Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Finding Silver Linings

I am almost to trigger, which is crazy to me that it's snuck up so fast, but here we are.

I took my Femara (and it gave me wicked headaches, anyone else have this reaction to it?), and then started my Follistim, Solution X, and Lovenox loveliness the day before Thanksgiving. I had my first midcycle bloodwork last Saturday, and it was 39. A lowly 39 after my baseline of 22 on 11/21. Not much of a rise. Monday it was 155, and Tuesday they had me come in. Monday night I started feeling pretty crappy, I'd had a sore throat starting Sunday and it seemed to blossom into a flulike thing by Monday night (but not the flu, because no fever, but icky nonetheless). I'd taken a half day off Tuesday to go to Buffalo, but I decided Tuesday morning when I woke up feeling even more horrid than the day before that there was no way I could drive to Buffalo and back and get to school to teach two periods feeling the way I did. It was a good call, since I had a difficult time staying awake WHILE DRIVING, which is a terrible feeling, but obviously I made it through, as I sit here typing this in my office instead of a hospital bed. I ended up sleeping for 5 hours in the afternoon after. I go back tomorrow morning and I just took the whole day off, because I don't want to rush back for two periods and I didn't make it in time yesterday to constitute a half day anyway, and for one more reason.

Yesterday my lining was not even close to where they want it. It was 5-6 mm, and I had one follicle at 15mm and a bunch at 12ish, but apparently they only need one. For most people. I'm assuming I need more since my lining was a bit flimsy. Oh, and one other thing. There was fluid in my uterus.

WTF? Fluid? I've NEVER had fluid in my uterus in a midcycle before. I asked what it meant, and the doctor (not my particular doctor but one I enjoy anyway) said that it could resolve, it could stay, but that it couldn't be there for transfer. It was bad business. "Sooooo, what does that mean?" I asked trepidatiously. "Well, I can't really tell you what it is, and I hope it resolves, because it could mean cancelling the cycle."

SHIT SHIT SHIT. First off, I've never ever ever had fluid before. Second off, I HATE the C-word. I have never been cancelled until 2014. I am trying not to freak out, because as he said, it could resolve itself. It just makes me so mad that my body just hates me THIS much to throw another wrench in things. If I get bad news tomorrow, I so cannot go back to school.

I need some silver linings. I need to find something positive to hang on to.

Silver Lining #1: Even though I am sick, I don't have a fever.
Silver Lining #2: Even if I had a fever, it wouldn't matter much at this point since my eggs are only being used to bring up my lining. So egg quality doesn't matter at all.
Silver Lining #3: Lovenox--I hate it, and it has left silver-dollar-sized hematoma looking bruises on my stomach despite my pressing on it the way I was told would avoid these bruises, BUT, thanks to the bruising and the purple dots where all my other injections go, I now have a complete map of where the needles have already been. No repeating! I can clearly see where NOT to go! Thank you, Lovenox.
Silver Lining #4: Driving to and from Buffalo, I get to listen to NPR for nearly three hours. I am so much more informed on world events!
Silver Lining #5: Taking the whole day off means I can get a little extra down time this week, which is good because I need it what with my ovaries and my uterus being so mean to me.
Silver Lining #6: If for some reason this cycle gets cancelled, then it wasn't the right time. I hate that logic so much, but at the same time, if it is cancelled, I get consolation Christmas cocktails. And coffee. A very very small but gratifying consolation.
Silver Lining #7: Because I have been feeling so icky, Bryce has been giving me excellent back rubs. A good back rub is worth its wait in gold.

I feel a tiny bit better. They bumped my Follistim up 75 units, in hopes it will boost my ovaries and so my lining, so I'm hoping that my lining is up to at least 9 by tomorrow. Is that possible in 2 days? I hope so. If all looks good I could trigger by Friday, making transfer late next week. I really, really would like some good news tomorrow. If you wouldn't mind sending some "fluid begone" thoughts my way, I'd appreciate it.

I would love if we could get a little more silver lining and a lot less cloud.

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