Monday, September 4, 2017

Who I Am

The beginning of the school year is a funny time. I feel an incredible degree of anticipation (and a fair amount of anxiety) for the new year. Teaching is like a miracle of rebirth -- you have this whole year to build up a community and have your classroom evolve into a brand new microcosm, and then it ends you start again with a different group the following year. You could do the same exact thing every year (but why would you?) and it would still be completely different because of the different personalities, the different climate of the world around us, the different groups of students, the different dynamics of parents, and clearly yourself -- the world builder. I love this about teaching, that it's got a sort of life cycle of its own, and every year is a new chance to have an amazing time with a new group of young people, teaching and learning and growing together.

I am really struggling with some dynamics of this coming year, though...and I am hoping that this anxiety will be short-lived and that this year will be the hardest of all the ones to come because it is a year of transition.

It's the first time I am starting a new year as a full-time, probationary/tenured teacher that I am not embroiled in family building (unless you count the continuing mystery of embryo adoption/donation). And I so recently was. That was so much of my identity, and now it is gone, past tense instead of present and future.

Which wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't so open about our journey, or if I didn't have students who are younger siblings of students I had when I had to give the "my phone could ring at any time" spiel, or if it was true as I thought that our websites from last year were going away at the beginning of the year rather than December, so it still says that we are "patiently waiting for the call that will change our lives" when that is just not true anymore. When asked "do you have kids?" I won't get to say "not yet" or "hopefully soon" or "we're working on it," I'm left with, "No." or "I have cats." or "That didn't quite work out as expected."

It wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't have FOUR things that I have to redo because of this change:

- My website (we are switching to google sites, and I am woefully behind, but my About Me page won't have any mention of kids or their possibility.)
- My Quotes To Inspire Poster (in resource, now work lab this year, I had students pick a quote to lift them up on tough days and surround it with pictures (drawn or printed and colored) that share stuff about who they are -- mine had "MYSTERY BABY" on it with a pink and a blue question mark...clearly can't use that one anymore.)
- My letter for the gen ed English class where I am the consultant teacher (The English teacher I work with has this wonderful start to the year activity where he (and now me, too) writes a letter to the students about beginnings, family of origin, education, career, family, hopes for the year and then we have the students write one back to us. They tell us a TON about the kids. In the interest of being honest and showing that things sometimes take a turn you don't expect, I include my divorce and then  finding Mr. Jess, and then I mentioned the cats and our quest for parenthood through adoption. CLEARLY I have to edit that one. Working on it today and tomorrow and hoping to get it to a place where it is still honest but doesn't make people question my sense of boundaries...ha HA ha ha.)
- My project for my self-contained English Class, Who I Am. Oh, Who I Am. I did it for the first time last year, based on a very short personal essay in the literature textbook called "Who You Are" by Jean Little. It talks about how you can be a million different things and it's okay to not want to define yourself in ORs but instead with ANDs (I hear it in Lori Lavender Luz's voice all the time). That you can be an airline pilot AND a lighthouse keeper in your mind, that now is a time of possibility and you don't have to lock yourself in to one identity...and the identity you see for yourself may be different than what people perceive on the outside. It's short but powerful and I use it as a model text for the students' first piece of writing for me.

Naturally, I write one about myself, too. And again my adoption journey made an appearance, and my hopes for a family of my own beyond me and Bryce. Because that's been so much of Who I Am.

So WHO AM I, now?

Now that I am not striving for something that just didn't come to pass, now that I am not beating my bloodied forehead against a wall without actually going through the door I'd wanted? Now that I had years of trauma and unhappiness trying to get through a door that apparently didn't exist for me, but once I took the other door (for the source of all this door talk, please go to Mali's amazing post about Infertility's Waiting Room, which is a must-read) I found a peace and the promise of a new life, although not the one I thought I'd have?

I think it's so important for students to know that you can work at something and have it not work out, and that you can BE OKAY if this happens. You can adjust your sails, or brush off the ginormous pile of shit you've landed in and take a different, less shit-laden path (yeah, probably going with the sails one if I'm going to address this with 13 year olds). I don't think I have to talk ovaries and miscarriages or anything, but it's okay for me to say we wanted kids and it didn't work out in the end after trying so many things and becoming exhausted in ways I didn't quite know were possible. That life goes on, and it can find a way to be beautiful.

So who am I? 

I'm a teacher who cares not only about her students' academic learning but the development of their character.

I'm a beloved wife of a beloved husband and in awe of the life we've built together, the parts that have worked out better than we'd hoped and the parts that are metamorphosing from the goo of our personal tragedies.

I'm a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, daughter-in-law, cousin, friend, Mother of Cats.

I am a gardener, a cultivator of green things and fluttery and slithery things that come to visit my wild(ish) spaces.

I am a creator of cozy spaces in my home.

I am the creator of music (when I pick up the violin that has been fairly dormant recently, shame shame shame).

I am a reader, an escapee into different worlds both totally invented and incredibly true.

I am a writer, telling my story with honesty and a smidgen of dark humor. Putting it out there to both not feel so alone in all this and to help other people not feel so alone, to shed a little light on what it's like to not always get what you want, to end up "empty handed" at the end of the day (although my hands are often full of cat, and dirt, and Bryce's broad shoulders or stubbly face, and keyboard, and thin paper pages...).


The beginning of the school year is hard, but beautiful in all the possibilities that await. I will figure out how to rewrite the things that need rewriting in a way that is professional yet is true to who I am, and how things can turn out -- messy but beautiful, petals and thorns, and unfurling buds of all the good stuff to come.


This is not in any way a microblog, but if you'd like to read some actual concise posts, go here and enjoy! :)

16 comments:

  1. I think you have the beginnings of your answers here....your "who am I" is very beautifully said. I can see how challenging it would be to find the right level of openness for young teenagers. Infertility is probably not something overly relevant to them at the moment. But as I was reading this I was thinking how important it is to learn that while ones life may not turn out as expected or wanted, it can still be a good, worthwhile life. Your students are at the age where they will start to realize that all their dreams may not come true. How to take those hard lessons and turn them into something powerful and strengthening? I think you can teach them a lot about that, and maybe they won't feel so alone in some of those very lonely moments of adolescence.

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    1. Thank you so much, it really is a challenging balance. I went with "After nearly 8 years of difficulty and sadness, we decided to become a family of two." There's something creepy in saying you tried to have children for x years, or in every possible way, because minds tend to be dirty! :) And absolutely to admitting that you don't always get what you want or dream, but that it's not the end...it's survivable and character-building. <3

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  2. I love this. I love that you are honest to your students, letting them know that life has its ups but also its downs too, and that that's okay. I 100% agree with torthuil's last sentence. Good luck for rewriting the things you need to do. It will feel odd and sad and hopeful, perhaps all at the same time.

    I wrote a post several years ago listing 100 things I am, rather than what I am not. Here's the link, if you're interested ...http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2012/07/who-i-am.html

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    1. How funny that the posts have the same name, although not surprising (what a whiplash of identity becoming childfree not by choice is). I love your list! I rewrote the letter, and that went well, so now it's the Who I Am (already rewritten and getting shared Wednesday) which was the bigger one. Definitely one to champion the idea that sometimes you don't get what you want and have to figure out a different path. Sadly so many of my students already know this through poverty, death of a parent, illness of a parent, abuse, etc. To find some sort of hope in the sadness is a good bonus.

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  3. Love love loved this post. The honesty in your writing and your level of self introspection is inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing. Always rooting for your from VA wherever your path takes you.

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    1. Thank you so much! I so appreciate your thoughts and the rooting (?). :)

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  4. Truly beautiful post. You know who you are Jess. And I envy your students because they will learn so much from you because of your raw and unapologetic honesty. Welcome to a new school year

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    1. Thank you so much! I hope my students somehow appreciate the message, even if it's ten years down the road... Thanks and happy new school year to you, too!

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  5. Lovely, refining, clarifying. I think maybe everyone should ask this question of themselves once in awhile.

    I'm not excluding myself in that.

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    1. Thank you so much! It's a good exercise for sure. We were actually at dinner a couple months ago and had a challenge to come up with 3 nouns for yourself, and then 3 adjectives. It was fascinating! Always lovely to do a little check in and figure out who you are. :)

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  6. I love this "who am I" - absolutely beautiful, as several others have mentioned. Your students are truly fortunate to have a teacher willing to talk openly about what happens when - despite incredibly hard work, huge application of resources, etc. - a dream doesn't work out the way you had hoped so much. There are so, so few adults that are willing to discuss that with children/teens. Best of luck with the new school year!

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    1. Thank you so much! I am definitely willing to have the honest conversations, and actually the literature in 8th grade is really conducive to those themes -- everything is overcoming adversity, finding your identity, deciding if choices are worth the risk. Thank you so much!

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  7. I love your 'who am I' part at the end! It's a great idea to share parts of your story to the children to teach them that life doesn't always work out as expected but it doesn't mean you can't still be ok in the end. Sorry about the continued awkwardness of having to keep update everything and everyone. Hoping you'll have a great class and school year!

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    1. Thank you so much! I definitely am all about sharing things that help build resiliency, but it's scary to be an open book sometimes. It is SUPER awkward having to update people, and I so look forward to when it is a thing of the past and just strangers/small talk that make me have to explain or bluntly say my piece. So far so good on the school year, I have a really lovely group of students!

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  8. "I think it's so important for students to know that you can work at something and have it not work out, and that you can BE OKAY if this happens." Yes! This is very important, especially with the current generation, I think, where everyone's under so much pressure to perform and Do Great Things with their lives. Have you ever seen Conan O'Brien's commencement address to Dartmouth? I found it & blogged about it a few years ago. He talks about how not succeeding at the one thing he wanted most in his life (The Tonight Show) was probably the best thing that ever happened to him. J.K. Rowling did a similar commencement address to Harvard, about how rock bottom became the foundation on which she built the life & success she has today... it's a great speech too -- Conan's is funnier, though. ;) Here's the link to my blog post:

    http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.ca/2011/06/your-dream-will-change-and-thats-okay.html

    We are all of us so much more than just one thing or one part of our life. :)

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  9. Like your snake friend who suns on your front steps, like your butterflies who find light and food in your garden, your hope rises...survives... and ultimately, remakes you in its light. I'm happy for you, my beloved daughter. May you find much hope and happiness in your lifetime.

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