What has changed?
Hoo boy, LOADED QUESTION.
I was actually thinking about this yesterday, when I was (FINALLY) outside in the garden, weeding.
You see, last year at this time I could not garden the way I normally do, because I was trying to scoop my goo together and back into something resembling functioning human-like form. We actually hired out some of the weeding (which killed me a little on the inside, because I really REALLY love to weed) because it was so overwhelming to me to be outside in full view of the neighbors whilst in my gooey state. I just couldn't do it all.
The difference between last year and this year is INCREDIBLE. Last year I was slowly crawling out of the deepest pit I'd ever landed myself in, and this year I stumble into smaller pits from time to time, but I am no longer in a place of horrid uncertainty, of the pain of feeling constantly rejected in our family building efforts, and not knowing how much we had left to give our quest (and knowing deep down that we had reached the point where the price was too high).
I am whole this year. I am celebrating the climb out of the pit, the ability to reclaim my house and my yard and my life from years of "but what if..." that never became something real.
So what has changed? EVERYTHING -- and while it's been a difficult loss that knocks me to the floor on occasion, it's been such a freeing thing to see how much lighter I am this year than last (and not just because I'm down 9 pounds now). I feel unburdened, and centered, and no longer unmoored.
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Woo hoo!! What a wonderful, celebratory post.
ReplyDeleteBrava, Jess!
Apologies for overuse of the exclamation marks. (Yes, we call them marks, not points.)
Thank you! I love the exuberance of your many exclamation marks!
DeleteHey Jess, I'm not blogging much but just nipping on to see how people are. I am so glad to read that you're celebrating the climb out of the pit. Being permanently 'on hold' is no way to live. So happy to hear you're unburdened. Things can only get better, as the man said.
ReplyDeleteSo nice to see you! Yes, the climb out of the pit deserves some freaking champagne, right? It wasn't any way to live. It's wonderful to be unburdened. I hope things are well with you!
DeleteIt is so freeing to look back on a year of positive change! Hurrah for that and for spring finally!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Yes, happiness is feeling in a better place today than this day last year, for sure. And daffodils can't hurt. :)
DeleteWhat a difference a year can make, eh??! So glad you can look back & see how far you have come! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThank you! Oh, yes. It's a year that feels like a decade, but what a change from the pit-dwelling awfulness of ending things to now, when we are making our new life. Thanks for the hugs, right back atcha!
DeleteReclaiming. Woohoo! Thanks for showing how to do it so well and so authentically.
ReplyDeleteThanks! It feels like a whole boatload of "woohoo." <3
DeleteIt is nothing short of amazing how you were able to gather your goo and become whole again, all in just 12 little months. Incredible!!! Thank you for sharing with us along the way. I think sharing what we've been through and what we continue to go through helps all of us. <3
ReplyDelete