Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

How Can There Be Less Than 8 Weeks Left?

At the end of last week, I was convinced that there were 9 weeks of school left.

But I was wrong.

It was 8, and now it's 7 and two days.

How is this possible? I am FREAKING OUT.

First, I'm freaking out because I'm worried I won't be able to squeeze in all the stuff I have left to do in my self-contained English class. We recently started Out of the Dust but I also need to do The Giver, which is my FAVORITE unit every year, and I spent so much time on writing skills at the beginning of the year that I am pressed for time on my novels. Novels where the first involves a character with RPL and a infant loss, and the last has me explaining the concept of birth mothers and how you can be pregnant when they don't identify birth fathers. I save all the interesting stuff for last, I guess. And I am trying REALLY HARD to not end the school year with The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, which I'm reading with my self-contained reading class to synthesize all the strategies and deeper reading skills we've learned all year. I love the book, and it's so wonderful for making inferences, but my god is it depressing. I need to make sure that we can do something happy for a few days after. I am somewhat of a terrible person for ending the year this way again. "Happy summer, sorry I stole all your innocence! 9th grade literature and history aren't quite so depressing, enjoy the sunshine!"

But that's just part of what has me in a tizzy.

I was so sure that we'd get our call sometime in the spring, and I'd go out on maternity leave at some point THIS SCHOOL YEAR. I had a school baby shower at the end of September to help us get ready for Mystery Baby. And here we are, almost May, only 7 weeks and change left, and Mystery Baby is still every bit the same ephemeral, amorphous concept as he/she was in September.

Now, the interesting thing is that my Assistant Superintendent for Human Resources let me know that the ideal timing was late June or July for leave. That that would buy me insurance coverage for the summer, and FMLA clock starting in September, and my 5 adoption leave days + 3 saved up personal days paid leave would start in September, giving me a bonus check before the rest of my leave. I would get 5 months for the price of 3. (While New York did just pass Paid Family Leave, it doesn't start until January 2018. So I'm hoping I go out before I'm eligible to take it, obviously, but YAY NEW YORK.)

But...what if summer comes and goes and we still don't get a call? I have to say that I will actually feel embarrassed going back to school and STILL not having a match, not having any real update that will result in parenthood, still waiting.

I know it's entirely possible. This process is unpredictable, and all-or-nothing, feast-or-famine, zero-to-sixty. But it would be hard, going back to school and still having to give my spiel about having my phone on at all times and "we're expecting through adoption, it's like being in your third trimester all the time but you can drink and have coffee, har har HAR."

So it's amazing to me that there's so little time left in this school year, and while we've had three profile calls nothing has changed, not really. We don't feel totally left out in the dark, because our book has gotten action. But we haven't hit the jackpot yet, to put it in not entirely sensitive terms.

There's still time -- we haven't gotten a call in April yet, and we had one January, February, and March. I know this is not a pattern or a causal relationship. We don't HAVE to get a call in April. But it sure would be nice. It would be nice to have my fortieth birthday come with a promise in the ether. I still have May and June.

It's just so hard, the not knowing. And the feeling like I've disappointed all the people who were so generous in September, helping us to prepare our nursery and be ready for that call to come at any time. Maybe I need to send out an email newsletter of sorts at the end of the year, with pictures of our nursery, and let them know that we have had action, just nothing that stuck, and that all those wonderful onesies and boppies and spacesaving high chairs and oodles of board books will most definitely get used.

We just don't know when.

7 comments:

  1. When seasons change and school years satr and end, it really puts a big highlighter on the passage of time, doesn't it? I have felt this before waiting on things that just drug out forever. The year after my first miscarriage was like that. And when we were trying to get out of a bad rental situation and buy a house. (Loooong post in my blog but it was a horrible, stressful time) Not that I am saying that these things are the same as what you are going through. Just that I get it.
    I actually think your newsletter idea is a really brilliant one. Not just to show people where all the stuff they gifted you went, but more so to show them something tangible that shows them what you are going through. You know how sometimes a picture or visual speaks a thousand words and can leave a lasting impression? Well, pictures of your nursery might go a long way and speak way more than your update of "still waiting" ever could. Any maybe it will help you feel less like you need to explain yourself/your situation with having your phone on you constantly and all that.
    That said, I am sorry you are still waiting, but I have to believe that it's because your most special Mystery Baby is still trying to find you and that the universe will bring you together at exactly the right time. Many, many prayers for you.

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  2. Oh, and on a lighter note I wanted to add that I know, right?! Holy crap I can't believe the school year is almost over already! When checking out and making my daughter's next orthodontist appointment the receptionist said "6 weeks, that make it June 6" and I was like What?!?! June?!?! Already?!? Just wow!

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  3. This is the one thing I hate about this time of year. This realization that things are being wrapped up and questions about what you have to show for it. It's terrible hard when you feel like you're coming up with an empty plate. The truth is, though, you've had a lot happen. Hence why I also like the idea of a newsletter. Though I am sorry you're still in the waiting area of this process. I can imagine how hard it is just not knowing and wanting to do vs. wait.

    Sending ((((((HUG))))))). And hoping that there is some news soon.

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  4. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling the pressure of some kind of timeline that unfortunately doesn't exist. Sure, a person may try to convince themselves that they are fine and open about how ever long it takes, it is still stressful and tiring to be in limbo. But, it is easy to create our own mental timelines to try to get through a difficult situation when time is out of your control. It is almost like you bargain with yourself that you can handle it for *this much.* But when *this much* hedges near, it can feel very overwhelming.

    Try your best to release yourself from your mental timeline. Be kind to yourself. Use the summer to hit the snooze button and give yourself time to heal and regroup. I really hope you get The Call soon. Until that time, use the gift of summer to invest and spoil you--you and your hubby. You guys have worked hard and the room is ready.

    Your newsletter is a good idea. But, if you are not able to get it out and share it with people before the end of the year, it could serve as a buffer upon your return next school year. But, maybe you will not need it. Please do not feel badly if you do not have a baby when you return to work. There is no failure in that. Adoption is hard. Adoption takes time. Adoption is complicated. Adoption is not haphazard. You do not "just adopt." It takes grit and patience and love.

    Hang in there. Come on Mystery Baby! It is time to come home! Abiding with you. Hugs!!!

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  5. You definitely love your job if you are not starting to count the weeks lol. (I am not yet either: but mainly because the first few months of the school year passed in a haze and I only feel like I kind of figured out what I'm doing in the past 3 months or so. I agree with what others said about the school year highlighting the passage of time, and it's anxieties. An email newsletter might be a good idea to quell any speculation with facts: which is good if it helps your stress level. Agree that you don't have to apologize or explain that you are still waiting: that us what it is. Waiting sucks and akways will; you seem to be handling it with grace but it still sucks.

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  6. I think the newsletter is a really great idea!

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