a swift recovery, dealing with c-sections, what to expect from each trimester, what to expect from each phase of labor, poses/props to help with labor, maternity clothes, maternity photo shoots, a lot of nursing stuff for new moms who don't have to induce lactation because they just gave birth, postpartum advice, and basically A LOT OF STUFF THAT NO LONGER APPLIES TO ME.
It was surprising to me, just how sad I found myself. It wasn't that raw, painful, sobby kind of sad; more like an ache caused by that lump that grew and grew but never got stabby. I immediately felt guilty. Shouldn't I be more well-adjusted than this? Shouldn't I just be so overcome by the thrilling fact that I AM PREPARING TO REGISTER FOR A REAL LIVE BABY that those non-applicable pages don't matter--a turn of the lip, a slight swell of a tear duct, but that's it?
I have gained so much. We have actual hope. We have an actual baby, somewhere, sometime, coming to make us parents. We get to have a nursery, and learn infant CPR, and interview pediatricians and day care centers. We get to do all the things a "normal" person would do in their third trimester, it's just that our third trimester could last months to years with no specific due date and possibly very little advance notice.
Despite the comfort and excitement in all the things we get to keep, all the experiences we get to have (you know, like PARENTHOOD), in that moment, those pages I've lost hurt more than I thought they had a right to.
Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!
* Okay, fine, this wasn't really so "micro," but it needed to get out. I am so awful at brevity.