Last night, when I was doing lesson planning, I noticed that I got an email from a former student who I had in my consultant teacher English class, but also in a small study hall here I got to know her and the three other students (I may never have a study hall quite so nice again).
She was like a bizarro me -- her reading habits were very similar to mine, she was a little silly but also highly sarcastic like me, and we even looked a little alike. Once when we were working on a research project in the library, another student said, "You could totally be mother/daughter!" and even my co-teacher said that we were oddly reminiscent of each other.
In the email, she writes about how her year is going so far, and inquires about adoption. She asks, "Have you got your baby yet? I sure hope so, I think you'd make a spectacular mother. You actually remind me of my own on some occasions, with your clumsiness and pretty strange stories."
Cue big, fat, ugly cry.
I don't mind when previous students ask if I've "got my baby yet," which is a fairly frequent check in question (I am very fortunate to have had students in the past few years who keep in touch, sending the random email every once in a while). But for some reason, it was absolutely tragic to me that this sweet, smart, snarky girl believes I will be a spectacular mother and that I remind her of her own...but I am smacked with the reality that I AM NOT YET.
It was a beautiful moment, and also a desperately sad moment. Bryce really wasn't sure what to do with me, as I sobbed and sobbed but kept repeating, "It's just SO NICE!" at the same time.
I am so lucky to have students who think I'd be a spectacular mother. I think so, too, and just hope to the heavens that I get the chance.
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Gah! Tears! That is SO incredibly sweet. What an incredible impact you must have had on her. That's amazing you keep in touch with some of your former students-I can tell you I have never kept in touch with any of mine, though I guess now with email it's easier than when we were young.
ReplyDeleteAnd I concur with her...you will make a spectacular mother!
It was, right? Such a gift. I am sort of stalker-y, but it's lovely to see former students and have them remember you as a positive influence. Thanks for your thoughts!
DeleteStudents keeping in touch... how precious they are.
ReplyDeleteMakes me want to reach out to a former teacher!
Amazing, right? Last summer I actually emailed a former teacher to tell her how influential she was, and she was flabbergasted. Do it. It's so rare to actually share with someone the impact they had on you, and so worthwhile to do it. I know I appreciated the sentiment, but I also loved sharing that with my own teachers.
DeleteDamnit, I'm crying too. To have such an impact on your students. Jess, I aspire to be like you as it is truly a talent.
ReplyDeleteAnd this comment about you being a spectacular mother. I whole heartedly agree. Hugs to you.
I feel like I'm pretty damn goofy, and for some reason that sticks. Note it's my clumsiness and strange stories that she remembers... :) Thanks for the thoughts and the hugs! It was a tremendous compliment.
DeleteAw. A beautiful compliment.
ReplyDeleteIt sure was. She had a pretty crap social history, so I feel doubly blessed that I made an impact, a sunny spot in a pretty damn dark space. Love those connections!
DeleteOh wow. Tears. That's so incredibly nice and heartbreaking all at the same time. You be be an amazing mother!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! It was incredible, and so sad, all at once. I am so hopeful that I will get the chance, and to have students cheering me on from further grades? Just awesome.
DeleteDon't even know what to say...except I get it. Some moments can be both affirming and cutting in a way that's hard to explain.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely -- perfect way to put it. Affirming and cutting all at once.
DeleteHugs! This is really beautiful. But whatever happens, you've clearly made a real impact on this student, and she sees you as a mother too.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I hate the whole cliched "oh you must feel like you mother your students" bit, because while I am definitely influential on their lives (I hope) I am NOT a parental figure. And they don't go home with me, even though there are certainly times when I wish I could just whisk them away. I am forever at that 13-14 year old developmental level, but I feel if I can make a difference at that crucial time then I have done what I want to do. I am so fortunate to have this chance, and you're right -- no matter what happens, I do get to hold that nurturing role.
DeleteVery sweet and heartfelt. Beautiful. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. It was so beautiful, and so hard, but mostly just beautiful.
DeleteThis is poignant and sad as well as being a lovely compliment (quite rare to hear something like this; you must be super likeable in real life too!). The thing that gets me personally these days is how nice is must be to have adult kids. I know you have to put the work in and raise them first, of course... but rather than musing on the cuteness of having little kids (which I suppose I used to sometimes), I've moved on 100% from that and I can now see how great it must be when they're about 20 and you look at them and think "what a fine person you've become" (if they have...). That must be good. I think as I get older I'll think about this more and more but I hope not. I'm rambling a bit but I've found myself musing on this loss more than any other aspect.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this upset you and can totally understand the weird mixed feelings that it invoked....
Mixed feelings for sure. I think about that, too -- I love this age group, this point where they are finding themselves and hopefully making good choices (but probably creating a path of destruction as they find themselves). I think it is hard to think on all the stages that might not be experienced. It's funny, I don't teach younger grades for a reason. I'm sure if/when we are successful I will love having a younger child, but man do I NOT want to teach a big group of them! Give me the awkward teenagers any day. Thinking of you, too.
DeleteLove this. Not only will you make a spectacular mother, but you are a spectacular teacher.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It is truly a gift to do what you love, and to love what you do, and to balance out those difficult moments with the ones that sustain you. This was one of those moments.
DeleteThat's so sweet that you had such a nice connection with your student and that she sent you a lovely message. Sorry if it was also a sad trigger for you though.
ReplyDeleteThanks -- it was incredibly lovely. I treasure the connection. It just was such a bittersweet way to reflect on not being successful yet and my fears that I'll miss motherhood entirely. It was funny, her followup said that she pictured my empty nursery, and it was such a grave image that didn't go with my joyful personality at all, so it can't possibly stay that way. What a peach this girl is! :)
DeleteOh, I get that stupid cry, the sweetness mixed with the bitter mixed with anticipation and fear and dread and hope, and it's all too much and it comes bursting out, spilling out, with unabashed release of the heart it pours from.
ReplyDeleteYes, the bitter and the sweet all at once. I am so lucky to share my heart with my students, and to not feel like I have to be a certain way -- to be goofy and honest and heartfelt with them is so important at this critical junction in their lives. I am the lucky one.
DeleteUgh and awwww, all at the same time. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteTHanks for the hugs lady! Bittersweet for sure.
DeleteSuch a hard email to get but also so wonderful that you have such a deep connection with your old students. Deep breaths.
ReplyDeleteThanks -- I will take those deep breaths. I am so fortunate to culture these connections that last for years. They grow so much, and I am forever in 8th grade, but it warms my heart so much to think that I am memorable in some way, that that connection is timeworthy.
DeleteClearly you have impacted in the most positive way some thoughtful, caring young people. Of course you will be a wonderful mother.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. I try to help nurture that caring in a time when it's so easy to not be, as a young teenager. This student was wise way beyond her years and not through good experiences, and so the connection was so important. While it's hard to find myself still not successful, I am so happy that she wants to keep in touch and is thinking about me. I'm going to have to do a district tour when our Mystery Baby comes so my former students can see what happens! :)
DeleteAmanda (above) beat me to the line I was thinking as I read this. ;) You are obviously a spectacular teacher to have students who think of you in this way!
ReplyDeleteOh, thank you. I sure as hell hope so. I pride myself on really knowing my students and creating a safe space for them. I feel like there is so much worth in honesty and relationship building and a large dose of goofiness. It sure paid off here. She's a special kiddo.
DeleteNot you would, you WILL. It's not a hypothetical. It's happening. And you will make spectacular parents.
ReplyDeleteSuch a lovely sentiment, but yes, definitely hard given everything. It's neat that you were able to forge such a connection with your student, though!
ReplyDelete