Sunday, April 15, 2018

I Am Not A Ballerina (but sometimes I think I am)

Let me take a little pause from the difficulties of April to tell you a story.

When I was in high school, my two best friends (let's call them Carrie and Hannah for simplicity's sake) and I decided it would be fun to go to a dance studio and take some lessons. None of us had taken any dance since we were maybe five, doing the obligatory ballet-and-tap combo where you run around with scarves, but we all thought this was an AMAZING idea.

When I was five, I sucked at the dancing. I was not coordinated. My joints were awful. I don't remember anyone saying, "Ah, she's going to be the next Anna Pavlova!" I knew who Anna Pavlova was because she was featured in this beautiful coloring book I had featuring her doing gorgeous arabesques in different costumes (Swan Lake! Firebird!). Despite not having done any kind of dance since I was a chubby little kindergartner, I still really loved dancing.

I remember a girl in choir telling me that I had dancer's feet, and in my head a little voice squealed, "I AM A CLOSET BALLERINA! This is my DESTINY!" I loved the book Dancing Shoes by Noel Streatfeild. I loved the idea of being a sneak attack star. I had that picture book, The Little Ballerina, which made me want to install a broomstick barre in the basement and do all the positions with my feet. I mean, she had joint issues too, and turned out to be amazing! It could happen, right?


Look! She's in toe shoes, after less than a year of lessons!

So when we were deciding which dance classes to take at the studio that gave you a punch card and free reign to pop into any introductory classes, I was like, "LET'S DO BALLET!"

Hannah was totally with me on that one, but Carrie was more hesitant, saying, "I don't know, I think tap would be a lot more fun. Why don't we do tap?"

"Why don't we try BOTH and see which we like better?" I proposed, and so we went to a ballet class.

Ballet I.

As soon as we walked into the studio I knew I was in trouble.

The girls were tall, lean, and lithe, with obvious backgrounds in dance. They stretched impossibly at the bar and on the floor, and I felt like all of them were watching me and wondering why on earth I had wandered into this particular class. Carrie and Hannah were both thinner than me, and Hannah ran track with me (her idea to increase our odds of getting into "good" colleges, I did it because you didn't have to try out for track) and she was athletic. I didn't yet know I had PCOS and while I was much, much thinner than I am now, I had boobs and butt and my ever-present belly.

We started at the barre, and I was actually pretty flexible (although my hips turn in better than they turn out). We stood and did plies in different positions, and the teacher, who I remember as older and French and scary, came over and pushed on my stomach and my butt, hissing, "Suck it IN! Straighter! IN!"

I laughed and said, "I'm sorry, but this is as far in as it goes! There IS no more in!"

At this point I knew that ballet was NOT going to be my thing, I wasn't a secret ballerina, and I was giggling to the point of possibly snorting, along with my more lithe and coordinated friends.

The worst was yet to come.

One of the last things we did in class (because we were determined to stay the whole time) was to do this running leaping arabesque thing across the floor. I watched as all these other girls effortlessly ran and leaped, landing with a soft sound like they were sacks of feathers. And I felt a little dread at the pit of my stomach.

My friends went before me, and they landed louder than the others but were graceful enough.

And then I went, and I felt like as I landed the mirrors shook on the walls and the other dance classes must have stopped to see if there was an earthquake. I have to point out, I weighed probably 128 at this point in my life, but graceful I was not. I did not even remotely know how to land softly, like a delicate sack of feathers.

I landed like a tutu-wearing hippo in Fantasia.

When we left, we were overcome with giggles. I was totally ready for tap, where the more noise you made, the better. Maybe it wouldn't be as awful as I remembered from being five.

Tap was AMAZING. I felt coordinated(ish). I could do the steps, eventually. I made all the right kind of noises. AND, it was a much smaller class, with a lot of middle-aged ladies (oh god, probably middle aged ladies at that time in my mind were younger than I am now... sheesh) and a teacher who was a former Rockette. We belonged. And I stuck with it for a couple years, which helped me land a role as an Angel in Anything Goes my senior year of high school.

I still wasn't the most graceful of the bunch, but I loved it. Surprisingly, I was relatively good at it. I didn't fit AT ALL as a ballerina, but I did pretty okay as a tap dancer. I just had to wear a good sports bra.

Now, I find myself itching to dance again. I still remember parts of routines from high school, and I love pretending to be a ballerina in my house, since so many of my pilates/yoga/dance fusion fitness DVDs have ballet-like moves in them, and we listen to a lot of classical music. I am probably going to injure myself leaping around the living room, but I have this urge to do it. And so I do. I also dance around my classrooms frequently, which makes some students say, "you are the happiest teacher I've ever had; you're always dancing around" and others say, "Oh god, why is she dancing again? Aaaaargghhhh!" After the talent show when some girls did amazing Irish dance routines, I tried my hand at it. I ended up on the floor. So maybe no Irish dance. But I must say, I am capable of good balance and I can do a mean high kick.

There is a studio near me that opened up that is women only and has various dance classes, including...TAP. I feel like it could be really fun to sign up for a class, but I am a little afraid of feeling like I did in that ballet class -- like I have the wrong body, the wrong skill set. And now I'm old(er). More prone to  busting up something. But, what do I have to lose? Did being a Fantasia hippo kill me? No. So I should totally look into starting the next session. I should get myself some tap shoes. What I like about this studio is that it sounds like the place I went to in high school -- not a super competitive dance studio, but a place to go have fun and dance your little heart out, once a week for an hour.

I have an inner dancer, and she's dying to come out. Maybe this studio will be the right fit. Maybe I can let her out without breaking any bones or spraining any muscles. Maybe this will be the ticket to [continuing to] get my body in better shape, along with the gym and my tapes. I just have to get over my fears and commit. Maybe I am a secret 40-something tap prodigy. How will I know if I don't sign up?

16 comments:

  1. My vote is to try it out! Not that I get a vote, but you know what I mean! What do you have to lose? Not a single thing. Compared to your trials of the last year, this is nothing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm going to do it! I emailed the studio, and they have a special deal with a dance shoe shop in early May, so birthday present to myself this will be! :)

      Delete
  2. OMG just do it!! Too bad you don’t live in my city because we have such a great adult dance studio here. I love our stepdance teacher. I have never taken ballet there but they have a class called “ballet for the totally terrified” lol. But anyway, even if the studio is not quite as awesome as mine you should still try. Dance is good for you in so many ways and it’s ok to be a little out of the comfort zone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought of you and the stepdancing -- I wish we had something like that, because it looks like a lot of fun, but tap looks pretty similar in some ways. "Ballet for the totally terrified," hilarious! Yes. This fits my goal for this year of doing things that scare me (just enough, nothing crazy). Thanks for the encouragement!

      Delete
  3. Definitely try it out! If you hate it then you don't have to go back and you probably won't know anyone in the class anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True! Rochester is a very, very small world though and I suspect that I will run into people I know. Actually, one of the instructors is a music teacher in my district and the woman who runs it is the daughter of a teacher who was my mentor when I taught at the high school! There is no anonymity here, methinks. But, I can always try it and if my knees blow up, well, I tried! I'm excited for this adventure.

      Delete
  4. Echoing above! Yes, dancing involves technique, but what really makes a great dancer is having heart. You clearly have it! So don’t hold back and I cannot wait to hear how your first class went.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! I definitely have heart and enthusiasm, if not natural talent or awesome flexibility. :) I am hoping that this is an amazing opportunity to stretch my comfort zone and do something fun for myself, out and about. It may have the side effect of making me TRULY insufferable in the classroom... :)

      Delete
  5. Do it! :) I'd love to hear about it! I think we stop doing things as adults that bring us joy, especially physical things. Dance classes, adult gymnastics, kickball leagues... They all exist for a reason: they're really fun and a good way to stay active. I know I'm looking forward to trying some new classes and activities after I move. I'm looking forward to hearing about your dance class!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the encouragement! I am going to start in May, as a birthday present to myself (and to take advantage of a discount sale at the slipper shop, as I need new tap shoes). Good point about all the adult fun things -- why should these kinds of classes be just for kids? I hope this is a good experience and that you find something you'll have fun doing when you move, also!

      Delete
  6. My take home from this post (and really all of them)?? You are an absolutely adorable person. Your husband and friends and family are lucky to have you❤️❤️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww, thanks so much! You made me smile, this is truly a comment that feels like a big fat hug. Thank you for your kind words! I feel like one of the best things about being in my 40s is that I truly have no shame anymore, so dancing around my classroom (and anywhere, really) might embarrass my students but brings me great joy. Maybe in part because it does embarrass them! :) I am fortunate to be surrounded by such wonderful, loving, supportive people as well. Thanks so much!

      Delete
  7. Good grief, you are such a great storyteller.

    I'm all for trying it out. I've taken up zumba in recent years, and dang, does it feel good to move in these ways. Who cares what I look like doing it? All my effs were given in previous years.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh my goodness! That's so awesome! Do it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Good for you!! That sounds like fun! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yes! Try it out, and Dance! Do what brings you joy.

    ReplyDelete