Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Monday, April 18, 2016

#Microblog Mondays: How Are You With The Wait?



Last week was a blur of getting back into the swing of things after my illness, complete with meetings after school just about every day, several until 6, and a weekend where Saturday was consumed by NYS test scoring trainer training (I was a Question Expert, which is a funny title) and National Board writing retreat. It was exhausting, but I am definitely back to normal, finally.

Today, at the ELA test scoring, I spent a lot of time with people I don't usually see for more than passing pleasantries in the halls or when I get together with people from other buildings...which was nice. Everyone was super interested in adoption -- the questions "How is the wait going? Where are things now?" came up a lot, which I appreciated.

So how are we doing with the wait at this moment in time?

- Well, we received our email that our homestudy is expiring in 60 days recently, which sort of set of a tizzy of conflicted emotions and stress. We have to pay the update fee and the rest of our program fee before they'll send us the forms to fill out, and they can't schedule our one update visit with our social worker until they have the forms, so all of a sudden the end of June sounded AWFULLY CLOSE. It's a necessity, and our 1 year mark is technically the end of July since that's when our profile books went out, but all of a sudden we felt like OHMYGOD IT'S BEEN A YEAR AND THIS IS NEVERENDING. So out the check went and we wait for the forms.

- BUT, I also shared that we've received 3 profile calls in 3 months, one each month January-February-March, and I'm hopeful that we'll get one April (even though this doesn't have to constitute a trend, a girl can hope). It feels better to say "not yet" when we've gotten close at least once and we are getting attention  and opportunities.

- I explain that it's really hard to live in a place where this could come together in a week, or we could still be waiting next year. It's a world of extremes and no certainty of any kind. So we just kind of do the best with life as is and hope that it happens sooner than later and we're ready for the shock to the system.

- At the same time, our embryos are finally moving this week -- they are going to the cryobank connected to Snowflakes, and so that feels like the last piece in that puzzle before we're matched, so there's positive moment there. The ungodly amount of forms for this process is finally done until we have a matching contract. It was interesting when I mentioned the whole embryo adoption thing at school to a teacher I hadn't seen in a while and she looked at me like I was NUTS for handing our embryos over to someone else to get pregnant with and not doing surrogacy. I don't know why so many people think surrogacy in NY is so easy when the law is decidedly complicated, or why people don't get that not every option is right for every person. Being open means contending with people's reactions, I guess.

It is lovely to have so many people asking. I love that unlike infertility, I generally don't cry when I talk about adoption...unless someone else tears up first (like when I was showing another teacher pictures of our nursery and she totally got misty). Things are good.

Not easy, not simple, but good.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!

18 comments:

  1. Hello, Question Expert :-)

    Glad you're feeling better. And it sounds like you're handling the wait with your usual grace. I like the way you are open to sharing with people what the wait is like. And I'm feeling judgy of people who judge your choices. Grrrrr...

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    1. Isn't that the best title? It was fun (if such things can ever be classified as "fun.") -- I would far rather be the trainer and in charge of the day in my little scoring room than be subjected to it. Guess that's the control freak in me. Thank you for your judginess! It always disappoints me, but sadly never surprises me that other people feel they are an expert on my life and choices.

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  2. I am very happy to hear from you! It sounds like you guys are doing the very best you can to enjoy each other and life while this whole other part of your life is in this weird limbo. I am glad this waiting period of life is not completely wrecking you, as waits can do that to anyone. I hope that your wait ends very soon.

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    1. Thank you! Some day I will not be submerged under all my school stuff. Hard to believe there's only 9 weeks left of school. Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope our wait ends soon, but in the meantime we just keep doing our best to not go bonkers during this bizarre way to live.

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  3. Yes, what Lori and Charlotte said.

    "Being open means contending with people's reactions, I guess." That really sums it up. The positive and the negative.

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  4. Echoing Lori. I admire how you are handling this period of waiting. It's so very hard to do. Thinking of you as you fill out the paperwork.

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    1. Thank you! One day we'll actually get the paperwork... :) (It's coming next week.) I just like getting it in and then getting it the heck off our plates so once again we've done what we can do. At least it appears we get the same social worker--I loved our social worker. Thanks for thinking of us!

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  5. Love that people are interested!

    I'm so sorry this is such a weird limbo. I

    can't believe it's been a year! Since you've had calls, decorated the nursery, and all of that it's been exciting to follow your story and it seems so much shorter.

    I completely understand not wanting to do surrogacy. Just remember, not only are those of us who do have complicated paths to family building completely different from one another, but people who don't are a whole 'nother ball game. You're doing what's right for you, don't second guess based on the feelings of someone else.

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    1. I love that people are interested, too! It made me so happy to have so many people want to hear about the process and learn about it. Not so much when they just want to make sure I've considered all the options, like we haven't spent 6.5 years weighing all our choices very carefully... Grrr. Isn't that crazy that it's almost been a year since the homestudy? TIME FLIES. Hopefully we're not too far from the end of the wait. At least we're getting better at the waiting, SO MUCH PRACTICE. :)

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  6. I like the last line. It's unnerving to not know how long you'll be waiting, but it's sort of exciting, too, to think that you could get a call at any moment that could change your life for the better.

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    1. Thanks so much! It is definitely this weird jumble of unnerving and exciting, and we swing from one to the other. Sometimes it's really exciting thinking it could be tomorrow, but after a while it's easier to think it's just going to be a long time. Swing, swing, swing.

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  7. One of my friends is waiting and hoping to be chosen, and she swings back and forth between thinking it's never going to happen and wondering if she should buy diapers this weekend just in case.

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    1. I feel her! That's exactly what it's like. I like to buy something baby related every once in a while to remind me that I am actually expecting in the most amorphous of ways... one time I got a box that contained Butt Paste (I hear it's amazing). It made my day. Other times I want to plan a vacation for the summer because it seems we'll still be waiting. Tell your friend I'm in her boat! :)

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  8. Sending thoughts your way as you wait. It does not sound easy. That last check may have been tough to write as it nears the one year mark. But, it seems important to keep on top of things so you don't have to worry about a gap. Glad to hear that talking about adoption does not bring tears and that you have support in real life, too.

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts! It's not easy, although we are feeling like we're getting better and better at this waiting thing every day. We're so much less "graspy" with this than we were with infertility. Probably because I don't have daily reminders. It is definitely tough to hit that one year mark... I was so hoping we'd fall within the average, but I think averages are misleading anyway. If the average is 7-9 months, that means some people took 3 months and some took 2 years... not that most people took 7-9 months. That helps me to not put a fake deadline on things (something fairly destructive that I'm REALLY GOOD AT DOING). Breathing deep and hoping the home study update is smooth! :) THanks for your thoughts!

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  9. I agree with the other ladies. You're doing the very best with a stressful situation. From career choices, to family choices, to political choices.. There are people in life who just don't seem to "get it" and like you say, look at you like you're nuts. I went through infertility a while ago and still people look at my kids who are pretty young considering my husband's age and my age & they're multiples so the writing's on the proverbial wall but they'll still ask me: "Did you have them naturally?" Like it's their business. So I get a perverse pleasure in answering thusly: "Do you mean did they go in naturally or come out naturally? Either way, the answer's "no".

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    1. Thank you! It is super stressful but we're making it through (it helps that I'm expecting but I can have my Friday margaritas, morning coffee, and wine). Oh my gosh, you have me in stitches with your "Do you mean did they go in naturally or come out naturally? Either way, the answer's 'no.'" story... HILARIOUS. I have to really come up with some doozies for the people who give me side eye for my choices. Love how people who don't have to make these choices are so quick to question mine and assume I didn't really think about them. Worth it to educate folks, but jeez louise, it's tough not to lose it on the ones who don't think before they speak.

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  10. Hurray for good (although it would be nice if easy and simple both made appearances in your life soon)! Glad to hear things are still moving in a positive direction. *hugs*

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