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I don't know why, but I take a certain point of pride when someone I work with finds out my personal hell outside of school and then says, incredulously, "I had NO IDEA that you were going through this."
In a way, I feel it is a testament to my ability to compartmentalize and do a damn good job at school despite my personal world getting shredded into tiny little bits of shattered dreams and hopes, every single day. It happened Friday, when a teacher I've taught near since September had a torrent of loss thrown at her as she rescued me from the student bathroom where I was sobbing from frustration and feelings of impending loss and feelings of cumulative emotional stress. It happened last year, when a teacher I worked with at my 9th grade split position who knew my story asked how things were going in front of my guidance counselor and assistant principal in a break during annual reviews, and both of them were shocked by the depth and breadth of my saga.
But, because I've been putting up this front for so long of "I'm coping, I'm fine, my baggage is safely stowed and invisible to your eyes," I find that there are huge cracks forming in my facade. And when the dam breaks, I find that my story comes pouring out like a flood of sorrow. And there is power in sharing that story and realizing the sheer accumulation and devastation of all the things that have gone wrong for me, not so that I can be told how strong I am but so that I can let it go, share the weight of this hell, and maybe even gain more allies and support along the way.
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Oh yes, yes, yes to this. I think there are times when tucking it away is helpful and necessary. But sharing it not only unburdens you but opens someone else's eyes.
ReplyDeleteThank you... I usually try to tuck at school, so a zillion people don't ask me how it's going when I have to be with it for students. But it is an unburdening to share, and let someone in to all that lies not so far under the surface.
DeleteIt is hard -- and sometimes necessary -- to keep our compartments separate, but I does bring relief when you're able to let a few people in. I'm glad you've had support from your co-workers.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad, too. And yes! It is hard, although it's served me fairly well as a coping strategy until now. Thanks for your comment!
Delete"There is power in sharing that story and realizing the sheer accumulation and devastation of all the things that have gone wrong for me, not so that I can be told how strong I am but so that I can let it go, share the weight of this hell, and maybe even gain more allies and support along the way."
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes! And this is what I decided to type before I saw what Mel had said. (This is the second time that's happened today!) I hope you feel that the burden is lifting, and that you're gaining allies and support along the way. You have it here - it's nice to have it in real life too.
Thank you, Mali! Great minds think alike... ;) It did feel like a lifting of the burden. And it is SO TRUE that I have it here, that saves me daily. To have more of it in real life is beautiful.
DeleteComing back to check out your blog - thank you for leaving a comment on mine. I read a bit of your story from you bio and the previous entry. I'm sorry that you are struggling with treatments and trying to hold together the public persona; if there's anything harder than the experiences themselves it's trying to act like everything is fine. And unfortunately as a teacher it's usually necessary to have that public face up. But I'm glad that you have found people at your school who can listen, as well as respect you for continuing to be professional (I am super impressed by that). I'm a special ed teacher too :-) I know I will be eternally grateful for my colleagues at my school last year because I had to tell them everything that was going on and they were always so supportive. Just like our challenging students, sometime we need a team of people to get us through the tough times. Hang in there and best wishes for your cycle. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks for coming over! It is so true that teachers have to have that public face up. You are so right--I would like to have a plan to help get me through the day, too. A break card would have been awfully nice. :) I think sometimes as special ed teachers we are the fixers, the problem solvers...and when we can't fix or solve ourselves it can't help but leak out. Thank you for your thoughts and your wishes, much appreciated!
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