Follow me on the crazy, hopeful, discouraging, funny, and ultimately successful (one way or another) path to parenthood while facing infertility.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

And My Lie Catches Up With Me

So, a little while ago I wrote a post on how I told a little white lie to the fine people of American Baby magazine. I really enjoy their magazine, it's free, it helps me with my Baby Binder and my vision board, but there's just one little problem. I'm not actually pregnant. So, last March when I was doing an IUI for kicks and giggles to kill time between IVFs, I signed up and put down the due date that would be roughly when I would have been due from the IUI. November 11th or something like that. And then I just didn't think about it--I got my magazine, I got pregnant and for a brief moment thought that finally I wasn't a liar anymore, and then, almost as quickly, was right back to square one.

It may seem like torture to subscribe to a magazine for pregnant women/new mommies of new babies when you are in my situation. I gave it a lot of thought before actually signing up. The way I see it, if it comes at an inopportune time (like the day it came the day before Mother's Day, or right as I was recuperating from the ectopic surgery), I can just stuff it under the coffee table until I am ready to go through it, razor it to death, and put its eviscerated husk in my recycling bin to possibly cause speculation among my neighbors. It's worked out well--I look at it when I feel like I can handle it, and if it's too much, it goes back into hiding until another moment of well-adjusted-ness. And my Baby Binder is really filling up with all kinds of great developmental tips for pregnancy and newborns alike, cool new gear, nursery design tips,  maternity clothes ideas, etc. etc. etc.

But then October's issue came in the mail a few weeks ago, with a giant burst that said "A NEW SECTION JUST FOR YOU!" I looked at it and was so confused. How on earth could they have something just for me? I flipped through it and still couldn't figure it out. So, on the day when I felt mentally ok to read the thing, I got to the end and realized. There was a whole section on being 8 months pregnant. Just for me. Because, if I was actually due in November, I would be 8 months pregnant. (Coincidentally, just like my therapist is actually 8 months pregnant and due right around my fake-but-at-the-time-totally-possible due date. Hilarious.) I laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed.

I can laugh about this one because it's not tied to something real. It's tied to a lie. If I had actually gotten pregnant from that IUI and then subsequently lost it, it would be a different story. If it was tied to my due date from our last IVF that ended poorly (April 13th), I would have been an unholy mess. Kind of like when someone announced their pregnancy in a faculty meeting and said they were due mid-April, and I was in a funk for a long time because that was when I would have been due had my embryo had a better sense of direction. Or, how that godawful facebook meme for Breast Cancer month came out less than a week after my surgery and my status would have been "I'm six weeks and craving tomatoes" -- cruel on two parts because I was six and a half weeks when I lost my ill-fated pregnancy and because I was overrun by mutant tomatoes in my garden. The tomato part wasn't so very sad, but I cried for a good hour anyway.

But, the 8 months section is just funny. But it poses a problem. Apparently this is a recurrent feature. Next month I will get the 9-months birthing section. And then I will get sections based on how old my mythical baby is, for as long as they do this Just For You! marketing stint. So I'm not really sure how to proceed. Do I call up the fine folks at American Baby and 'fess up in my own way? Say that I've had some loss (true, but not for the November date, so then I feel like bad karma would be headed my way) and the section isn't accurate? Or wait and see if I get actually pregnant and THEN change my date by calling? Either way it's a little embarrassing. And it makes me feel slightly like a bad person. Because I was dishonest, but only because technically I've been expecting for over 2 years. We've been in this babymaking limbo for a long time. So it's like I'm an elephant or something, gestating for a ridiculously long period of time. There, that makes me feel better. Excellent rationalizing. I think I'll just let the magazine slide until I can call with an actual, viable pregnancy update. Which is hopefully soon, very soon.

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