Sunday, October 30, 2011


We love October. It's a beautiful month: it can be warm during the day and crisp at night. You can get your sweaters out from storage and actually wear them, and be happy about finally bundling up a bit. The leaves are beautiful, the light is beautiful, it's just a gorgeous time of year. And, it's Halloween. I have always liked Halloween but it is Bryce's absolutely favorite holiday. So for October, we watch scary or spooky movies (I am a wuss, much to Bryce's chagrin), try to do at least a couple events that are spooky (hikes in Mt Hope cemetery! Dracula at the GEVA theater!), and, for the past two years, celebrate our wedding anniversary.

We got married twice, which suited our purposes in 2009 but now makes things a little complicated. Which anniversary do we celebrate? For now, at least, we celebrate both. October is our completely selfish month, where we do what we want to do. And now that we have been embroiled in this infertility crap for the entirety of our newlywed-dom plus a bit, we really, really don't feel badly about being selfish during this month. October is special. It's when we celebrate the joy of us and the reasons why we want so badly to have a baby and add to our family and the love that we share.

This October it's been particularly important to celebrate all the things that we have in each other, because we've had such a rough time with everything this year. Just the other night Bryce and I were talking, and he said, "Didn't we think 2010 was a terrible year? Didn't we say GOOD RIDDANCE, 2010 on New Year's? I hate to say it, but I think 2011 has been worse." And in terms of the crap that rains down on us seemingly constantly, yup, I'd agree. 2011 was (and is) a rough, rough year. But, looking at our second year of marriage, we have a lot to be grateful for too. Despite all the horrible things that we have had to endure, we have a lot to be grateful for.
  • While it's not always easy, we still have a solid, strong relationship. We have had to deal with more crap in the first two years of our marriage than a lot of people deal with in a lifetime. And we are stronger for it, ultimately--so we are so lucky for the love that we have for each other.
  • We did get pregnant this year. We are moving up a trajectory, not stuck in place or looking at even harder choices than we've currently got regarding family building. We have frozens. Hopefully my body remembers what it's like to pregnant and adjusts to make it happen in the RIGHT place this time. As hard as August and September were, we are actually on an upswing. (That is some serious positive thinking to regard our experiences as an upswing!)
  • We are both healthy, employed, and in all other respects besides the babymaking ride have a pretty nice life. We have had to make hard decisions this year to maintain a sane household, but we are able to pay our bills, pay for treatment, and have a little fun, too. That's not a small accomplishment in this economy. We are grateful.
  • We are still filled with hope. I still believe that it's WHEN we get pregnant, not IF. I believe that "our time" is coming. (The concept that we are "due" a happy ending is bizarre to me--why wouldn't we have been "due" earlier if that's the case? Why wouldn't last time have been "our time?" But whatever, in a weird way I feel like we are close. Very close to being at the end, at least for now.) Going through everything we've experienced and still having hope is a significant accomplishment in itself!
  • I believe that we can celebrate our 3rd anniversary with a baby, or at least pregnant. I have to believe that to stay sane.

Back from fancypants dinner, wine-stained teeth,
time for a horror movie. Now that's true love...
So, looking back at our second year of marriage, I think that we have more happy than sad. We still have romantic moments despite the drudgery of doctor's appointments and sharps containers and finagling schedules to accommodate morning intramuscular butt shots. We can go out for a surprise fancy dinner at Richardson's Canal House and barely talk about infertility, truly enjoy each other's company, drink a killer bottle of Spanish wine (Alto Moncayo, smoky and delicious grenacha), and then come home to watch Christine. We can smile like newlywed dorks the whole night through, because while we can certainly feel inordinately unlucky, really we are the luckiest people ever. Happy second anniversary to us.

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