Sunday, December 14, 2014

Delay, Delay, Delay

It's been a whirlwind two weeks, and it will continue to be a whirlwind through the holidays. December has not been kind to us, from our cycle cancellation the first week to my grandmother's passing the second week, her first small memorial yesterday and preparation for the larger family memorial service/calling hours/reception/family dinner in Ohio next weekend. I have to say, as disappointed and saddened as I was to have my cycle cancelled, it was quickly overshadowed by the greater loss of my amazing grandmother. And, not that I love the "Everything happens for a reason" trope that goes through me like a freaking railroad nail, but if my cycle had continued on as normal I would have found myself in a tricky position with all the funeral preparations. I would have had to travel with needles at best, and my transfer could have interfered with going to the Ohio funeral at worst. I would have had to play my violin at my grandmother's memorial service and speak to her memory under the influence of hormone shots, a task that would be near impossible, and I would have worried that my grief would influence the outcome. Illogical, I know, but it would have been my thought process. I would have loved the possibility of creating new life as my grandmother's life left us, but it wasn't to be. Although, I like the thought that several of my good friends have said, "your grandmother is going to send you your babies, the perfect babies that are meant for you."

Note they didn't say HOW those babies are to come.

This week, I was waiting for a call or email from my doctor's office, because the big powwow meeting about our case was to be this week, and a plan was to be created and then communicated to us. Up until Friday morning, I had nothing.

But then, my little blue light flashed on my phone as I checked it at lunch. A missed call from a restricted number. A voicemail. I opened it with 7 minutes of my lunch left, while stuffing my face with leftover BBQ beef shoulder from takeout the night before (my eating habits have been horrid this week with all the prep and stress and holiday hoo-ha).

The message said to call the nurse back to discuss further, but summed up the plan. I am to go on The Pill with my next period, whenever the hell that comes. Probably in the middle of the memorial service in Ohio, so I'd better pack a pillpack. I was expecting that I would start a protocol after that pill pack, in January.


I am to go on The Pill for two months, to try and suppress my body into submission so that it can be more expertly manipulated and maybe actually do what it's supposed to do. Then in the third month, I start the stimming protocol again for my FET, with a little tweak I'm supposing. So that puts us into February, with a test likely at the end of February. Assuming everything goes well. And during a Pill cycle, I'm to go get a midcycle ultrasound at my OB/GYN's to see what my lining is doing (and I suspect to check for that fluid, whatever the hell that is).

That seems like a really long time.

At this point, we are in "Get it done" mode. For those of you who may not understand why we continue down this path, trust me--we are feeling that we need to move on, too. However, WE CAN'T until our embryos are gone. When we did our first frozen in September and it failed, we thought that we could get through all our frozens by January and then BE DONE, if it wasn't to be. We could then mourn for a few months and then get started on the lengthy and involved adoption process. The paperwork seems staggering, just for the application, let alone the homestudy. And I didn't want to do anything that involved talking to a social worker until we were resolved with the fertility piece. Which seemed like a possibility for the end of 2014.

Except now, NOW, we're delayed into 2015, and to finish everything out it could be MAY. I will be honest, I really, really do not want to be still cycling come my birthday and the dreaded Mother's Day. I really, really, want this whole devastating situation to shit or get off the pot, to be crass but incredibly accurate. If it's going to happen with our embryos, then I need us to be able to push through and get them used. Because if it's not going to happen, then we need to get this parenthood show on the road.

I feel this tremendous delay weighing on us. I feel an overwhelming sense of frustration. I understand that this delay is to give us the best possible chance, and that if we're going to use these embryos, these little bundles of fertilized and dividing life (and ethically we feel strongly that we must), then we need to give them the best chance of succeeding. It just all feels so far away. And to push these cycles out feels even further away, like a cruel drawing out of the process.

I had wanted us to start the application to the adoption agency we've selected in January, so we could get all the paperwork together and then start the homestudy process when we were done, assuming that this wasn't going to work physically. We could start the part that doesn't involve anyone else but us and a copy machine and a computer, without worrying about involving a birthfamily or a social worker or starting a timer on the homestudy. But now, now that we're looking at not even doing the blast frozen cycle until mid February, does that make sense? Do we wait until late January or early February to start the application? I don't want time to run out. I don't know what to do. I suppose I could call the agency and ask their opinion on the timing given our situation, they have wonderful people to answer any questions you may have, but I have this small niggling worry...will that somehow get recorded in our file? I do feel, even after reading the books I've read, that everything is examined very closely, and what if asking about when to start the application is some indication of wishy-washy-ness? What if then your commitment is questioned? Please tell me I'm crazy for wondering this. Please tell me that instead it would be considered thoughtful that we're trying to manage the timing so that it is the least disruptive to agency staff if we were to be somehow miraculously successful and not go down the adoption path at this time.

All of this thinking is exhausting. All of this constant delay and drawing out of these decisions make me incredibly sad. I feel like it is pushing parenthood out, out, out into the far reaches of what I can see in my mind. The fact that we are entering 2015 without a baby or a baby on the way is incredibly upsetting to me, since when we started this in 2009 my husband said, "I don't think we'll be successful until 2012" and I could have slapped him. How could he think it would be that far out? I would give my eyeteeth and any number of other precious things to have had his prediction be right. To have a child in our house RIGHT NOW and marvel at our luck and blessings.

We are going to set up some kind of consult, because we want a little more information on this change to our plan, but I don't think it will shorten the timeframe. February, here we come.


  1. While I'm not glad that you're so delayed, I am glad that you don't have to deal with Ali that stress and grief, too. I'm still so sorry about your grandma, she was amazing.

    I got to thinking about you (while walking the dog; you're on my mind these days) and it sounds to me (and I could be wrong) that you're going through the motions of cycling, but your hearts aren't in it. You're doing it because you think you have to, not because you want to.

    I 100% understand why and agree you have to give these embryos a shot, I don't think it's disingenuous or wrong or lying to move forward with the adoption concurrently.

    While I know there's an infinitesimal chance of this, but what if you fell pregnant naturally while pursuing adoption? Would you feel compelled to use birth control while pursuing adoption so you would feel 100% committed to the process?

    I know it's not analogous, that doing IVF is actively trying, not passively, but I just wonder if you're already moving on, or already there and you'd be doing you and Bryce a disservice by waiting.

    Of course, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about at all.

    It's a tough spot to be in, and I want you to find happiness as soon as possible. But I also know that part of being truly happy is following the path that's right for you.

    Hugs for your grandma, hugs for your canceled cycle, hugs for the delay, and just hugs for being you.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. It's an interesting perspective--I loved the part about using birth control while pursuing adoption. I never thought of it that way. (Of course, I would, because otherwise my PCOS periods are far too unpredictable and clothing-destroying, but not to prevent pregnancy--at that point it'll be pretty darn apparent a whoopsie wouldn't happen). But the thought was very compelling.

      I hope I didn't sound like I am just going through the motions. I'm not, and sometimes it's like a defense mechanism to pretend like I care less than I do. I really, really, really, hope that this works. It's just so hard after having so many embryos die in there to feel excited about another cycle when lately so much has gone wrong that's new. It's possible our doctor has the fix, but I just can't put all my hope in that basket anymore.

      I think we're planning on starting the application anyway, in late January. Collecting paperwork is a lot different from the home study, which I am certain I won't have the bandwidth to do simultaneously with a cycle. It just feels like this limbo, this incomplete sentence that's hanging out there waiting to be finished. (Maybe an unresolved chord hanging in the air?)

      Thanks for the hugs and the thoughts and the thoughtfulness of your comment. I'm sure we'll get there sometime, hopefully in 2015, or at least sooner than later.

    2. I get trying to protect yourself, and that makes more sense than actually being detached. I'm a huge enabler (in only the best ways--if you go shopping with me, I will convince you that you need that 3rd pair of sparkly heels) so I was just thinking of how to justify moving forward with the adoption process.

      I'm glad you're moving forward.

      Of course, what I want is a pregnancy and an adoption--your plate would be so lovingly full.

    3. That is a wonderful thought... And thanks for the heads up on your enabling! I won't be shoe shopping with you (I already have a pair of heels a fashionista friend convinced me to buy that are lovely but hurt way too much for me to wear regularly). :) Ha, ha. I hope everything comes to be in its own time, but that we can finagle this overlapping with grace. I just can't wait any longer. Thanks again for your support!

  2. I was just commenting to Romeyn the other day that I had just about had it with 2014. 2015 cannot come soon enough. We are thinking of you and praying for your successful babyness by any method or methods possible. This baby is already so loved that I feel that you've already blessed him/her with a wonderful promise of eventual life with parents who will do anything to make sure that he/she is a happy, healthy child.

    1. Thanks, Amanda. We appreciate your thoughts... success in 2015 would be very, very welcome.

  3. I too dislike (and that's putting it very mildly) the "everything happens for a reason" camp. But I have always said that we can find reasons to appreciate the way things happen...even in the crummiest circumstances.

    I can't imagine trying your last FET while making funeral preparations, traveling, and mourning your grandmother's passing...I'm afraid you would not be able to let yourself grieve properly for fear of screwing something up and/or grieve as you should and then feel guilty like you spoiled a cycle if things didn't pan out. So, while your grandmother's passing is in no way the reason you had stupid mystery fluid and a cancelled cycle, you can appreciate that you aren't cycling right now because it would be bad timing. Does that make sense?

    So...even though this delay is beyond frustrating now, here's hoping that you will someday find reasons to appreciate it.

    Hugs to you!