Sunday, April 8, 2018

I Might Have Spoken Too Soon

Yesterday was a rough day.

I didn't handle it as amazingly as I handled Thursday.

I woke up in kind of a funk and just sort of wanted to curl up in my awesome giant fleece bathrobe that is sort of like wearing a fuzzy cocoon and lie facedown on the couch for I don't know, forever.

So, Saturday was the one year anniversary of truly hitting the breaking point and finding myself in a position where I could no longer pretend that everything was fine, that I was coping just great with the whiplash fast cycles of hope and despair that the adoption process was for us, that I could continue giving my all in school and not honor the fact that my losses and my ability to continue persevering were weighing me down to the point where I was drowning. I didn't want to give that anniversary the power to put me in a funk, and I had all these plans to make the day lovely:

- We were going to go check out gas fireplace options for our living room (since we have a lovely wood-burning fireplace but we haven't burnt wood in it in years, and when we go away and the room has a gas fireplace we hate the blue starter flame but love that you can have a cozy fire with the flip of a switch).
- We were going to go to a cooking store where Bryce has a gift certificate.
- We were going to go to the grocery store to get the fixings for the yummy dinner I'd planned to sort of combat the sadness of this time -- Bryce's delicious roast duck breast, red swiss chard, fingerling potatoes, some fancy cheeses and marcona almonds -- definitely not foods within the liver plan, but whatever, I am technically still on vacation. A girl's gotta live.
- I was meeting a friend to go see Love, Simon which would then give Bryce some time to get some researchy work done.
- When I got back, we'd have cheese and GF coconut shrimp and a little bubbly and then the duck extravaganza with a nice French burgundy.

Sounds great, right? Maybe fit the gym in there, too.

That is NOT what happened.

We checked out the fireplace stuff, but the fireplace shop was walking distance from my old house where I lived in a previous life, and I started to feel a little anxious then, a little icky, but I got over it as we drove back into the area that is now where this life is spent.

We couldn't go to the cooking shop since we forgot the gift certificate on the back of the couch by the cat, so we went to the grocery, and had a yummy salad lunch where I went a little topping-crazy and got an upcharge but it was totally delicious so I didn't mind. It was good, but I was a little worried about getting glutened. I didn't, though. Which was fortunate, because that would have totally escalated everything else.

Then we walked around to do the little shopping, and I'm not entirely sure when things went awry but I found myself in a bit of a flight-or-fight mindset.

It was crowded, and there were people with young children, but I think maybe I passed someone talking to her child who looked sort of familiar, like maybe a person from fertility groups past, and I started cycling in my head a bit about how Wegmans is the perfect place to see what life could have looked like had things worked out differently.

I mean, also we had duck and fancy goat brie and figs in our cart, and there was a lot of wipes and gallon milk and stuff in that cart, so you could probably imagine that others might see us and wonder what life would be like if things worked out differently, too... which helps me to feel a little better.

But it didn't stop me from all of a sudden feeling SUPER panicky and having my heartrate speed up and my breathing get all shallow. We were in the checkout line and Bryce asked, "Um, are you okay? You look...off," and my eyes welled up with tears I wasn't sure I could stop and I just said, "I don't want to talk about it now but I really need to get out of here and I don't think I can do the movie."

So he switched places with me and chatted with the cashier while I looked elsewhere and tried to surreptitiously wipe the tears that were running silently down my face, and thought that honestly, I couldn't really pinpoint any one thing.

I was just sad.

And panicky.

So I ducked out of the movie and sent Bryce in to find my friend (who fortunately was also meeting someone else so it's not like I ruined the day there) and I stayed in the car and sent a text that basically said I wasn't public-okay and needed to go home, but her phone is a flippy thing and she couldn't read it so it was good that Bryce found her inside the cinema.

We went home, and I cried, and I couldn't put into words why exactly, and then I got into pajamas and laid down on the couch and fell asleep for about two hours.

I felt like the old pit opened up underneath me for a moment in time.

After waking up I felt way better though, and got some food ready. We played a game all night that was "make a Google Music playlist of songs that are just a woman's first name" and it lasted HOURS. There are a LOT of songs like that. It was highly entertaining to follow "Cecilia" with "Jenny From the Block." I danced around and ate my face off and felt much better.

But today I am feeling a little panicky again. I'm home, and I'm getting the house ready for the book club on Tuesday where we'll talk about I Am, I Am, I Am, and I'll make white chicken chili and salad and pick up wine tomorrow. It feels overwhelming. Going back to school tomorrow feels overwhelming. I didn't do ANYTHING over the break, and I feel like I need to get in and make sure I'm in good shape for tomorrow, but I just have this feeling of having a bunch of nameless stuff pushing down on me, leaving me feeling a little crushed, a little compressed, and out of breath.

This will pass. I know it will. I will get back into a routine and have order in my days again and that will be comforting. I will have my last IEP meeting on Tuesday (which I realized is on the same day as state tests and so the timing of classes is wayyy off, which will be interesting). We are starting an interdisciplinary unit on WWII in both my English classes, so things will be super interesting for the next 3-4 weeks. And then it will be May.

Maybe the weather has me down, too. It's cold, and snowy, and gray. The spring bulbs have just sort of paused themselves. Everything feels on hold.

Anyway, this post feels rambly and somewhat depressing, and basically is a way for me to attempt to purge this sense of unsettledness from my psyche. And also to show that some days you feel awesome and in control of everything and like acceptance and healing are totally your thing, and then other days you sink a bit into an old pit that was just lurking, waiting for you to slip.

Except now I know that there is a way out, and that this is temporary, and normal, and a part of all that healing and acceptance. Hopefully tomorrow is better.

18 comments:

  1. Lady, you are being too hard on yourself. Your entire being knows this anniversary and the fact you were able to get out of the house (and your bathrobe) is more than most would have been able to accomplish.

    Please be kind to yourself. Yes, you are rocking the healing and moving on, but this is LOSS. A year ago you buried the life you envisioned. Anyone who is flippant with the gravity of that deserves a kick in the head.

    Personally, I think you’ve been doing an amazing job, including honoring what your heart can and cannot handle. In the years that come this will change, but for now you should feel proud of the care you are taken for yourself and your family.

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    1. Oh, thank you. I am not good at being kind to myself. It felt so overwhelming, you know? And today was better. Getting back into the routine of things...better. Still a little panicky, and wondering if perhaps I need to adjust doses... but today was sort of a nourishing type day, and that helped a lot. Thank you so much for the love and support!

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  2. I'm so sorry you had a bad day, Jess -- but please don't beat yourself up too much. A year is not a really long time in the grand scheme of things, especially when you have been thinking about children and planning a family for almost your entire previous life -- and marking those "firsts" can be really, really hard. (Not to mention, yes, the weather...!) You have come an amazingly long way in that short period, so give yourself credit! (And take a mental health day tomorrow, if you're still not feeling great.) We all have our bad days (some worse than others). The good thing is that, over time, they start to become further & fewer between. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you -- beating myself up is sort of a pastime, heh. I wish I could take a mental health day, but the first day after a break had better be a serious emergency to take it off and with state tests and my last IEP meeting this week, I couldn't even if I felt it was necessary. But it actually felt good to be back in school, back into a "normal" routine. I think too much time off leaves me wallowy and mopey after a while when the weather is so awful... Sunshine would really help! As does knowing that this ebbs and flows and a year isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things.

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  3. "Except now I know that there is a way out, and that this is temporary, and normal, and a part of all that healing and acceptance."

    Exactly. When the bad moments come, as they do, as they will, you now know it is temporary. It is, though, important not to beat yourself up and get critical about not being as healed as you thought. I do remeber that feeling too! I wrote a bunch of posts on my messageboard that started with, "I spoke too soon." You are certainly not alone in that.

    This is so perfectly normal, anniversaries of any trauma are so hard, that it's not surprising you had a bit of a melt-down. A year is, in many ways, not much time at all. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for how far you have come, for recognising when things get too much, and for having hope for the future. And give yourself a virtual hug and all the love in the world to honour what you've been through and to comfort yourself for the hurt you still feel.

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    1. That makes me feel SO much better that you had posts like that, too, that you felt like "whoop, I guess I'm not as well-adjusted as I thought, huh..." at times too. I will have to be nicer to myself (although it wasn't good for the liver plan, I had a Five Guys cheeseburger and fries for dinner, which was a great "reward" for making it through the day at school). Thanks for the support!

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  4. It's ok to be sad. Or panicky. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way.

    From an outsider's perspective - you're doing an amazing job in refocusing your life!

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    1. Thank you... I'm really good at putting pressure on myself, especially for feeling a certain way. :( Thank you for your compliments! Today was better. I so appreciate the support.

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  5. I remember this. One day, just a seemingly normal and insignificant day, I fell apart. I woke up feeling off but proceeded about my day until I found myself just crying and crying. Part of me left my body, floated above myself, and thought: "Hmmm... I wonder what this is about" while the rest of me went to bed as I shook while I sobbed. It came out of NOWHERE. And then I grabbed my planner. I looked at the date. I remembered the date of my first IVF embryo transfer (which, as an aside, shouldn't it really be called a blastocyst transfer?), counted forward the number days I had to wait for my first blood test, and, bam, there it was. It was exactly one year after my first IVF didn't result in pregnancy. Getting that phone call from the nurse saying "I'm sorry, you're not pregnant" killed a part of me and I hung up the phone, collapsed on the floor, and WAILED for I don't remember how long. It was definitely one of the worst days of my life. And I think my psyche blacked out the date. Until, of course, one year later when my body wouldn't forget. So that's what happened there. I didn't even know it was the first anniversary of my first IVF not working, but there I was crying and shivering in bed. The body remembers. When it's not tragic, it's kind of amazing and cool. Anyway, so how's that for a long rambly comment? These things happen. (Both tears from an unknown source and rambly comments) All we can do is be patient with ourselves, feel our feelings even if we don't understand them, and do the best we can in the moment. Lots of Love to you, Jess <3

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    1. I guess your body just knows the timing of things! That is a crazy in-tune-with-the-universe story. I'm so sorry you know how this feels. I so appreciate your rambly comment (the best kind I think) and your sharing your own moments of back in the pit, and the love. Thank you!

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  6. I agree with Cristy: cut yourself some slack! That is one busy day and I think you get credit for doing half the stuff. And it’s ok to be sad. And distracted. We are here to validate you even if the broader world doesn’t always.

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    1. Oh yes, I SO appreciate the validation! It is something else to feel all down in the dumps and then have a whole cheerleading section reminding you that you are actually doing okay, and having a bad couple of days is perfectly normal. Thank you! School helps too, ironically -- having a normal schedule and other people to get motivated really, really helped today.

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  7. I know that you were so excited last week to have done so well with the adoption agency and taxes- both two really hard things, but sometimes when you least expect it things creep up on you...even if there is no specific trigger. This is perfectly normal and doesn't mean that you aren't healing. You are only a short year away from changing your life and life goals drastically. Take care of yourself and don't be so hard on yourself!

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    1. Thank you so much -- that's exactly how it felt -- like I'd been all "oooh, I'm killing it" and then BAM! Smacked in the face in a sneak attack! I am terrible at being good to myself and not beating myself up. So hopefully I can do better. Thanks for the support!

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  8. The ebb and flow of emotions have no reason. I think you handle this the best way possible, which is to let them have their way with know, knowing that they will pass. And the less resistance you offer, the faster they pass.

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  9. Sometimes the emotions just sneak up and grab you without warning. It makes total sense that you'd have rough moments - you and Bryce had an enormous loss. Speaking from personal experience, I've had times I've gotten through the 'big' stuff that *should* have triggered me (by all rational measures)and been fine but then had a really upset/sad/difficult day with something out of the blue that seems 'small'. Being upset/sad/etc is totally normal after such a huge loss, and grief is not linear. Here's hoping that you're able to continue taking care of yourself and for easier days ahead.

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  10. Sorry you got bombarded by emotions. Glad you had some good food and fast fun to fuel the way out.

    Hope your coming days are full of good food and fast fun.

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  11. Anniversaries of great loss and deep pain are so difficult to endure. You do it with such grace. Hopefully each year will be just a tiny bit better.

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