Good News Would Be Awfully Nice Right About Now

Everything was looking great up to today. My estrogen had risen much more appropriately than the last cycle that was canceled under this protocol--it went from baseline 27 to first bloodwork-only monitoring 80.

So I wasn't super nervous about today's monitoring. I felt like I was off to a good start, although I'm not super uncomfortable from the FSH drugs. I had some sense of worry leftover from the last cycle, but was confident today would look good.

Wrong.

Guess what's back? My fricking enemy, fluid. Little bubble of fluid at the top of my uterus. And my lining is thin. Hard to say how thin because measuring with the fluid is cheating, but 6.2mm is not what they were hoping for. And fluid? Forget it.

I was told whilst stirruped that they were going to bump up my meds, hoping this was an "estrogen issue." I don't really know what that means, but I had to do a quick overnight-shipment order of the Follistim since I now have enough for tonight only, not enough for tonight and tomorrow. I was told it's not over, they think they can get that fluid gone with a more robust estrogen boost. So I was upset, understandably, but not super upset.

Okay, that's a lie. I cried my way down the 90. I can't BELIEVE the fluid's back and this freaking fancypants protocol is failing me, AGAIN. (Probably more accurate...my body is failing me, again.) I can't BELIEVE I have about a 50-50 chance of getting canceled again. I can't handle this anymore. I don't know what to do, because I really, really wanted to get these embryos into a uterus and give them a chance, since we, you know, created them and all.

My solution to feeling overwhelmed and sad and frustrated?

1) Watch a movie on the couch covered with the Christmas Quilt made by Bryce's mom. Make it The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, because it's funny and heartwarming and people in their golden years don't talk about infertility or babies or anything. (Great movie, by the way...go watch it if you need a pick-me-up.)

2) Do something pamper-y. In my case, I had a situation where yesterday one of my students commented on my grey hair. Like, "I didn't realize how much grey hair you have! It's a LOT!" Then another students said, "We have to be nicer to her. Those grey hairs are probably from us." Gotta love 8th graders. Anyway, it prompted me to want to color my hair. And today, when everything is quickly sliding downhill into a steaming pile of shit, I decided I would GET my hair colored. Something I haven't done in around 10 years. If I have to feel crappy on the inside, I can at least look good on the outside. I just had to swallow the guilt at coloring my hair at a salon in the middle of the day when I should be at school (but I had to take the full day for the appointment in Buffalo, so why not?).

I felt a little better, until I got a phone call while my hair was being paint-brushed with permanent dye around my greys and I was getting a lovely preview of what I'd look like bald (surprisingly not unattractive, by the way).

It turns out that my estrogen DROPPED. It went from 80 on Monday to 71 today, despite 150 of follistim and 5 of the mysterious Solution X. That is NOT good. So they want me to do bloodwork only on Saturday.

I know what this means.

They are leaning towards cancelling if the bloodwork sucks. Because there's no point in making me drive out to Buffalo if my estrogen is still in the toilet. They know the fluid is there, and unless my estrogen goes up, then I am going to be low estrogen, thin lining, fluid CANCELED. Done. Finito.

On the positive side--the raise in my dosage could rescue the cycle, maybe. I could have great estrogen and then have to come in on Monday. Oh no, which means that I need to have sub plans ready on my desk just in case I'm out Monday. Arghh.

It's not over yet. I can just hear the fat lady warming up. I just don't understand this at all. Why can't I even get CLOSE to transfer anymore? What has changed? Why does my body suck so much? Why can't I just reach this resolution? If I get canceled, I am going to lose my mind a bit. Or a lot.

Please send virtual love notes to my uterus and my ovaries, that they may do what the frick they're supposed to do between now and Saturday. That should offset the telling-off I have been doing.

Ironically, as I got in the car to drive away from my hair coloring experience, the song that immediately came on the radio was "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. A song that once would make me feel really warm and happy inside, make me think surely it's a good sign. But now it just reminds me of how stuck I am, of how much believing I've been doing and how little that has done for us. I would like to believe this cycle can be rescued. I just want to move on to what's next. I just want to believe we can be parents, and not be stuck in this Sisyphusian hell.