Thursday, September 24, 2020

We're All In The Same Ocean

 I hear a lot of people using the phrase, "We're all in the same boat," to describe this pandemic and all the things that are impacting daily life. 

Are we? Are we in the same boat? 

I say, NO. 

We're in the same OCEAN. Our boats are all different. 

Some boats are veritable destroyers, armored and able to take on whatever slams into them. 

Some boats are hand-lashed rafts made of floating garbage. 

A lot of boats are in between. 

I've written about this before, with regard to shoes. I absolutely hate the phrase "I've been in your shoes" or "Been there, done that." It applied to fertility -- even if we both are doing IVF, or both are in the adoption process, our experiences and prior traumas and personal histories are vastly different and that colors how we experience the same thing. Is the process the same? Maybe. Is the baggage we bring to it the same? NO. 

Same with COVID-19. 

I feel relatively fortunate to be in a place where I have had the choice to limit my contact with the public (takeout, grocery pickup) and our job security and economic stability has thus far been largely unaffected. Is it stressful? YES. Do I have the added stress of food insecurity, or job loss, or housing fears, or limited medical care? NO. 

This has been one of those times where I am fortunate NOT to have kids. As a teacher, I am living the most exhausting September in the history of Septembers. I am usually a hot mess who needs a lot of takeout to make it to October in September, when school starts. But this year I feel whacked by a two-by-four every damn day. I am coming home, doing my decontamination shower and scrubs-shedding (reverse order), and then promptly falling asleep on the couch for at least an hour. IT IS PRETTY MUCH INVOLUNTARY. But, because I do not have kids, I am able to come home and take a rest before getting back at the email and the planning and the feeling generally like the world is burning down. (Because the freaking world is BURNING...literally, metaphorically, politically, environmentally... I can't take the news anymore. It's all horrible.) 

My teacher friends with kids? They have this exhausting day and then go home and continue with helping their own kids with routines and work. I forget that sometimes and urged a friend to leave earlier, work can get done later. She looked up wistfully and said, "nope, not for me. I go home and start a whole new set of things to do. I have to stay or I won't get this stuff done." She has backpacks to unpack, assignments to check, dinner and bedtime routines to provide. THEN she can get more done, maybe, and get some sleep. Maybe. I forgot that our boats are different. 

Bryce also reminded me tonight that people with kids also get the benefit of HAVING THE KIDS, of having those joyous moments and milestones and happy family times that we don't have, so I shouldn't feel bad about my naps. I don't feel bad about my naps themselves. I feel bad that I forgot my boat has a hammock for after school napping and my friend has a childcare center, like a Disney Cruise (those are like a dream for some people, and sound like a freaking nightmare to me). 

It comes down to assumption. Assuming we have a commonality that we don't. Are we all doing the best we can to make it through a pandemic? Yes. Do we all have the same tools and privileges and lifeboats? NO. No, we do not. (True for pandemic, true for fertility as well.)

I know that this phrase, "We're all in this together" is supposed to bring commonality and community, but when it shifts to "we're all in the same boat," we need to stop and think. We're not. We're floating in the same ocean with horrible rogue waves and sharks and maybe a little Scylla and Charybdis thrown in, but some of us have a lot more at our disposal than others. Some of us are a lot more likely to be thrown overboard and left at the mercy of that ocean than others who have sturdier boats. 

It's good to remember that while this is a common experience, it's not experienced quite the same way for everyone. 

PS - I am drowning in school stress and work and trying to help families make sense of this hybrid thing. It's late and I should be going to bed but I needed to get this out of my head. I will get on top of this and be a better commenter soon, I promise! 

9 comments:

  1. Yep. ALL OF THIS. While I am in the boat with kids, I recognize that my boat has it a bit easier than other boats with kids because we can afford to pay for childcare for both of my kids (one of those to help my 1st grader with e-learning). Not everyone has that luxury. I am also working from home and am not an essential worker so I can manage the shorter daycare hours. I hope things settle a bit for you soon so that you are not working so much!

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  2. It's definitely the hardest September I've ever worked in a school. It's so hard. I don't feel bad at all about going to bed early and getting lots of sleep when other people can't do that because they are parenting. Like Bryce said, they got to have kids and all of the joys that come with that. Their boat isn't harder and mine isn't easier, but they are definitely different. Good post!

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  3. Yes, it's one of the things I've been thinking about a lot too. In worldwide terms, I may be in the same ocean, but living in NZ, and in my particular circumstances, I'm in a luxury yacht in a calm, sheltered cove. It may get lonely at times, but right now, it's far easier than the lot of most people. Part of that is because I don't have kids. It's a fact. And one I appreciate right now. So take the naps. Enjoy them. Appreciate them. And sleep tight!

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  4. Make the most of your naps! I hope they help.

    Having a great cooperative relationship at work with my co teacher has made a huge difference for me this month. It’s the difference between a leaky boat where I spend as much time bailing as going anywhere and being able to trim the sails, navigate, and give mostly consistent orders to the crew without fear of imminent sinking. 😂 (sorry I love nautical metaphors....you know I’m going to run with it.). The feeling appears to be mutual....my co- teacher also says she is doing much better (even with a very busy life outside of school.). We appear to complement each other well....I am more the dreamer and she keeps it real.

    Of course there is no guarantee that things will stay like this....but like you I try to appreciate my advantages and step into the need areas. When you are strong, lead, when you are tired lean on someone else....I feel when we all get into this rhythm with each other it makes things much better. Oh by the way Google classroom continues to be very useful in our new setting.....so everything you did to help me get started with it, continues to have positive impacts in places and with students far beyond you. I just find that cool and so encouraging.

    I honestly don’t know if kids make things easier or harder....it depends what day you ask me lol. I know mine keep me focused on the moment, and sometimes that’s what’s needed. And AJ is thrilled to be back in school. The masks and whatever else they are doing in school around Covid safety does not seem to matter to her at all: she just loves being with her friends and teachers and is full of stories about what she is learning. I was seriously worried that school would some dysfunctional dictatorship where we all became Nurse Cratchetts but it hasn’t been like that, not yet. That in itself gives me hope.

    Take care of yourself, appreciate the good, and continue to be a force for it.

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  5. Such a great point!

    (P.S. you are a terrific commenter.)

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  6. This is so, so true about the boats. They really all do look different and a huge "yes" to this entire post.

    Enjoy the naps for sure!

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  7. This is SO right. I've been irked by that phrase, "we're all in this together," because it feels like it comes from a place of such privilege. Being in different boats on the same ocean lets us help each other out, sail over to someone struggling, maybe notice where someone's on a raft if we have a yacht ... and be real about what the differences are. THANK YOU.

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  8. I like this post very much. I am working in a different industry. But I feel exactly the same. We have a little bit more advantage this time than those with kids. But sometimes we feel not comfortable that we enjoy this privilege.

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  9. You make an excellent point. Your posts are always thought-provoking, and often cause for some good self-examination. You are such an excellent teacher, and not just in the classroom.

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