I went to get new glasses a little while ago, and my eye doctor at Pearle Vision changed from an older man to a middle aged woman.
At one point in the eye exam, she asked me if I had children. When I said no, she said, "me either."
Then she told me about how she had focused on her education, and then her career, and she never met the right person in time to have a family of her own, and she grew up without a father and so didn't want to raise a child alone. She clearly felt very comfortable sharing her life story while setting up my new prescription.
She also said she didn't feel like she had a hole in her life, because she had nieces and nephews and she was an Auntie, and that was just fine: she loves her life, as is.
How refreshing!
Except then as I was leaving, she asked, "how old are you?" and I told her. The next statement blew my mind. "Well, it's not too late!"
"I DON'T HAVE A UTERUS," I said, followed by "and I'm actually happy now, I love my life as is."
This is the SECOND time I have had to throw out my missing reproductive organs to say that yes, it's "too late." How old do I have to be before people who know nothing about my boundlessly spectacular infertility stop saying how I could possibly still have a baby? 50? Older than Janet Jackson?
And more importantly, what happened to bring resolved and "not having a hole in your life?" It felt like that message got diluted by the "but wait! You could maybe still get pregnant, because that's what you really want, right? That's the only ending people actually want, so it must be what you want, too, you sad childless lump."
I AM HAPPY AS IS. It took a lot of work to get here. Bryce and I have built a new life, in a new house that was never meant for children. I am glad I have no uterus anymore. I am glad there's no ambiguity about my (in)ability to conceive.
It seems weird that this happiness isn't believed though, that it sense the possibility of a late life surprise pregnancy is considered a prize, a winning lottery number. Weird and disappointing, especially from someone who professed to be a whole, happy childless person.
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I hate this. I'm sorry you had to experience it. I'll never understand people's need to reassure us that we can still have kids. I hate how childbearing/adoption success is just assumed. I'm glad you told her the truth. Maybe you spared the next woman some pain.
ReplyDeleteThe ignorance mostly frustrates me, sometimes angers me. But I don't need strangers (or even family members) to understand for it to be true. I am happy as is too. <3
Ugh. Such relief at first, followed up by the typical comment. Frankly, once I had come to terms with my situation, I hated the idea of a surprise pregnancy in my late-40s! I also had a friend suggest I could still adopt when I had just entered my 50s. Arrrgh! So you may get it in a few years.
ReplyDeleteSo very insensitive and narrow thinking.
ReplyDeleteIf someone create a bracelet, ring, or necklace that childless women/couples could wear toward quashing those kind of comments.
But then again, the clueless would probably remain so.
::sigh::
"Older than Janet Jackson?" -- SNORT!!
ReplyDeleteWeird and disappointing, for sure. Sounds like the optician (or whatever title) maybe wasn't as resolved as she says she is. Can't fault her. As you have shown, this is deep work that requires stark honesty with ones self and commitment to so many layers of healing.
So much about people is strange and unknowable, even of ourselves. Who knows what motivated your eye doctor's remark! perhaps she feared that she projected too much of her life story onto you. Or perhaps she isn't as at peace as she appeared to be when she told her story. Probably impossible to ever know for sure.
ReplyDeleteIt's ridiculous. :p I must say that the older I got (and definitely past my mid-40s), the comments became further & fewer between, until they finally ceased altogether. But seriously, to tell a woman over 40 that "it's not too late" is completely idiocy. It may not be *entirely* too late, especially if you're willing to take on infertility treatments and user donor gametes. But it's most definitely far from a given either.
ReplyDelete