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| Cute, no? |
Well, at least until I walked in the door and felt woefully overdressed in the face of a slew of sleek, dark-neutral clad, slender wives and moms, a surprising number of small children running about and shrieking gaily from multiple dedicated play areas, and had the realization that I was very much not with my tribe here.
As predicted,
And I just said, "No."
I didn't add "that didn't work out for us," or "it's a long story" or any kind of explanation -- I didn't even say it in a morose or wistful tone, I just said "No" and moved on.
It felt amazingly freeing on my part -- I mean, I'm probably not going to see the majority of these people ever again (unless we go to this party next year), and they knew nothing at all about me except for what I offered. What was weird was that I felt that an unfettered "no" was disconcerting to a lot of the askers, who seemed a bit put off and at one point someone asked how long we'd been married and I happily said 8 years and let them just wonder about our circumstances. No one asked. They just sort of stuttered and awkwardly changed the subject. Which I let them do without that urge to explain further.
A milestone, I think!
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That’s an awesome dress! Dark neutrals, yaaawn. Glad you felt ok to not explain yourself. I can imagine how freeing that must feel. When we were in the thick of infertility I would cringe and feel somehow guilty when people asked if we had children. As if I had done something wrong or been neglectful and they’d found me out. Which made no logical sense. Sometimes you have to kick that baggage to the curb.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I love this dress. I felt like I walked into NYC or something, there was always a horde of tall, thin, dark-clothing-wearing people there. And yes, yes -- so freeing. I always felt like I had to explain, and even now I have that knee-jerk urge to prove somehow that we wanted children, that it was something we lost, but then again why do that to myself over and over again? People don't explain why they do have children, right? :)I get your feelings when you were in the thick of things, that weird guilt. I get it. Woo hoo to lost baggage!
DeleteHoly crap! That party would have sent me into an utter panic attack. I don’t so well with this type of group either, despite the Beats. There’s just an attitude and assumption about life they tend to carry that I’ve never been able to connect with.
ReplyDeleteHence why I think your response was perfect. No explanation needed. You should be damn proud of how you handled it all.
Yeah, it was an immediate, "oh dear, I am amongst the fancy people and I am clearly not one of them nor do I care to be..." I think they ask about kids because it's a good go-to conversation piece and then it's less awkward maybe? But alas, it's not always that great go-to thing and then, HEAVENS, you might have to actually talk about yourself and your interests. Thanks, and I am super proud of myself! And glad there aren't any more events like that on the horizon. Sheesh.
DeleteAw I love your outfit! I'm glad to hear you were able to say a simple no to that question without feeling the need to justify it. So was the food good in the end? Some nice gluten free options?
ReplyDeleteThanks! It was funny, because my gut is always telling me to verbal vomit everywhere, but this time I was like, NO. I am just going to say no and continue on. And it was lovely!
DeleteThe food was pretty good, and I did not get sick. The problem was that the gluten free food was put in the front, and so the non-gluten free food was dished out OVER the gluten free stuff, which I would have done differently for less risk. I got my food early though so I didn't have to worry too much. The other problem was that there was focaccia that was labeled gluten free but then the assistant said that she was told that was the only thing that wasn't, and so Bryce got stuck with my plate and ate a lot more eggplant parm than he'd planned on because my first plate was contaminated. But there were COOKIES, delicious GF cookies, and the lemon ones were my favorite. Such a novelty to get a gluten free dessert at a house party! :)
The cross contamination aspect hadn't occurred to me but that makes sense. Glad to hear you didn't get sick anyway and those lemon cookies sounded yum!
DeleteHow empowering, to offer a simple answer with no need to explain yourself. Good for you! (and yes, you look fantastic!).
ReplyDeleteThank you! Love that dress. Huge ModCloth fan. It was SUPER empowering, and while I wish I wasn't asked so often, it was great to just offer a minimal response and leave it at that. I guess the only exception was when they gave out gift bags and asked a coworker of Bryce's that we drove with how many he needed for his kids at home, and they were going to give him 2 but he had 3 kids, and I said "give him one of ours!" Ha ha ha, and then under my breath I said "We need around 27 of them" but no one heard but Bryce. :)
DeleteExcellent!! That's what I do these days, just say "no" in a neutral way without adding anything else. That question itself doesn't bother me. It's unoriginal and boring for sure, but, for me, it's a simple yes or no question. My answer is no. There is usually a pause and then the person either walks away (which is rude, boring, and weird) or the person and I find common ground through pets, food, or how we know the host.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of, I hope you enjoyed the food at the party!
Right? I feel like most people who know me know my story and so wouldn't ask, but these situations with strangers are difficult, especially when clearly everyone else was swimming in parenthood. I did enjoy having conversations that were about other topics. And I agree, sometimes people walk away, which is really weird. Like I have nothing to offer if I don't have kids to talk about? What the hell.
DeleteThe food was really good! A few missteps in how it was put out (but I have no qualms about being the first to grab a plate so that I don't have to worry about cross-contamination by other people) and a mislabeled focaccia that could have been DISASTROUS, but the personal assistant saved me on that one! It was some kind of linguine, eggplant parmesan, roasted chicken, roasted vegetables. And COOKIES!
Your outfit is very attractive.
ReplyDeleteYay for you for not offering any explanation, victory indeed.
A mantra I keep in mind, "don't answer a question not asked."
Thank you! And yes, VICTORY! Felt good. Ooooh, I love your mantra. I am usually like "Give people your life story when all they say is 'what's new?' or 'how are you?'" -- ha ha ha ha...
DeleteWell done! I really love this. Their discomfort is their fault, because of their assumptions and biases. Leaving all that with the question asker, rather than taking it on, is truly liberating. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd you look lovely! How boring for the others to all be wearing the same things, to feel that they must conform.
Thank you! It felt like a step forward, you know? Liberating is a great word for it. I love that dress, at first I thought it made me look fluffy, but then I embraced the poufy skirt and it is now one my favorites. Love the plaid, love that it's not just another black outfit. :)
DeleteI forget whose motto it was, but the phrase "Never complain, never explain" pops into mind. You have absolutely no obligation to elaborate when answering a painful personal question like that... good for you!
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the dress too!
Yes, another good motto! It's off that people don't realize that that question is basically a minefield. Oh well, glad I managed to keep the verbal vomit at bay. And thanks--i love Modcloth, they have the best dresses!
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