Over the school break, I called the Snowflakes program for an update on the frozen embryos formerly known as ours who had traveled to the receiving couple's clinic way back in September.
I had called in December about status -- was there a transfer planned? How long did it usually take? When might we expect any news of any kind? -- but they had just put out a status request to the couple and hadn't heard back yet. Our contact, the one who was so wonderful through all the contracts phases and understood the difficulty of that final goodbye in shipping, was leaving for a career change and we'd have a new contact moving forward.
Since I hadn't heard back in a month and change I called. I felt a little guilty that I hadn't followed up sooner, but with our own adoption upkeep and knowing that the couple had a single embryo adopted from someone else that they'd use first, it wasn't exactly front and center.
But, the silence bugged me a bit when I had downtime at home and could stop to think about it.
So I called, and found out that these poor people have had delay after delay with the clinic (the one they are traveling across three states to use), and their transfer is scheduled for mid-to-late March...with the single embryo that doesn't originate with us.
So, it feels like we will have silence for a while on this front. If the single embryo survives the thaw (which so many do now), they will transfer it and hope for the best, but if it doesn't then ours come into play. If the cycle is negative ours come into play. But I don't wish that for them -- I hope it works with the single embryo, because who would want more disappointment and sadness for someone else just so we get to have a little closure on this front? (A very tiny selfish part of me lurking in the back of my brain, that's who.) I mean, some kind of closure would be nice, as we have absolutely none on several fronts at the moment. But, if it takes another year or two to use our frozen embryos, then that's the way it will go.
It's weird to be in a funny limbo while someone else is in a funny limbo and to us, it's third party information -- if things work out, it will be interesting but the joy will really belong to the other couple. We'll know we gave those embryos a chance and this couple a chance, and together they did what we could not, but I'm not sure there's a "Congratulations" card for you when someone else gets pregnant with the embryos you created that they will raise halfway across the country, while we're still waiting to have that match call. It's definitely not your typical Hallmark moment.
I hope the silence doesn't last long...I hope that there's news and closure for someone involved in this tangled web of family building, sooner than later.
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There's so much in this process that is complicated. I hope there's news and closure for you all, no matter what they involve.
ReplyDeleteInfertility and family building is so messy, isn't it? I hope you aren't waiting long either. The silence has to be hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that none of you has had closure; why do these things always have to typically drag on so interminably: they should be fast-tracked when you think of the stress, costs, and anxiety at play in all of it. It's a shame your usual contact is leaving. As I read this I tried to imagine myself in this situation, knowing that in the future someone might use mine and my hub's embryo. It must be a strange feeling, Jess; I'm finding it hard to imagine just what it must feel like. I think it's a beautiful, big-hearted thing to do but it must be a bit surreal. I'd also be anxious for March, to find out what the score is and whether they have success with the other embryo. It's March now though, more or less (god as I was writing that it felt like March was still a couple of months ago - crazy how time is always bloody flying). I hope you have news soon.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you are facing many experiences and challenges for which there isn't a guide. I mean, life is unpredictable for everyone but with regards to the major life experiences humans have faced for generations, we at least have some internalized expectation of what it's going to be like. There's a body of literature, some tradition to grab hold of. But waiting for someone to possibly have a child with an embryo you created while hoping to adopt.....is that like anything else? You are doing amazing work, but it must be really hard.
ReplyDeleteI also hope that the silence is not long, Jess. Sometimes - we just need to wait for our turn to come. That's the only thing in our control.
ReplyDeleteWe chose not to go with Snowflakes... but I think we've matched with a family through a FB group. They're meeting with their clinic in a few weeks. I need to write a post about it soon. I hope you get some good news soon. And I can add you to the FB group if you are interested... there's a donor group and a group for donors/recipients. You can be a donor using any kind of service/matching. It's more to discuss thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. Let me know if you are interested in either.
ReplyDeleteI cannot fathom the complexity of emotions this situation must bring up in you. I wonder if it's one of those things that there are complexities I'm not even thinking of, or if it's one of those things where I'm assuming it's way more complex than it is. I know people usually assume the feelings we have toward this baby being created with donor sperm are way more complicated than they are. It's pretty simple, we usually forget. The people who know, when they ask I think want a much longer answer. All we really have to offer is an "eh, we don't really think about it." and a shrug.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a unique and complex situation. I hope the silence is not too long and all of you are able to get some closure in this.
ReplyDeleteIt is nice that Snowflakes and the couple are open to you all to get updates on your embryos. However, it is sad to hear the couple has been in limbo. Seems to be in a tough emotional spot as there is still another embryo in line before yours. Thoughts with you, the couple and all of the embryos.
ReplyDeleteOh, this is tough all around, for all involved. So sorry you have yet another limbo to deal with on top of adoption waiting. I admire the strength and grace you have shown through it all.
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