I'm in a Young Adult Book Club, where teachers and staff get to read new YA literature and discuss it so we can recommend it to kids and keep current. So, naturally, November's book was Turtles All the Way Down by John Green (you know him from The Fault in Our Stars, or Paper Towns, and he is amazing).
One of the teachers in my hallway stopped me a week ago and said, "Have you read Turtles All the Way Down yet? Can you get it into it? Does it get better?" [I loved it, in case you were wondering]
And I said, "Well, um..."
"You FINISHED it, didn't you!"
"Yes," I replied, and before I could say more she said,
"Well of course, because you don't have kids, you can read more!" and then disappeared back into her room, leaving me more than a little flabbergasted.
Because she knows me, if not super well, then well enough to know that I DON'T HAVE KIDS FOR A REASON, and that reason is painful and a terrible loss and really not a hallway-flyby sort of matter.
What I was going to say was that I finished it because I coerced the librarian into giving me my copy of the book several weeks early, because I was dying to read it. And yes, I finished it quickly, and yes, having no children at homeprobably definitely does make it easier for me to read voraciously (I read a book a day over Thanksgiving break, which was possible in part because I was (am) sick and so couldn't really do anything else, not that I wanted to).
But, it threw me off how flippantly she said, "It's because you don't have kids at home."
On the other hand, maybe I am just so well-adjusted (publicly) from this grief and loss that people can forget about the horrorshow that was last year and the pain of the last 8 years, particularly if they didn't know me that well during most of it, and so she said that because she CAN forget that I don't have kids because I tried just about every way you can and hit roadblocks every. single. time. Because it's not apparent, because I am not a sad sap, because I appear (and I am) happy.
The librarian actually said that today, "You look so upbeat lately, I keep meaning to ask how you're doing with all the transition and that part of your life being over, but I keep forgetting because you seem so happy."
There's no seem about it. I am happy. And I am grateful that a side effect of my loss is unabridged reading time -- that's a positive I'll take!
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One of the teachers in my hallway stopped me a week ago and said, "Have you read Turtles All the Way Down yet? Can you get it into it? Does it get better?" [I loved it, in case you were wondering]
And I said, "Well, um..."
"You FINISHED it, didn't you!"
"Yes," I replied, and before I could say more she said,
"Well of course, because you don't have kids, you can read more!" and then disappeared back into her room, leaving me more than a little flabbergasted.
Because she knows me, if not super well, then well enough to know that I DON'T HAVE KIDS FOR A REASON, and that reason is painful and a terrible loss and really not a hallway-flyby sort of matter.
What I was going to say was that I finished it because I coerced the librarian into giving me my copy of the book several weeks early, because I was dying to read it. And yes, I finished it quickly, and yes, having no children at home
But, it threw me off how flippantly she said, "It's because you don't have kids at home."
On the other hand, maybe I am just so well-adjusted (publicly) from this grief and loss that people can forget about the horrorshow that was last year and the pain of the last 8 years, particularly if they didn't know me that well during most of it, and so she said that because she CAN forget that I don't have kids because I tried just about every way you can and hit roadblocks every. single. time. Because it's not apparent, because I am not a sad sap, because I appear (and I am) happy.
The librarian actually said that today, "You look so upbeat lately, I keep meaning to ask how you're doing with all the transition and that part of your life being over, but I keep forgetting because you seem so happy."
There's no seem about it. I am happy. And I am grateful that a side effect of my loss is unabridged reading time -- that's a positive I'll take!
Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!
It is quite the testament that you seem( are ) happy. You have worked hard to survive and thrive. Bravura.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It is hard work. Sometimes I go back and read where I was, so that I can appreciate where I am...if that makes any sense. :)
DeleteWell, I'm glad to hear you are happy and coming across that way! However that comment about you having more reading time because you don't have kids would sting a bit and seems insensitive! I would say something next time someone says something like that if you get the chance.
ReplyDeleteThank you! It was TOTALLY insensitive. I think I was hit by a bit of shock and the window for saying something left...but next time I will totally make it clear how inappropriate that comment is to my situation. Normally I don't have issues with that! :)
DeleteYou’re happy because you did a lot of hard work to get to happy. There’s nothing easy about that and you should be proud.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I would pull your coworker aside and tell her her comment was hurtful. She needs to hear it. Even though she’ll start protesting, shut her down. What she did was passive aggressive and very inappropriate. Despite it being clear she’s not happy with her life at the moment.
Thank you so much -- it was hard work. Is hard work. :) I think the window for pulling her aside this time has closed, but I can totally be sure to say something if there is a next time (which there probably will be). My school is very parent-centric -- everyone is very much assuming that everyone has children, and when we had a union meeting about declining enrollment they actually said, SO THOSE OF YOU WITHOUT CHILDREN, GET CRACKING! HAVE MORE! Um, nevermind not all of us LIVE where we teach. Or that that's a serious boundary crossing. Ew. I promise to say something next time!
DeleteWhat a clueless, clueless woman (how she talks to you, not that she intuits that you're happy)
ReplyDeleteYup. In her own world I would say, on that one. I'm fairly certain that she would have felt horrible had I called her on it, but sheesh.
DeleteTerrible! Some people will just never be happy. (the teacher, not the librarian; the librarian was exceptionally considerate)
ReplyDeleteI hate that some people assume my life is a nonstop party because I don't have kids, but I'm also not going to explain myself and my life all the time to everyone. When I do feel like commenting I'll say something in conversation like, "Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I don't have an adult life full of adult responsibilities."
How people treat us is all about them and not about us, but it's hard to remember that in the moment.
Isn't my librarian amazing? I am lucky to count her as a friend. OMG yes to your middle paragraph. Life is NOT a nonstop party, and we ARE very much adults with adult responsibilities, thankyouverymuch. People really don't seem to get that. And yes to the last line, too -- speaks to consternation about your own life to jab out that comment so quickly, but man so not cool in the moment. Grrr.
DeleteUm, that's a weird comment. Apart from dismissing your situation, it's annoying when people act like they want to open a conversation and then shut it down by not listening to what you have to say and/or rambling on about themselves.
ReplyDeleteCharitably, perhaps your colleague was so scatter brained by what was going on with her day she couldn't string two coherent thoughts together? (I know I get that way sometimes at work and can only hope people don't take it personally)
I'm glad you're happy and sorry you still have to deflect a lot of thoughtlessness!
Right? It was like, "I'm going to say something hurtful that I may not realize is hurtful, and then POOF! Disappear!" I definitely don't think the comment was intended to be hurtful, just careless. If I'd said something she'd probably be horrified. I blame school day amnesia, but also a sort of dismissive feeling towards people without children that seems to run rampant, culturally. Hopefully the jabs are few and far between in the coming days!
DeleteI think people forget. They forget how much time has passed. They forget that others have been in pain. They're so focused on themselves, that garbage spews from their mouths.
ReplyDeleteAnd so - to me at least - it seems that your teacher was obviously embarrassed that she hadn't finished the book, and maybe hadn't enjoyed it (for any number of reasons, but perhaps she read it feeling guilty because she had other things to do), and felt guilty about all of this, and so decided (probably unconsciously) that attack is the best form of defence. Her comments said so much about her, and so little about you.
And yes, I can of course understand how painful her comment (and, I am sure, tone) must have been, because we are all on the other end of comments like that.
I love your librarian for saying what she said!
And I love too that you are able to see the joy in having time to read (which doesn't mean you are joyful you don't have children), that you can embrace the benefits of this life, so soon. Because it is soon, all things considering, and I'm really impressed, and a little bit proud. So I hope you give yourself a pat on the back for this.
What a fantastically terrible comment by your coworker. So sorry you had to hear that.
ReplyDeleteSuper glad that you have done the work to be happy though!
She didn't. No she didn't. That makes my blood boil. I've gotten that comment—mainly from things like "Well I have to leave work early—I have sick kids. You'll understand when you have them." Throat. Punch. For the record I still read. Clearly not as much as I used to, but I read quite a bit. Enough to stupidly feel guilty when another mom says to me, "I don't have time to read!" Well I make the time. Because it's my most favorite thing to do ever. So no. It has nothing to do with "being too busy with kids." Ugh.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow. That is such an incredibly insensitive comment. I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. It's awful when those sorts of gut-punches come out of nowhere.
ReplyDeleteI thought I had already commented on this... I hate those snide "it's because you don't have kids" comments & have been on the receiving end of a few myself. :p I want to say, "Ummmm, you remember WHY I don't have kids, don't you??" I really believe people just don't think when they spew out those kinds of comments.
ReplyDeleteYour librarian, on the other hand, sounds like a lovely person. We need more of her around!