I have a love/hate relationship with People Magazine. I love it for the fluff and the recommendations for what to read and watch, for the red carpet specials and the famous people's homes stuff, but I also hate anything having to do with the Bachelor (and will not even read those articles), with the Kardashians, and the obsession with celebrity babies and miracle pregnancies.
Seriously, there is never a story about infertility that does not end with a miracle child somehow, either a surprise pregnancy, an improbable pregnancy at 50, or a magic adoption that happened quickly or because the husband was an EMT or the wife was a labor/delivery nurse.
But the last issue I read featured an article about the couple from HGTV's Home Town, and that one took a different turn:
"We knew that if children weren't in the plan biologically, we would adopt. If we couldn't adopt for some reason, having each other would be enough."
Whoa. It made me go find Bryce and read it out loud to him. Because it is ALMOST NEVER that anyone shares the actual reality that you can enter into the adoption process, you can spend years trying to adopt, and you can leave without those stars aligning. That it's possible to WANT to adopt, but to have it not work out.
Of course, they had a miracle pregnancy that she discovered on MOTHER'S DAY, so a little barf in my mouth there (but good for them), but still -- just that little nugget to place in people's brains that it is actually possible to go into adoption and leave without a baby, and that you can have a relationship that is absolutely enough if the quest for a baby doesn't work out.
This is the piece of our story that is most frequently misunderstood and even bewildering to people -- how can you GO INTO adoption and not COME OUT a parent? There's a thought that it's a heck of a lot easier than it is in reality. There's a thought that you must be somehow deficient or not patient enough. There's this very strange adoption folklore that people who have never known anyone to go through it have that imagines you going to a hospital and picking out your baby like so many perfect almost-ripe avocados at the store.
The concept of running out of the emotional capacity to withstand the process is incredibly foreign. The idea that if one kind of adoption didn't work for you, that you could just jump into another kind (domestic infant didn't work? Get your dossier set up for international! Not that most people who think you can sub methods easily know what an adoption dossier is). The complete obliviousness to the fact that waiting in the adoption process is a full time job, and your stores run out a lot faster if you are also trying to be a fully functioning human in all spheres at the same time. (Of course you can't admit that you are not quite a functioning human, because then it could jeopardize your home study.)
Long story short, THANK YOU to the Home Town couple for sharing that it's possible to not succeed at adoption and it's okay to evaluate your life and know that you have the kind of relationship that could withstand that loss and building a new life, and then take that exit off the family building heartbreak highway towards that new existence.
Want to read more #Microblog Mondays? Go here and enjoy!