Wednesday, April 16, 2014

It All Comes Crashing Down

Literally. Crash, crash, crash.

Yesterday I was excited about my zillions of eggles, my possible retrieval Friday or Saturday, and still a bit nervous about OHSS. My estrogen was 4499 down from 5662, which was to be expected with the Ganarelix and the dialed-down FSH dosing. I was upped to 100 to try to coax my eggles to get ready for trigger, which was to be today or tomorrow.

Well, I'm triggering today but not how I wanted.

My cycle was canceled.

No obscenity is intense enough to cover how I feel. MOTHERFUCKINGSHITFUCKDAMNHOLYHELLFUCKERSUCKERASSSHITFUCKALL seems to be close though.

My follicles today were not quite ready for trigger, closer, but not quite there. But my blood, my blood told a different story. My estrogen crashed to 1600. WHICH IS COLOSSALLY BAD. Somehow I started to ovulate, despite the ganarelix, somehow my eggles mutinied against me and decided not to play nice. Going forward with a retrieval would be a relative waste because I only had maybe 9 follicles out of the thirty-odd that were close enough to be ready, and not all of those may have mature eggs in them. I fully realize that 9 eggs could be a freaking miracle for some and this course of action may seem like looking a gift horse in the mouth, but everyone on my team decided that for me 9 eggs is not enough to go forward with retrieval when I typically retrieve closer to 20. Plus, a crash in estrogen does not bode well for egg quality. It's bad business. A slight dip is ok due to the introduction of the Ganarelix, but a crash of several thousand is BAD NEWS BEARS.

Have I mentioned how tired I am of receiving bad news? Of choking back my tears while I try to have an intelligent conversation about how this happened and what I do now and where we go from here? And then fall spectacularly apart as soon as the phone call is over? I AM SO VERY TIRED OF THE BAD NEWS GAME.

Especially, ESPECIALLY because of how much effort I've put into this goddamn cycle. I have gone out of my way to get fresh squeezed frickin wheat grass EVERY DAY. I have not had ANY EASTER CANDY, and nothing with caffeine has passed my lips in a freaking month. Including chocolate. I have not had any alcohol. I HAVE YET AGAIN LIVED LIKE A PREGNANT PERSON, AN ESPECIALLY VIGILANT PREGNANT PERSON, FOR ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON.

You know, I usually try not to let the sailor mouth fly here, but it is incredibly freeing to let it go.

Since apparently I have to let it all go. And I have to trigger tonight and tomorrow morning with a hefty dose of lupron (which I did not know was possible but it is, * the more you know...), which means I will be OVULATING THOSE BIG FOLLICLES over the next couple days. Yeah, that's not going to hurt, the bursting of 4 then 5 giant follicles. ARRRGGGGHHHHHH.

The capper is that I can't have sex for the next two weeks. No sexytimes. None. Because while there is no sense in moving forward with retrieval, maybe they are good eggs. Maybe 3-4 of them are spectacular, but because they are all coming out at once I run the risk, the laughable risk, of getting pregnant with triplets or quads if I actually have some fun between the sheets anytime soon. HOW IRONIC. In trying to have a baby, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SEX. And, my eggs aren't good for IVF but they're scary enough to warrant a gag order on my vagina. What is this insane world I live in? How did I get here?

The silver lining, because I always have to have a fucking silver lining, is twofold. A) Canceled cycles don't count towards my package, so we still have two retrievals waiting in the wings. B) This does not actually impact our timing of things at all.

See, the original plan, which is now in the toilet, was to do the retrieval in April, the hysteroscopy in May, and the transfer in June. Now, we'll do the hysteroscopy in May and then the retrieval and the transfer in June. No more uncoupling for me. Sounded great, but unless I get close to OHSS again which I sincerely hope I do not, it's not going to happen. GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD, PEOPLE.

Have I mentioned my guilt? My feelings of horrible hindsight, where I think, "I thought the starting dose was too high, but I was going to let go and not say anything, AND LOOK WHERE THAT GOT ME!!!"? Yup. I kind of wish I had spoken up. I do not feel that there was a wrong done here. I honestly think that the dose was higher to start but not ridiculously higher (75 IUs) to account for my increased age, and maybe as a thought to push me a bit since the dilute HCG portion is different. It did not work so great, and I made sure in my very strained I-refuse-to-sob-on-the-phone-with-the-RE conversation, that there will be changes for the next cycle. And that adjustments will be made to ensure this doesn't happen again. But, cycles get canceled all the time. And I knew I was at risk once my estrogen soared past 5,000. They did everything they could to slow my runaway train, but in the end it just came to screeching halt.

So, I can't change that I didn't speak up, and honestly I might have spoken up and received a very logical answer for why the dose was higher and it still would have played out this way. I also can't change that I have worked my ass off doing Egg Boot Camp and it appears that it was for NOTHING. I am not going to lie, I can't keep this up through June. I need a little respite. I need some amnesty from Le Boot Camp D'Egg. Just a little though, because I don't want to fuck up the next cycle, but maybe (go figure) all of this is too much. It's all good for me, but maybe the stringency isn't totally necessary. I mean, it didn't exactly work a miracle for me this time. That's the problem with all these "miracle fixes." They're great when they work, but even if I HAD had the best cycle of my life and gotten pregnant, I really wouldn't know if it was the Boot Camp that had anything to do with it. I can look back with no regrets, but I can't know that this regimen is the key to my nonexistent success.

I wish that I could go on a vacation these last few days of break. I wish that I could hop a plane and be on a beach somewhere warm, with a tropical drink in my hand. And maybe some bodysnatching so I could lie out in a bikini rocking my tan celebrity body that I definitely DO NOT HAVE. I think I need to go watch a funny movie. I need to eat a Cad.bury Egg. There needs to be some good eggs had today by someone, because there aren't any in me, apparently.

Sorry I don't have better news. I am a mess, an absolute mess. I am grateful that I can keep trucking with this and I haven't lost any time, but man I was really hoping for retrieval this weekend. I wanted my birthday and Mother's Day to at least be met with some frozen progeny-to-be hiding out in the freezer, little symbols of hope that this will actually come to pass. Oh well. Empty womb, empty freezer, emptied ovaries. Until next time, eggles. Please play nicer in June.

22 comments:

  1. So fucking unfair. I was so rooting for you and all those eggies. I'm so, so sorry and so, so pissed on your behalf. I've been there, but this seems so much more agonizing than canceling for no eggs. The world of IF is a constant shit storm. So many hugs.

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    1. Thank you. Yes, I agree--fucking unfair. I've never had a canceled cycle before, so this is all new to me. Not a fan! :) Thank you for the hugs, I can use them. I've already stuffed my face with chocolate so I feel a bit better. I just want some good news already, you know? (You do.) Thanks for the support. Today sucks.

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  2. OH NO. So sorry you're dealing with this. There are no words for this. HUGS.

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    1. Thank you so much for the condolences! This is new to my repertoire--I guess I have to experience a whole bunch of things before I can get the good news. Isn't there a book or something, "When Will There Be Good News?" I feel like that's just life lately. :( Thank you for the hugs, I accept them gladly!

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  3. Jess,
    I'm so sorry. I just found this...I love you, and I'm thinking of you. Always. I wish there were something I could do to end this whole ordeal for you, to see you have a child.
    Love,
    Mom

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    1. Thanks, Mom. Eventually it will happen, it just apparently has to be one hell of a gauntlet to get there.

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  4. MOTHERFUCKINGSHITFUCKDAMNHOLYHELLFUCKERSUCKERASSSHITFUCKALL is putting it mildly. I'm so pissed at the universe for you. This is beyond unfair. No other words. Just know that I am raging against the universe with you.

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    1. Thanks, Lindsey! You made me smile. I rather like my new cussword. Thank you for the raging. I am pretty much on to the crying uncontrollably. May will come soon and then I can focus on the new cycle... Blah. Seriously, what burial ground is under my house???

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    2. It's a brilliant curse word. Own it! Maybe trademark it and sell Tshirts. :)

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  5. "Uggg" is about all I can think of to say to you, Jess. This is so far beyond devastating! I can't possibly imagine how you're feeling...but I know I'd be a mess if I had been through all you've gone through to land at "this." Crap. So sorry.

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    1. Thanks, Kelsey. My eyes are all froggy and messed up today, and I'm pretty sure I am going to spend this sunny day locked up in my TV room eating chocolate and watching Bridget Jones' Diary, Bridesmaids, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. If only I had Pitch Perfect the day would be complete. :) Thank you for your condolences! Things will march forward pretty quickly, I just have to get through this next two week period. Then I schedule the hysteroscopy. Gaargh.

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  6. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Ugh. FUCKDAMNSHITFUCKERFUCKITYCRAP.

    This is not how it's supposed to go. IF can suck it. I am going to go punch a fertile for you today. And I hope every meal you eat today includes chocolate, wine, or all of the above.

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    1. Thanks, Aimee!! You made me laugh so hard, so THANK YOU. I like your creative cussword too! :) No need to punch a fertile or make a dartboard of some pregnant 46 year old celebrity's face, but I will take you up on the chocolate! There may have been tequila involved in last night's pity party. :) I hope all is well with you. Somebody's got to have a good cycle!!! I swear I won't make a dartboard of you if you become a prego blogroll person, I am waiting anxiously for that moment! :)

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    2. Listen. It's too late about the not punching a fertile for you. What can I say? The hormones make me ragey. :)

      And I would be honored if you put my face on your dartboard. All is going well...we'll transfer tomorrow and hopefully, I won't need to you repay the punching a fertile favor.

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    3. OH! I will be thinking amazingly good sticky thoughts for you! How exciting. No need to punch a fertile, I will think only the best of thoughts for you! :) Everything's crossed. Everything!

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  7. I'm sorry!! That really REALLY sucks! (That's all the profanity you'll get out of my Mormon mouth.. ;) I was explaining to a friend the other day that had some interesting ideas about what someone who has the sincere desire for a child is going through. I basically told her that NOTHING anyone says can make it better. The only cure for the emptiness is to hold your sweet baby in your arms.

    Enjoy all of that Easter chocolate and know that one day you WILL be holding your very own beautiful babe in your arms one way or another. Moms that go through all of this appreciate it all more and you will be a better mom because of it.

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    1. Thank you, and I appreciate you using the word "suck" as I'm sure that's not a normal thing for you! :) Thank you so much for your thoughts and for stopping by. I am overwhelmed with support and feeling very loved and cared for. Thank you for your condolences and look towards the future...I can't wait to hold that sweet baby. I just wish he/she wasn't taking the long way around to get here!!! :)

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  8. Jess, I'd like to send you something... Is there a way I can contact you off the blog, like email?

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    1. Hmmm not sure why my profile is. Not showing up. This is me from http://infertilemyrtleblogs.blogspot.com

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    2. yup-- jtennant76@gmail.com. I keep meaning to make an email for this blog but in the meantime that's it! Thanks! I am intrigued...

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  9. I'm just so fucking mad!!! What the fuck!!! Sweet girl. Big sigh. I wish you could just have sex! But I understand why that could be a great big problem. Don't want you to have to say goodbye to those eggs. But the quality could be off with the hormone problem. This is requiring enormous patience. I wish the universe would throw you a freaking-fracking break. I'm thinking of you, abiding with you, and never, ever giving up hope for you.
    xo
    theunexpectedtrip

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    1. Thank you muchly! I appreciate the raging on my behalf. At some point there has to be a break, right? This can't go on forever? Thanks for the love and the hope!

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