What has changed?
Hoo boy, LOADED QUESTION.
I was actually thinking about this yesterday, when I was (FINALLY) outside in the garden, weeding.
You see, last year at this time I could not garden the way I normally do, because I was trying to scoop my goo together and back into something resembling functioning human-like form. We actually hired out some of the weeding (which killed me a little on the inside, because I really REALLY love to weed) because it was so overwhelming to me to be outside in full view of the neighbors whilst in my gooey state. I just couldn't do it all.
The difference between last year and this year is INCREDIBLE. Last year I was slowly crawling out of the deepest pit I'd ever landed myself in, and this year I stumble into smaller pits from time to time, but I am no longer in a place of horrid uncertainty, of the pain of feeling constantly rejected in our family building efforts, and not knowing how much we had left to give our quest (and knowing deep down that we had reached the point where the price was too high).
I am whole this year. I am celebrating the climb out of the pit, the ability to reclaim my house and my yard and my life from years of "but what if..." that never became something real.
So what has changed? EVERYTHING -- and while it's been a difficult loss that knocks me to the floor on occasion, it's been such a freeing thing to see how much lighter I am this year than last (and not just because I'm down 9 pounds now). I feel unburdened, and centered, and no longer unmoored.
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