#Microblog Mondays: I Don't Want To Get Pregnant

Seems kind of backwards, right? But that was what I found myself saying, while half-naked in stirrups and pretty close to blubbering in my appointment with my OB/GYN on Friday, when he asked:

"So what is your goal with regulating your period?"

Interesting question, because I somehow thought that miracles would happen and after a lifetime of wonky cycles when not on the Pill and what seemed like a lifetime of trying to wrangle my body into doing something it just DID NOT want to do, it turns out that my cycles will not regulate themselves. And now, I do nothing but worry that despite all the evidence otherwise, I might be pregnant and pickling my baby with wine, or pregnant with an ectopic in my remaining tube and all set to pass out from internal bleeding where no one will find me and I will die alone. I need to be on birth control of some kind. (And possibly address what seems to be burgeoning anxiety.)

"I want regular periods and/or at least know that I am not pregnant. I don't want to even think it's possible that I'm pregnant anymore."

I was not pregnant (go figure), but was in the doctor's office because I've pretty much been spotting since July 25th and haven't had a proper Day One since June 25th, which seems... not right (and definitely hampers quality of life). My new doctor doesn't want me on the regular estradiol-based Pills because of my sneaky peeky heterozygous prothrombin mutation, which puts me at 2-5X risk of deep vein thrombosis, plus the whole migraine with aura thing... too much of a stroke/blood clot risk.

Soooo, my options were: the norplant thing in your arm (no), IUD (not if I can help it, I think my uterus has had enough invasions thankyouverymuch), progesterone-only pills, or Depo Provera. Which I didn't even know still existed. But it does, and sounds lovely. A shot every three months? Effective birth control despite my completely ineffective reproductive system? Dwindling period that eventually pretty much disappears? Yes, please.

I barely made it through the waiting room filled with happy pregos without spilling over, and then cried my eyes out in the car. I never thought that I would be begging to know that I am NOT pregnant at any time in the past six years. I realize that I am effectively ruling out that "miracle" pregnancy that some people are so sure will happen now that we're in the adoption process, despite all the incredible evidence that no miracle will be happening in this uterus, ever. I am okay with that, although feeling guilty and sad and traumatized by all my experiences.

But it's completely, utterly, inescapably true... I don't want to get pregnant. Not anymore. I want to enjoy my paper pregnancy without the fear of something going awry. Because in my mind and to my experience, no double line came with happiness that lasted. But hopefully my pretty pink binder filled with signed and submitted paperwork will. And I can relax into being an expectant mom this way a whole lot easier if I know it is completely impossible to become one, albeit briefly most likely, the other way.

Want to read more #Microblog Mondays, ones probably shorter than this one? Go here and enjoy!