Oh, uterus. You just have to get the last laugh, don't you?
The pain started in November -- like period cramps, but intermittently drop-you-to-the-floor severe. I made an appointment with my doctor who did my endomyometrial resection, because I am supposed to have an ultrasound yearly and I realized there wasn't one on the calendar, and when I went in, he told me there was a finding. A little bit of fluid hanging out in my uterus, which could be possibly my lining trying to grow back and then violently trying to escape its scarred prison, or...nothing of note. I was to make an appointment to come back in February.
It happened again after Christmas -- about 5 days of cramping and intermittent terrible pain, like I could actually feel my cervix and it was PISSED.
Today was my appointment. The pain started up again two days ago (what about that? I'm more regular than I ever have been in my life, still not, you know, REGULAR regular, but there's a bit of a pattern...), and I was glad because if it was failure, then it would be apparent.
It was apparent. I definitely have "not a small amount" of blood in my uterus, desperately trying to get out with no viable pathway, and so my cervix hurts because I'm literally having contractions. It feels like my uterus is trying to exit my body, like she's punching her way through scar tissue and determined to escape.
And I'm pissed.
Not at my doctor, he was very upfront when I had the procedure that I was on the younger side of the spectrum and it was more likely to fail (and who am I kidding? If there's a small percentage for weirdness, I will land squarely in that probability, every single time. Unless it's for money.).
My ire is entirely directed at my motherfucking uterus.
That little pear shaped organ has caused me pain, anguish, and trouble and what has she given me in return? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Clearly, all of this is bringing up a bit of baggage and trauma.
My options are:
1) Do nothing (a non-option as far as I am concerned, I am not of the "sometimes you just have hideous pain" sort)
2) Have a second surgical procedure to clean house, so to say, and either a) leave it at that (10-15% chance of recurrence) or b) three weeks later have an IUD put in, a new step in the process that was piloted THE MONTH AFTER MY PROCEDURE WAS DONE (why oh why am I always late to the party?) Recurrence is 5% with that option.
3) Have a partial hysterectomy -- just the uterus, keep the ovaries, single tube I have left, and my cervix. Rid myself of that evil pear once and for all.
It is tempting to choose Door #3 out of pure spite and vengeance. Take THAT, you ornery bitch. But, it is major surgery. It's no small feat, to lose an organ, even if you hate it.
So I suppose I should give it one more shot, one more chance with the new and improved process to attempt to tame the beast that is my broken babymaker. In the meantime, all the poking and prodding today has me more crampy than yesterday, and so I am a bit of a blubbery mess and off to eat a cheeseburger as a consolation prize.
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Oh wow, I'm really sorry you're going through this! I never hated my uterus, or was even particularly angry at it. But I can say that I said openly to some nurses that my uterus had never done anything to help me, so I was happy to see it go!
ReplyDeleteI still had my ovaries after my (partial) hysterectomy, but it certainly accentuated my menopause symptoms and played havoc with my hormones, which I hadn't expected. It was as if my ovaries went out on strike (as they had done during IVF, refusing to produce eggs!) when they saw what I was doing to my uterus! And I was ten years older than you are. So you don't want that now.
Good luck. Pain is horrible. And you shouldn't have to put up with it.
Oh gosh Jess...that is horrible!! Absolutely horrible, after everything you have already been through with it. I remember you writing about the removal of your endometrium and how horrific it was, and it’s just not fair you have to consider 3 crappy options.
ReplyDeleteI actually completely understand the pain you describe because I get like that during my latest miscarriage, literally feeling my cervix, and it’s beyond any kind of pain anyone should feel when a baby isn’t at the other end of it. To have it happen randomly to boot just bites the big one.
I hope that whatever option you choose gives you relief once and for all, and I hope it doesn’t include removing an organ. And I will toast you in all the uterus-hating you need to do. Damn it.
What a nightmare. Tough choice between #2 and #3. But definitely no to #1 and yes to cheeseburgers. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap! I'm sorry she's in pain and being such a pain. I think #2 sounds like a good option, too. How soon can you do this? Ugh.
ReplyDeleteUGHHHH, it is SO unfair that you're facing this choice. That sucks, sucks, sucks. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteWhatever option you choose, many, many hopes that it ends the pain, gives you a great quality of life, and that you can be done having complications once and for all. Wishing you healing and no more pain (and cheeseburgers, yay for cheeseburgers).
So sorry you are dealing with health issues again! I hope for the best possible outcome! also best wishes for dealing with all the other challenges at school etc. I have been reading but can't seem to comment anymore unless I'm at my laptop
ReplyDeleteUgh!! I am so sorry this ugliness has reared its head again, and I hope you find a good solution soon. AND, I hope you enjoyed that cheeseburger!! -- you earned it!
ReplyDeleteIt’s taken me so long to comment, but I’ve been thinking about you with this. Damnit, lady. Just damnit.
ReplyDeleteoh gosh, how awful. I wish that previous surgery could have been the end of it. I'm sorry you are faced with another procedure now. I hope whatever option you go for that there won't be anymore cramps or side effects!
ReplyDeleteI hope the cheeseburger soothed some.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you both.