Monday, September 18, 2017

#Microblog Mondays: So It Goes

This is a pretty good representation of how I feel right now. An old picture, but still relevant.

I got the email I was waiting for today, while I sat in my car waiting for the AC to gear up (summer is really hanging on with some seriously muggy talons this week in Rochester).

It didn't work. It was negative.

I feel a little shellshocked...I am sad, so sad, but I can't seem to express it at the moment.

I am grieving for this couple who is trying so hard to add to their family of two.

I am grieving for my genes which will never continue on, and for the realization that I won't be receiving any letters or pictures of a little girl or boy with curly hair or gray-blue eyes or knock knees.

I am grieving for my optimism in some ways -- how stupid I feel for thinking that it could ever go any other way when we are involved, that my hope that these embryos with someone else could become something more than yet another personal tragedy, with shockwaves racing outward from the Midwest.

I am just dumbfounded. And I can't help but feel that for as sad as I feel, the couple who received the negative test must be just devastated. I remember that feeling, and all the sadness-anger-disbelief-numbness that goes with it. I am just so sorry, even though I know it's not my fault.

Au revoir, the last of the Jess possibilities. I hope that the Bryce batch holds the secret to a positive outcome, somewhere in this tangled web of infertility.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!

27 comments:

  1. I am so, so sorry Jess. (((Hugs)))

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    1. Thank you. It sucks. It's worse for them, but I was so hopeful that SOMETHING could go right here. :(

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  2. I'm so sorry. I would be grieving too. In fact, I am, to a lesser extent, grieving with you. Please know that you and Bryce are not alone. We are sending love and sharing your tears.

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    1. Thank you so much. I so appreciate the shared grieving. I just can't believe it, and absolutely can believe it all at the same time. Sigh.

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  3. So sorry. You've tried very hard to do the right thing, all along, and how would one have the courage to do that without at least a teensy hope something good would come of it? Feels very cruel to have that hope dashed. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you -- yes, absolutely cruel. I don't understand why so far there's no good, no positive that has come from all the toiling in this arena, and now someone else's toiling has come to nothing and I know it's illogical but I feel somewhat responsible, it being my eggs and all. Having one not survive thaw and all. I know it's all a numbers game and there were choices made all the way around, but I can't help but feel sad there, too. :(

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  4. Oh Jess. I'm so sorry lady. So much more love is being sent your way.

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    1. Thank you so much, I can really use the love. I'm sorry I keep needing it. :(

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  5. I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you and abiding with you through this loss.

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    1. Thank you so much. For me this is an echo of all the losses before, and a feeling of (illogical) responsibility for someone else's loss, and a loss of answers and hope that maybe something could have worked out in this arena. So much loss.

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  6. Oh girl. I'm so sorry. Of course you would have had hope. Ugh, I'm so sorry another rug has been pulled out from under you. Big hugs.

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    1. Thank you... I should pretty much know to have just hardwood floors by now, right? Too much rug-pulling! :) Thank you for the hugs. I feel just a bit stunned and empty.

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  7. I am sorry. Holding you and Bryce close.

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    1. Thank you so much, we surely appreciate it!

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  8. That's really disappointing. Sorry for this extra blow. I'm sad for that other couple and for you.

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    1. Thank you so much. I feel so, so sad for this other couple who placed their hopes in those embryos and had one blow (not surviving the thaw) and then another (negative test with the one transferred). On top of all their other blows leading up to this point. And it just reminds me of all we lost getting here, and how these embryos are our last shot at having some sort of legacy, genetics wise at least, and now mine's gone. So our loss isn't quite so raw, but it's compounded by feeling for this other couple so deeply.

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  9. Oh Jess I'm so sorry for you and for the couple. Sending you lots of hugs.

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    1. Thank you so much, we appreciate it. I wonder if the other couple know how many people are feeling sad with them, if they can feel this amazing energy. I hope so.

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  10. A loss like this takes a person back to their own. I'm sorry, Jess. It hurts.

    Big hugs.

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    1. Absolutely. It reverberates and reverberates. Thank you so much for the hugs and the sorrow. It really does hurt.

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  11. Sending hugs. I can imagine those last tiny vestiges of hope. And I know when it goes, it's yet another thing to grieve. More hugs. And more.

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    1. It's such a weird hope, too -- hope for a pregnancy that's not ours, a family life that's not ours but that we could sort of attach ourselves to vicariously, and know that some tiny part of us lives on somewhere. Well, my shot is over, and hopefully Bryce has better results for our sake but more for the couple. I feel so awful for them. So much to grieve. Thank you for the hugs and more hugs.

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  12. I can't even begin to imagine. Mega-size hugs and tons of love & light being sent your way.

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  13. I am so sorry, Jess. I'm just now working my way through your posts since we left for our trip abroad. I love you and miss you. Hugs...

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  14. Belated (((hugs))). Another reminder (as if we didn't already know) that this infertility stuff is such a crapshoot. :( I am sorry.

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  15. So very sorry. A heavy, deep loss and complicated, too. Wish I had more to say to take away the pain. (Hugs)

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