I know I've mentioned before that this has been a tough school year, but HOLY MOSES it feels like it is just taking everything I have.
Today was a terrible day.
I probably cried at least 4 times, in my room, in the stairwell, in a friend's classroom...so many things went wrong. I cried for the students whose home lives are beyond hellish and who seem to have whole warehouses of decks stacked against them, yet are still told "You have to learn to be responsible and manage your time" when they don't get assigned work done at home (clearly NOT by me). I cried for my student who is horribly emotionally disregulated and who can be such a sweet boy, such an insanely intelligent boy with a goofy sense of humor, but morphs into an explosive, almost superhero-who-just-got-his-powers-and-doesn't-know-how-to-control-them-and-might-destroy-everything-trying-to type person who flips tables and screams and then is remorseful but it's too late, the room has been wrecked and you can't stay at public school if you can't be safe and school appropriate, but there's no other program for him this year and going home this week means lots of time alone.
I feel ineffective, and exhausted, and like I could spend 20 hours a day at school, trying to keep up with the meetings and the parent calls and the planning and the grading and the paperwork as it IS now annual review season and I will be writing IEPs imminently. (Luckily this year I only have 9 to write, thank goodness for small favors.)
But good news in the muck and the suck -- I had an amazing opportunity to use Virtual Reality headsets with my social studies class to visit the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island museum, and they LOVED it. My 12:1:1 social studies class is the absolute highlight of my day. Also, I am supremely thankful that I don't have other crises going on at the same time as this year -- I probably would have had to take a leave if I was also going through infertility or adoption with this caseload. I can give all my mom-ing to these kids, and my energy, without having to save any for a process that sucks the soul out of you as well.
I just feel like I don't have much left at the end of the day, today in particular.
I can only hope tomorrow is better, and hang on to the fact that February Break is two weeks away and we are in the second half of the school year, and know that I am doing everything I can to try to love on and support and do what's best for these students and the loads they carry that no 13-14 year old should have to. I hope that's enough.
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Can I cry with you? Because all of this sucks on so many levels. Why in the world isn’t there a program to help this emotionally challenged kid who needs more one-on-one to help him learn how to manage his outbreaks? And why aren’t more teachers aware of the home-suckage for these other students? I get you need them to meet a standard, but when the standard is stacked against severely dysfunctional families, the priority needs to be providing stability and support somewhere. Heck, that support could mean the difference between them breaking the cycle vs getting sucked in.
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry Jess. I’m glad that there were highlights with you students and it’s clear you are having a huge impact in their lives, but damn if it doesn’t make me want to cry too.
Sounds like you need some love and hugs too, so I'm sending them your way across the ether.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the stresses you deal with. But I do know that those kids will know, they will feel, that you're supportive and full of love, even if they can't or won't ever articulate that. But it really means something. I'm sure that doesn't make it easier. But you are making a difference every single day. I hope you know that.
Oh, Jess. My heart aches for this boy and for all who are trying to help him and who have to face his dysregulation.
ReplyDeleteYour students are so lucky to have your loving mom energy. Though it can take a toll. I hope today brings respite for you and for your students.
Please let me validate you. I've worked in many different schools and it's insane what a lot of kids' lives are like these days. It is really, really hard. For them and for their teachers.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing everything you can and you ARE being effective. That dysregulated kid you mentioned? You SAW him. You saw so much of him, not just the bad behavior, and you shared space with him. I'm not trying to be all "woo woo airy fairy" with my words, but that shit matters. Being a stable and unconditionally loving person in his life, for however short you two got to be together, matters. I believe this whole heartedly.
I also believe in self-care, so don't forget to do that. <3
Keep trying, keep crying (it's healthy!), and keep showing up. In addition to your non-blog world, you have a whole team of support here. We're here on the good days and the bad.
Oh, I'm sorry it was such a bad day. Heartbreaking to watch these kids struggle like they do. I'm so glad they have you in their life to love and support them. I know that can't be easy.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like a truly horrible day. So, so sad for the students that are dealing with many difficulties, traumas, and stresses. I'm so sorry for such a tough day for you. It's a good and difficult and amazing and heartbreaking thing you do day in and day out - truly, you continuing on in the face of so many obstacles to be there for those kids is incredible.
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of thoughts and hugs and hoping for better days. More highlights. And wishing you strength.
Oh Jess it would break my heart to those things, but I have no doubt that you are a calming, needed presence for these kids. What you do is so hard and yet so needed. Please make sure to take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteReading this post, I just wanted to give you a big (((hug))). I hope it's been a better week! Enjoy your upcoming break!
ReplyDeleteOh, Jess, you are so good at what you do that it must break your heart to see these kids suffer. They’re so lucky they have you as a teacher. You are wise, compassionate, caring...and you offer them unique educational experiences like the VR trip. You are one who feels deeply. It must be so hard for you to have to battle the system on their behalf. I’m so glad you do.
ReplyDeleteA little behind in commenting but I wanted to say that I am sorry you had such a tough week. How heartbreaking for those kids. They are so lucky to have you for an advocate. (((Hugs)))
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